In some ways I do feel like its a positive baby step in that he's seemed to be softening over the past week. Reaching out to me more, hanging around for a little bit when he dropped the dog off after I got back from my work trip, an ongoing text conversation that has spanned the last few days. We take our time to respond back and forth to each other, but the fact that he hasn't just ignored it like he has in the past is a small win. Today I choose to be grateful for that.
Chances are this is more cake-eating more than anything. He wants to have his life and yet still have access to you.
That is not to say that he doesn't have feelings or isn't confused... but you enabling the behavior isn't good either. 1st - it's painful for you... but also 2nd - if he was to have a "wake-up" call - you are extending that time line for that realization indefinitely if you keep things the status quo.
Having 0 expectations only happens when you detach. From the spouse, from the outcome... and that is going to take time.
One of the hardest things to grasp about ourselves is that we see every little good thing that happens as "hope". At the same time - we fear that in any little way that we choose ourselves - we push away our spouse.
And those two things muddy the water so much to see things clearly. Denial is very strong.
And I won't sugar coat it - working towards understanding and fighting it... and "allowing" the spouse to live his life... hurts like h3ll!.
That's why being busy and GALing is a good thing. Not just for your mental health - but it helps create the boundary for YOU to stop enabling behavior that although feels good short term - long term does nothing good for you, him, or the marriage.
Be so busy before your trip so that there is NO time for him. That way when you say you can't - you literally cannot.
Whatever adjustments you make follow it with "I heard you when you said you wanted your own life. I am supporting that decision by acting accordingly".
There is no way that doesn't create push back or conflict for him. We usually say to be prepared to for them to "spit venom".
I know it's hard to understand but you can't worry about if he leaves your or marriage... he already has.
Now is the time to start asking yourself how to better take care of you.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
