The hallmarks of a crisis are depression and confusion.
Depression is ever-present, and hidden behind a mask. The MLCer runs from their unrealized pain and trauma by engaging in all manner of behaviours. Spend money, drinking, drugs, exercise, work, sex, etc.
These activities are a distraction. And the crisis person’s attempt at regaining their lost youth. Doing all the stuff they feel they missed out on.
Like I said, behaviours/activities masks the deep consuming ever-present depression, which lurks covertly. It’s seldom seen during the replay stage as they are actively ignoring it. However, at night, laying in bed, in the dark, their demons will come out and play.
Behaviours only work for so long. Then new, different, usually more illicit behaviours are employed. Eventually, they slow their running and depression takes full hold. This heralds their entry in to the depression stage. Deep and dark this time is. And after is a time of withdrawal.
However, replay and running is where W is at. During this time, depression is covert and confusion is overt.
Crisis individuals will flip and flop, change directions in a second, as their feelings ping pong about. Remember, a MLCer is driven by their emotions. Very little rational decision making occurring.
They will have new friends, turning their backs on lifelong friends and family. They will adamantly tote that these new friends are the only people who truly understand them. Until they ping pong off in a different direction.
Conversation will go from kind and friendly, to it’s all your fault. At times, in the space of a single sentence!
You’ve observed this wild behaviour. It is crazy-making. It is difficult to try to rationalize such irrational behaviour. You’ll go bonkers looking for reason and understanding of why W is doing what she is doing. That is a deep rabbit hole.
You wondered if W is experiencing a crisis or is she just not wanting marriage anymore. Realize, it doesn’t need to be either or. It can be both. And likely is.
A person consumed by MLC, that lost soul, is running from their life. Running from responsibilities. Family, kids, work, marriage, and so on. Their are a hurt child/teenager. They are dragged back to the time of their emotional stunting and need to grow up from then. That hurt, lost, teenager doesn’t feel married. Or has kids. Or a job. Or lifelong responsibilities. They don’t feel it. But they know it as life presses in on them. And they lash out and run. It’s an incredible amount of torment.
You did fine with the conversations. Remember, you didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
My advice is to keep conversations short. I know it feels good to speak for a long time. Parsing bits of data, gathering up those breadcrumbs. Make a conscious decision here. Keep it short and no R-talks.
Do be polite. Kind and cordial. And business-like. Be the one to end the conversation. If it’s call, end things while there is still stuff to say. Same if you meet in person, be the one to initiate leaving. Finish your coffee and excuse yourself as you have things to do.
Conversations are usually utilized as resupply the MLCer’s justification for leaving and/or doing what they are. You experienced W blaming you for everything after a couple of nicer talks. This is the dance of her’s. You need not dance along.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
So don't know what's happening with divorce as she definitely didn't file back in August like she said she had done. She did say she wants the divorce over with ASAP but I'm not going to file as it’s not what I want.
She lied! She’s trying to get you to do the deed. For now, you don’t want or need a divorce so keep the ball in her court. Let her do the heavy-lifting.
Give her lots of time and space.
Good to see you going to the gym and taking care of yourself. Counselling, reading, exercise, all good stuff.
Focus on you and your life. Keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
