Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Hi MamaG!  I had this mostly written up when I saw you visited.  I think you'll understand, though your H does not appear often, or in what is now YOUR home.  For me, for my kids, XW does have a key and does show up in the home several days a week while I'm at work.  I believe it good for S13.  For Ds?  Hit and miss.

Threads old and new: Because it is a mind F

I think it is good me and the ex have a kind relationship. Best for everyone. Sometimes it does cross boundaries that I am uncomfortable with. Like yesterday he and the wife made a surprise visit to my house with a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts. I imagine they were more for D12, but I invited them to in to sit and the such and thanked them, Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.
 Currently D12 is in her room doing a zoom with her dad and his wife and her family. I told her she had to go in her room for this. I just don't want everyone "in" my house. I need to set some kind of boundaries for myself.

 

You re a better woman than I .
((((((Hug)))))

 

My kids are older and so I'm 100% NC with H
...
As far as the OW goes I hope they stay together and are miserable. If they stay together then he will leave me alone.

It feels like a mind F. Because it is a mind F. It's like a rapist bringing flowers to your home. Those nice gestures would take a toll on anyone because they normalize and trivialize their bad behaviors. They make you think that she's not a bad person for sleeping with a pregnant woman's husband - because look - she brings donuts!

https://forum.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2893466#Post2893466

I feel my own version, though perhaps not nearly so dramatic as Ginger1's story.  

Unlike Ginger1, I have not and do not have contact with the OM.  I have no idea if he is in or out of XW's life.  I had my own boundary I never ended up needing to express: OM is not welcome in my home or at my events or on my property.  ... not to punish XW, but because I respect myself.  A man who would do the things XW said he did ... is not one I would have in my life.  Reposting, but Starsky309 said it well:

Men and women that would knowingly get involved with a married woman or man, and prey upon their emotional weaknesses, ARE predators!! In every sense of the word. mad

I detest them. Do not "make friends" with them, do not expect them to deal honorably with you (for they are, by definition, DIShonorable) and do NOT take what they tell you as TRUTH!

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551069#Post2551069

XW's intermittent nice gesture behaviors on the other hand ... do " take a toll on anyone because they normalize and trivialize their bad behaviors."  What's really going on inside XW that has driven these behaviors?  I have no idea.  I don't try and figure it out.  I am a little glad when there is a good behavior and a little sad when there is a bad behavior.  I don't expect either and I am not dragged emotionally.   

I sometimes feel a little irritated and resentful.  Those feelings follow the same path as JujuB's quote above.  They are on me though... from my own lingering expectations... the gulf between "what should be" and "what is."  I just let them sit for a bit and then pass.  

then they are gone 

I remain

g

Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo

Hey, hey, I guess it hasn't hit me yet
I fell through this crack and I kind of lost my head

I stand transfixed before this streetlight
Watching the snow fall on this cold December night

Never thought this could happen
But somehow the feeling is gone

You got sick of the patterns
And I got lost in this song