Grief and Gratitude, Grok - day by day

[grok]

Congratulations! (And condolences. It’s a weird bittersweet thing.)

It is. And closes off with finality a little bit more of the old me while freeing the new me. Though I am uneven in follow-through, I recognized some time ago that each action I took, to close off the remaining connections between XW and myself, was freeing in an undefined weird, bittersweet way.

day by day

The day by day yesterday.

D20 excited about FL being 37F overnight and then crying and throwing up at 2am. "dad, fix it. it hurts"

D18 very smartly thinking through why she doesn't like her current work situation and then later at night falling emotionally apart i just want to go to bed but i have schoolwork due, and i can't close the web page, and i thought i'd be done in time, and i have pets to do, and dishes to do, and i need you to review it, and i worked so hard today to make sure i was on time, i crashed out on the floor with the heating pad because i didn't feel good today, and ....."

S13 intelligently working search engines in the process of getting his Pet Care badge and then being single syllable grumpy "uuhhgg" about not liking anything in the full fridge and pantry.

Me? I crashed out on my bed for an hour "nap" ... while my mini-adults "snuck" in and took pictures of me sleeping. LOL.

triggers and cycles

Well, another life event hit me sideways triggered / caused that well worn cycle of emotions...

Though to clarify, it was not MY life event.

Some posts back I mentioned reconnecting with a cousin. We've been messaging on and off ever since. I received the following about a week ago and have been letting the swirling emotions just do their thing.

Cousin S,
...Hope all is going as good as possible...
...life putts along for years then all of a sudden it changes...
...asked for a divorce the end of august—- he let it be known that we ( the kids n I) are no longer profitable to him and as he has been involved with another affair all summer… he’d like his freedom - which he has been enjoying....
...boys n I will be moving up to...
...in the spring I will move my folk up there too...
...so much to work through after  20 years here married...
...all the mental n emotional packing that’s hard...

You can see why that would pull me, if briefly, right back to the point when you realize EA/PA from the person you trusted most.

I messaged back love and hugs. and some snippets from postings here. and music selections.

Cousin S,
...Maybe that’s why I think you’d understand…
...the first affair I was aware of was  when SXX was 3- so 15  years ago...
...broke my trust,  my heart- everything.  I was angry - very very angry...
...but I didn’t want to share custody for...
...thought when he quit that one it would be it...
...few years ago, the boys n I were able to name 16…
...quit counting… and quit caring...
...he’d come and go with less interest in the family than a customer at a bed n breakfast...
...for narcissists, the relationship isn’t about feelings or emotion or connection— it’s about control...
...instead of a fatal stab with a sword that  stops you in your tracks, mine is more a constant stabbing  that over time...
...times I feel like I can’t go on… like every thing is ending...
...But then I have those glimpses of hope- your dad mentioned- ... i might be able to ... discover what normal would be….after all these years- I don’t  think I know normal...
…what does it feel like not to be angry or hurt…

Wow. That sent me into a whole different spin cycle. what do you say? the fixer can't fix. there is no fixing to be done. yet...what parts of DB principles can be offered as supporting. I offer a place to vent. I offer understanding. I offer bits of my own experience as empathy and connection. A point of love and understanding from outside the mess.

Cousin S,
...you are right. Grief does cycle...
...I think it’s important to recognize the cycle. Realize it’s part of the new reality .  Realize you don’t get stuck in anyone part of it.  And realize it’s ok...
...Thanks for the songs.  Music is my life blood....
...let’s just say if you hear a Metallica tune from my direction it’s probably not a good time to speak to me...
...lifts your focus from the mess around to the creator...
...No matter what- that’s where I usually land...  

I ... think I struck the right balance. Music as a connection? OK! Lets go!

Cousin S,
...I complete love these songs… I understand the feeling expressed in the Judah song.  I’m so thankful people put feelings to music.  Sure relate… 
...We start loading the uhauls on Sunday.
...It will be a crazy week!


My emotions still swirl at her messages, though very muted now. I was a little surprised at how much...I mean, still reading archives here doesn't hit me like this. I wonder why? Because she is my cousin and I know her? I let the question rest for now.

g

Beatitudes - JUDAH

I differed my hope, all I do is cope
I don't got the words, sum up all the hurt
I just wanna cry, wanna be alright
Can't be weak, can't break free
On my knees
Most days, my face on the floor
Heart can't break any more from the pain of the divorce
Oh, my God, what's this for?
...
Is it a test? 'Cause I'll fail more and more
I suck, fresh out of fucks
Where are you, my Lord?
...
Another medium, see it different
Blessed are the meek and those who thirst
Blessed are the poor and the hearts that hurt
Blessed are the ones in bed, can't get out their head
...
Might wanna die, nothing left to cry
Just trying to survive, that was me terrified
I see now that life had to prove
Like roses are red and violets blue
I don't know what I would do without you