It's been a little over a week since I last updated. H came over yesterday to help fix a house issue. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. After he fixed the issue, we sat down on the couch and chatted for awhile. He mentioned that we're probably going to start having some tough conversations soon. I'm assuming he means how to divide up the assets and get the house on the market, but I didn't say anything. Right after that he said "I don't know what our future holds, but I'll love you forever. & I know I'd miss you forever." In my mind I thought "Okay, so why are you doing this then?" But again, I said nothing. We shared a couple of kisses and he said "I don't want you think that this means we're okay." I assured him I was quite aware we were anything but okay. Before he left for the evening, he said "This is hard and it really [censored]. I don't want to say there's no hope, but I don't know what's going to happen." My ears immediately zeroed in on the "I don't want to say there's no hope". If you would have asked him a couple of months ago, he would have said there was absolutely zero hope. So this slight change I'm taking as a very small win.
In some ways I feel like he's backed himself into a corner by telling friends and coworkers that we were going to be divorcing (long before he ever told me) that now he feels like he has to follow through or risk looking "weak" to them. Which irritates me because I told him at the beginning of this separation to take no one else's thoughts or opinions into this time apart. He needed to figure out what HE wants. I also feel like even though we are living apart, he hasn't truly gotten a taste of living completely alone as he is living with a friend currently. He has someone to hang out with after work and socialize with. I wonder how different he might be processing this if he had to be completely alone with his thoughts every evening. But I digress...
In a positive light, this has allowed me to begin re-exploring my faith again. I pray a lot. All I can do right now is continue to give him his space and keep praying we can rebuild our marriage.
