Thanks for your replies and input, i appreciate you all. I currently have no access to internet where I'm staying at the moment so have been unable to get on here. Currently at a friends house today looking after their dog so able to quickly log on for a few minutes.
So my wife messaged about 3 weeks ago. We ended up chatting for a while via messages and we ended by both saying it was nice chatting to each other. She had explained a few things and apologised for a few things she had got wrong. I was understanding with every point she made, especially about me and didn't defend or argue and agreed with what she said and accepted her views. 2 days later she messaged again and we continued chatting for most of the morning, all with me validating how she felt. We then didnt chat for about 10 days as she was about to start her shift of 7 12hr days at work so I wanted to give her space and peace as she is on her feet all day during her shifts. When we eventually got chatting again she had a totally different tone with me. I was to blame for everything, she has no interest in getting back together, she should never have messaged me and we should go back to how things were. She says she has no trust in me for things she said she had heard i'd said about her when we 1st separated. I did argue against this and explained to her not everything she hears is black and white, nor always the truth. People twist things, add there own assumptions etc, but she's insisting I started a 'smear campaign' against her. She cant grasp that there is no way I'd do that when all I wanted to do was save our marriage. she also cant see that somebody started a 'smear campaign' against her back in May whilst we were together. Somebody started a rumour that she was having an affair with her ex (he was the 1 who phoned us up to tell us about the rumour and I do believe there is/was no truth to it). But even when that happened, at some point during the day she even accused me of starting the rumour.....why the hell would I start a rumour that my own wife was having an affair (maybe its her mental health at times but I just struggle to understand her thinking).
I've just bought and read Hearts Blessing, The 8 stages of Mid Life Crisis, and its been quite helpful but I do still have days where I'm unsure if she really is having a mid life crisis or this is genuinely her just not wanting marriage anymore.
She admitted in our chats that everything she is doing may come across as selfish but she doesn't care what people think and has had to do this for herself and put herself 1st. She keeps saying how strong and independent she has become, has more confidence than ever and is living her best life. She says her kids all help out with chores around the house and its always spotless when she gets home from work (this was always something I used to say should happen but never did. Her words were she didn't want 'lap dog' children. I explained it was about giving them responsibility, confidence and preparing them for 'life' but she never listened at the time. She also says she has a new group of amazing friends (again something I used to encourage but she never did. She had no friends and I'd say its not healthy and she needs to have friends to chat with, have a laugh with and even moan about me with but she used to say she doesn't want to do all the gossip that women are into. I also said to her it makes feel solely responsible for her happiness all the time and because she doesn't go out I don't get any space or time to myself either). So obviously she got these friends and that means she now saying she has nights out and got trips planned ( yet another thing I always wanted for her). And she lives life to a strict budget ( Something I wish she had always done. She could spend money like anything. She was good with paying bills etc but could never save what was left, she HAD to spend it. I was the 1 who saved money because she just couldn't.)
I told how how proud of her I am that she is doing all this and its the life I'd always wanted for her. ( I just don't get why its taken her to end the marriage to do all of this when it would of made a much healthier marriage if she was doing this whilst together. Things come across wrong in text but i read it like she was saying I was holding her back when all I'd ever wanted is for her to have the best life and be the best her.
She said she didn't stop me seeing our dog out of spite but she hasn't agreed to let me see him either. She wont let me see my step children either as she said I said things Infront of them the night she called police on me. So when I was being asked questions by the police she must have wanted me to lie lol. The4 police asked, I answered. At end of day the wife called the police because she couldn't get her own way and doesn't like it that the police sided with me.
So don't know what's happening with divorce as she definitely didn't file back in August like she said she had done. She did say she wants the divorce over with ASAP but I'm not going to file as its not what I want.
I'm still working on myself. Go to gym 3 times a week. Counselling once a week. Hypnotherapy once a month. Reading books and stuff trying to learn about MLC and love languages and self help books. Trying to hope for a future with my wife but also dealing with my emotions so If that doesn't happen I can still be happy. I definitely want to stand for my marriage for as long as I can but also know I shouldn't waste my life waiting for something that may not happen. Still have the time where I get emotional thinking about things but its getting less and less. I just think its the confusion of not knowing if she really is having mlc or not and what that means.
Thanks for reading and any input. I will try to get back on as soon as I can, Hopefully sometime this week
