Thanks for your perspective, D. It gets difficult for me to step back and see the situation with an unbiased lens when I'm wanting so badly for things to be better so I appreciate an outside perspective.
Absolutely will try to make myself less available moving forward. I think the reason I really struggle with this is that sometimes it seems like "more of the same" from me. Before the BD I was very focused on my work and hobbies and did tend to ignore him when he was home. So I do wonder if being around could be a 180 on my part? But perhaps I'm overthinking that. Regardless, I can definitely do a better job at being less available in other ways (i.e. not contacting him ever - I have struggled with this a bit).
We have not talked since he came over to fix the house issue. I have not reached out, he has not reached out either. But the last two days I've really been hung up on the comment he made about having to have tough conversations soon. I didn't take the bait while he was here, but I've been down and upset thinking about what that means. My mind is telling me it's over. He's done, he does not see any way to mend this marriage. Which leads me to feel frantic, desperate, clingy. All the things we should not be while trying to DB. Of course I'm not allowing him to see any of that, but the no contact just further amplifies those feelings. Hopefully it's just a bad couple of days, and my positivity and glimmers of hope can make a resurgence in the coming days.
Absolutely will try to make myself less available moving forward. I think the reason I really struggle with this is that sometimes it seems like "more of the same" from me. Before the BD I was very focused on my work and hobbies and did tend to ignore him when he was home. So I do wonder if being around could be a 180 on my part?
I do understand your idea and worry of displaying ‘more of the same’. My two cents is not to jump at every opportunity and time H wants to interact. Letting his calls go to voice mail and responding on your time; meeting up maybe every third time he proposes (being busy otherwise), though not making a pattern either; are some examples.
The 180 would be, as you said, not ignoring him. So, for those time you do reach back or reach out, be engaged. Which from what you’ve shared it sounds like you are. Listing and validating where appropriate, while giving time and space is a bit of tight rope to learn to walk.
Originally Posted by jaejae
But the last two days I've really been hung up on the comment he made about having to have tough conversations soon. I didn't take the bait while he was here, but I've been down and upset thinking about what that means. My mind is telling me it's over. He's done, he does not see any way to mend this marriage. Which leads me to feel frantic, desperate, clingy.
Good on you not reacting/reaching out to H due to your emotions. Frantic, desperate, clingy, wouldn’t come cross very well. Likely would propel him away. Strong and stable has a better chance at fostering interest within H and his addled mind and heart.
I know how defeating it is to hear things like the ‘tough conversations soon’. Envision a big red stop sign! Stop your runaway thoughts.
You realize H talking about reconciling would be a tough conversation for him as well. We do tend to be drawn to the worst case scenarios when facing things like that statement. Point is, you don’t know and catastrophizing - although normal - just leads to you reenforcing those dreadful feelings.
Now, yes, H is likely referring to the logistics of separating. Doesn’t change anything. Let him. Leave the heavy-lifting to him. You don’t place boulders in his path, yet you don’t need to pave it either.
Separating is work. It takes effort. Most of these folks are seeking an easy way out. Leaving the ball in H’s court will likely buy more time. And time is your ally in this. More time for H to feel loss, to burn through his anger and such, more time for him to start feeling emotions more beneficial to your cause - shame, regret, remorse for example. Giving time and space is a big thing.
Also, I figure H’s friend’s offer for him to live there will start getting stale. Pretty sure friend isn’t wanting a long term roommate. And Christmas is coming up. More time and more pressure will be pushing upon H. This is good, when it doesn’t come from you. Remain clear and don’t take any bait. H will try to keep you as the bad guy in his narrative, don’t fall for it. Let him feel the bed he chose to lay in. Remember, rock bottom usually needs to be hit before sincere life changes happen.
Time and space also promotes your healing too. Giving you opportunities to find clarity and you again. It’s quite a journey.
Stay strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I found out there is at least an EA going on, possibly a PA. He has at least admitted to an EA, but denies a PA. My trust is obliterated so I don't believe anything at this point. I don't even know what to do. Everything feels hopeless at this point.
