I found out there is at least an EA going on, possibly a PA. He has at least admitted to an EA, but denies a PA. My trust is obliterated so I don't believe anything at this point. I don't even know what to do. Everything feels hopeless at this point.
I'm sorry to hear this JJ. I wish it wasn't the case but so often it is.
So what to do is to take extremely good care of yourself in this time. It can be a rather difficult concept to grasp as there are pretty intense emotions flying everywhere.
Some thing to understand now is that all of H's positive messages... aren't really about loving you... at least not in the way you are hoping. Perhaps there is still some love or perhaps there is some confusion... there can also be guilt and shame and "showing up" helps alleviate that.
Regardless of the reason - please try to remember that trying to understand why... is a cheeseless tunnel for you. You won't get the answers your seek... no matter how hard you look.
Seeing that you have alot of emotions going on - a recommendation I have is for YOU to give some space to H and the situation... as a form of self care. I will tell you that the part of you that fears losing the relationship will make this seem impossible. Especially if your H then uses it as "evidence" that he made the right choice.
The control that your H says you have over his decision AND the control you think you have to save this relationship by responding from a fearful place - this is an illusion. Don't take the bait on either. This is a practice rather than a one time deal. You will have to make this decision over and over. Managing the anxiety that comes with letting go takes time.
Please remember:
You didn't cause this. You can't change it. You can't control it.
Pull way back. Allow your H to feel the consequences of his decisions. Be honest with yourself that he may be okay with those consequences. His growth and journey are not your responsibility.
For now... breathe... cry.... yell... allow those emotions to flow with whom you feel safe (probably not H). They are very hard emotions to handle and you deserve nothing but compassion and kindness when they come.
(( JJ ))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
