It's funny that you mention the caution of being in indifference.... I am feeling that pull.... I'm going out to see a band tonight, and am tired and lonely. Tired and lonely enough that any flirting could easily get out of hand. The interesting thing is that we experience the exact same states as our MLCers, we just call it something different for our side of the fence. Realistically, same thing except our heads are a bit clearer. What a great time for the LBS to journal their thoughts and feelings to use to put themselves in their MLCer's shoes!!! To even get a small taste of what they are up against... and it reminds us why detachment is so important.... you have your own (involuntary) LBS Crisis to handle! You just have better tools to work with than they do.
Don't be so quick to lump in your behavior as typical LBS behavior - it is not. Sure - dressing nice and receiving compliments is one thing, but admitting you are lonely enough to let things get out of hand... sounds like a pattern you are repeating from what you tell us.
Originally Posted by Unbeatab
DnJ, I have the good fortune of being divorced for so long, and having this go round to take the time to do the dating thing if that's what I really want. And that's the kicker there, if that's what I logically (not emotionally) want to do. Like the MLCer, you'll more than likely be reminded the grass isn't always greener...and if your cognizant enough, take it for the ego boost it is and nothing more... or maybe you find someone who naturally meets your expectations for a relationship.
See it here. You came here in August and by October is already talking about dating? Sure you can be mad at your XH for actually acting on it - but the problem lies with why you both jump to those thoughts to begin with
Originally Posted by Unbeatab
Last time, I instinctively and somewhat involuntarily went dark... I just wish I had known then what I know now about his chronic depression... that he even had it.... and I could've taken his coping mechanisms much less personally and stayed the course! When I left, so much time was devoted to dealing with the OM's nonsense that I didn't have time for worrying about much else. So when we reconnected several years later, X had, DESPITE the depression, put what energy he could into being a better partner. He felt the loss... and staying in contact when you are able to detach is so important because that is all they can offer you in return... that's why the lighthouse analogy is so spot on... the ship knows the lighthouse is there, but the captain isn't at the controls. The light from the lighthouse isn't always pointed in the ship's direction, but when it is it can save lives. Send out that occasional beam of light to show them where you are... it really does mean the world to them!
I'm confused with this. You had a 6 year relationship with you affair partner. I'm not sure why he stuck around but I don't think it's because you were being a lighthouse.
From what you are describing - this seems like a pattern that you both continually play into. I know you gave reasons to MG why you guys didn't remarry - but it doesn't sound like you worked out what happened either. Not as a couple nor individuals.
Patterns will continue until one of you is strong enough to change it. What are you willing to do?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