I found out there is at least an EA going on, possibly a PA. He has at least admitted to an EA, but denies a PA. My trust is obliterated so I don't believe anything at this point. I don't even know what to do. Everything feels hopeless at this point.
I'm sorry to hear this JJ. I wish it wasn't the case but so often it is.
So what to do is to take extremely good care of yourself in this time. It can be a rather difficult concept to grasp as there are pretty intense emotions flying everywhere.
Some thing to understand now is that all of H's positive messages... aren't really about loving you... at least not in the way you are hoping. Perhaps there is still some love or perhaps there is some confusion... there can also be guilt and shame and "showing up" helps alleviate that.
Regardless of the reason - please try to remember that trying to understand why... is a cheeseless tunnel for you. You won't get the answers your seek... no matter how hard you look.
Seeing that you have alot of emotions going on - a recommendation I have is for YOU to give some space to H and the situation... as a form of self care. I will tell you that the part of you that fears losing the relationship will make this seem impossible. Especially if your H then uses it as "evidence" that he made the right choice.
The control that your H says you have over his decision AND the control you think you have to save this relationship by responding from a fearful place - this is an illusion. Don't take the bait on either. This is a practice rather than a one time deal. You will have to make this decision over and over. Managing the anxiety that comes with letting go takes time.
Please remember:
You didn't cause this. You can't change it. You can't control it.
Pull way back. Allow your H to feel the consequences of his decisions. Be honest with yourself that he may be okay with those consequences. His growth and journey are not your responsibility.
For now... breathe... cry.... yell... allow those emotions to flow with whom you feel safe (probably not H). They are very hard emotions to handle and you deserve nothing but compassion and kindness when they come.
(( JJ ))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It is staggering how many of these folks/situations have affairs. It’s nearly 100% of the time.
Do realize an affair is built upon lies and deceit, and that makes a terrible foundation for a relationship. An affair is just a symptom of a deeper problem. Do not assign much meaning to such illicitness.
I understand your trust being obliterated. H has some serious work if he wishes to regain that precious commodity. And that is a ways off for now.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. H’s words have lost much, look to his behaviour. And even then, take with a grain of salt.
Those feelings of being lost and unsure of what to do have welled up, again. Perfectly normal. Realize you are fine. You are ok.
So what to do…
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Pull way back. Allow your H to feel the consequences of his decisions. Be honest with yourself that he may be okay with those consequences. His growth and journey are not your responsibility.
For now... breathe... cry.... yell... allow those emotions to flow with whom you feel safe (probably not H). They are very hard emotions to handle and you deserve nothing but compassion and kindness when they come.
Agreed!
Pull way back. Focus on you. Give H lots of time and space. Let H feel the weight and consequences of his decisions. This is not being mean, rather treating him accordingly. People will treat you the way you allow them. You are not going to be disrespected and lied to. Be dim. Be kind and cordial.
As V stated, H’s growth and journey are not your responsibility.
Live and love your life. GAL. Be busy. Focus on you.
Hang in there j. (((jaejae)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I found out there is at least an EA going on, possibly a PA. He has at least admitted to an EA, but denies a PA. My trust is obliterated so I don't believe anything at this point. I don't even know what to do. Everything feels hopeless at this point.
I’m sorry JaeJae. I really am.
It’s not much consolation for you I guess, but know that you aren’t alone. Nearly everyone who comes to this site finds out about the affair eventually.
Prioritise self care - exercise, individual counselling, eating well, avoid drinking, start some mindfulness training, do some daily gratitude. Turn inwards. Focus 100% on you and build a wall around yourself and your heart. Don’t isolate. Lean heavily on family and a few trusted friends. And get outside and out of the house - yoga classes, cooking classes, mountain biking, hiking, live music. Force yourself to do those things, even though you won’t feel like it.
Affair discovery is pretty much the lowest point, it’s worse than bomb drop. So you’ve actually passed the worst bit now. Whether the affair fizzles and he comes crawling back, or he serves you with papers and you go separate ways - either way, what comes next gets easier. It will be painfully slow and hard, but rest assured you’ve passed the worst bit.
I remember when I found out about the affair. I could hardly breathe. But it was actually a turning point in my journey. The start of a new beginning.
