This weekend has been very difficult. The weather is changing here - getting cold and dreary. I went out this weekend to distract myself, but even then it was difficult not to think about H. Today was our nephew's birthday (H's sibling's son). I saw photos of H and all his family there to celebrate our nephew. Obviously I wasn't there, never got the invite. That stings. I didn't realize the last time I was around his family would be the very last time ever, and now it hurts to think I might never be again. I didn't get to say goodbye. Of course my knee jerk reaction was this urge to reach out to him and just cry and tell him I miss his family. That it makes me sad I may never be part of that again. But I know it won't do me any good, and only puts more pressure on him. So I have suppressed the urge, and am instead just sitting here crying while I type this.
Some part of me wants to tell him to just rip the band-aid off and file already. I'm tired of living in this limbo. But I don't mean that & I won't say it. That's just the angry part of me talking. Angry that he can just run off and live his life like it's nothing, while I have to wake up every morning in our home surrounded by our things and our memories. Actively choosing someone I made a lifetime commitment to while he decides if our marriage is even worth it to him or not. It makes me feel insane.
These feelings all make sense. It's extremely difficult to walk this walk. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.
Good job typing it all here instead. All grief needs a witness.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
