Fears of how our children will react and fears of how this will damage them … yeah.
My first reaction on BD when asked what concerns I had…. “Our children”
I received all the rationalizations, etc from her. All the way to “as long as they don’t FEEL like I abandoned them, they’ll be fine. “
They are truly the innocent in all the mess. And it WILL cause lifelong effects. Many of my choices have been for the purpose of minimizing those effects.
As I do continue to read old threads, this might be of interest. hoosiermama details her D’s reactions to jer father’s actions and OW.
Doing it right Everybody will be dancing And we'll be feeling it right Everybody will be dancing And be doing it right …. If you do it right Let it go all night Shadows on you break Out into the light
H:55 XW:50 D20, D18, S14 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24, D 9/16/24
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey guys. I’m doing. Still living in limbo. H is talking about holiday plans. Where we are going, who’s going to be visiting us. Still no R talk. Summers been over for awhile now. If I think back h is definitely not as angry as he used to be, seems to want to do more things with me/for me. More laughter. I don’t know what any of that means. No expectations right.
I think coaching is going well. So much to unpack on myself and my emotions that I had no idea were there. So, working a lot on myself…who do I want to be, how do I want to show up. Giving up control. Deciding to be happy/making myself happy for me…and the kids. Giving myself grace.
I don’t know. Status quo I guess. Three steps forward two back. Somedays are better than others. I think the upcoming holidays are going to be hard. That’s what’s starting to wear on me lately. Will it be the “last”?
Praying for a lot of snow this winter. Instead of biking I’ll be cross country skiing. But the snow has been terrible the past few years. So fingers crossed. And picked up a new hobby, learning to play chess. Lots more time out with friends.
And D17 will be D18 in 9 days. So mama is having a hard time with that one. But her birthday is on a Saturday! She’s an experiences person not a gift person so I’m hoping that I and hopefully h can do something special with her!
Oh my! 18! Exciting. Daughter will be an adult. A big milestone for her, and you.
Yep, I had a bit of a hard time when my kids became adults. Pretty bittersweet. Don’t fret, all perfectly normal.
Do have a wonderful time with her. Sounds like D17 cherishes quality time. Hope you guys make some fantastic memories.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Still living in limbo. H is talking about holiday plans. Where we are going, who’s going to be visiting us. Still no R talk. Summers been over for awhile now. If I think back h is definitely not as angry as he used to be, seems to want to do more things with me/for me. More laughter. I don’t know what any of that means. No expectations right.
Right. Keep expectation to zero.
You are doing well. And there is positive movement. Be patient and keep on keeping on. Continue moving forward.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I think the upcoming holidays are going to be hard. That’s what’s starting to wear on me lately. Will it be the “last”?
Holidays usually stir these folks up. Us too. Dig deep for patience and remain even-keeled. Focus on the now, rather than is this the last. I know, it’s difficult. Keep giving yourself Grace, and realizing what/who you control in all this.
It snowed here last night. I’ll try to send it your way. I’d rather play chess than shovel snow. Lol.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree with what DnJ posted to you. The holidays tend to stir everyone up, especially those exhibiting confusion about what they want.
You have been handling your situation very well. You've given him the space to figure things out and as long as there is no pressure coming his way, I think he will stay at home and not move out. As for holiday plans, go with the flow and if something doesn't sit well with you, then don't do it. Leave the door open, invite him to events, but if he doesn't want to go, don't take it personally.
Oh, my...to be 18 again and know what we know today. Enjoy spending time with her. She may be growing up, but she will always need her mother.
I am glad to read that coaching is going well, and you are able to "unpack" all of those emotions that you had. Each time you have a session, you'll unpack more and more of those emotions. Always remember...breathe!
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had a hard time with my oldest turning 18 too so my emotions don’t surprise me. H loves to idea of the three of us having a day together for her birthday, so working on coming up with ideas.
H also mentioned that his B keeps inviting us to his house for Thanksgiving. It’s my dad’s turn to see us for Thanksgiving. H told me that we will not be going to his Bs house. He said it’s my dad’s turn and he knows how much that means to him. I almost cried.
I had a great dinner with my good friend that is in the know last night. She’s amazing and so supportive. She asks the hard questions and know I don’t have the answers yet. I’m blessed to have her.
The thing that I continue to wonder is if he will ever bring up our R. This can’t last like this forever can it. Until then I continue on. Determined to make these the best holidays ever, even if emotional.
I am glad you are going to your dad's for Thanksgiving and your h is being supportive of the visit.
Your friend has been there for you and continues to be there. The hard questions are to make you think. You may not have all of the answers right now, but in time, you will.
Eventually, when he is further along, he will talk to you about what has been going on w/him. It takes them a long time to come out of the fog. I know it is difficult to be patient, but he appears to be improving and wanting to do things with you and your daughter. At least he's not talking about moving out again.
It took me 23 years to finally get an email from my xh with an apology for being selfish and destroying the marriage. Don't have a clue as to what brought that apology on, but he recognized his part in ending the marriage. No mention of returning, but it is too late for that. I moved on many, many years ago.
I do hope and pray that your h will one day soon wake up and come to realize what he may lose.
Take care of yourself and keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. I pray for patience everyday. Some days are easier than others. No talk of D, no talk of moving out. He does his thing, I do mine. More doing things together lately. Time will tell.
Just checking in. Keep moving on. Doing my thing. Working on becoming the best me I can be. Crying in the shower or car seems to be my thing when I need it. It’s less and less. But some days are harder than others. Blessed to have you guys, my coaching group and friends to talk to.
D’s now 18…whew..birthday was so amazing. I took her out to practice driving in the morning, D, H, and I took the dog hiking and then had an amazing dinner. The staff brought out cheesecake for my D for her birthday which she doesn’t like. So H and I split it. Then he asks he what she wants instead. So on the way home he makes a special stop at DQ to get her a blizzard. Not sure he would have done that 6 months ago.
Tonight D18 and I had a special night. Wicked then dinner. We both really liked the movie and both cried. We spent an amazing dinner analyzing it. We’re nerds.
D19 comes home for Thanksgiving wed. Looking forward to seeing her and to spend Thanksgiving with me dad. I think this will be the easier holiday. Christmas I think will be harder. Probably my favorite holiday and I always get a little emotional now that my mom is gone. Time will tell. I love giving gifts and seeing those smiles on my kids faces. So time will tell what happens.
H has already told me he wants to watch our college football team together tomorrow and have some drinks together. In the back of my head I keep wondering if this is like bd when I thought things were going okay, but then I know I’m different now than I was then.
I actually had a thought the other day wondering if he was lying about where he was and actually looking for an apartment or with OW. You know the stories in your head. And I actually thought, well what if he is. Not like I can do anything about it. It really surprised me having that thought, but it’s so true and that it just popped in my head and I accepted it. Was quite the feeling. No expectations.
I am sure you are looking forward to your D coming home for Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time you have with her. It sounds like your h was ok with going out to dinner for her birthday and then stopping at DQ to get her a blizzard.
The holidays can be very rough for those who have lost family members over the years. When you feel emotional, pull out those wonderful memories that you shared with family and allow the warm glow from those memories wrap you in a warm blanket of love.
As for your h, no expectations. Keep focusing on you and your family. Plan some fun things to do during the holidays and if he wants to tag along, so be it. Control you and what you can do and leave the rest in God's hands. He is the only one that can drive the bus.
Happy Thanksgiving and I want to hear all about the fun things that you did with your family this holiday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Glad to hear D18’s birthday went well. Sounds like h/Dad managed to step up.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I actually thought, well what if he is. Not like I can do anything about it. It really surprised me having that thought, but it’s so true and that it just popped in my head and I accepted it. Was quite the feeling. No expectations.
Excellent!
Yes, it is rather surprising the first time we think, we feel, we accept like that. Quite the milestone.
Keep on doing your thing. Like job said, make family plans and let H join in if he wants to.
How’s the driving practice going? A rather stress inducing rite of passage. In the end, a good stress. For both parties.
Hope you’re having a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
