Hey it’s me. No changes here. Same old limbo land.
The event came and went. He told me that morning that he was going. I said oh that would be fun I wonder if there are tix left. He said no. There were. I said maybe I’ll go with my friend. He said no this is my thing that I want to do alone. Huh? Okay? I let it go but I had a really hard day because I knew he was with OW. Later that day another friend of mine invited me out. I would have gone but I would have had to drive myself and deal with parking in a bit so good area. She asked where h was, why wouldn’t he go. This friend doesn’t know what’s going on with us. I told her he was at a wine tasting, not lying for him. She asked why I didn’t go and I told her I wasn’t invited. She basically told me it was bull$hit and asked how long I was going to put up with this and I deserved better. That was a shock and I didn’t know what to say. She and her husband are friends with OW. If not for that I would have told her long ago. I just said I don’t know but I’m ready to do anything. She told me she would always be there for me. That was hard. I don’t know what to tell her. We’re having dinner next weekend and I just don’t know what will come up. The next day pics on Facebook of h and ow hanging out with her b and sil. Still hurts.
Had my good friends wedding this weekend. H told d19 all summer that he wasn’t going to go. But I told him some company would be nice and he said he’d think about it. Then he started talking like he was going to go. I told d and she said good because not going with you is not being a good husband. I didn’t comment. The day before he tells me he doesn’t want to go. The only reason I was upset was because I cancelled my hotel reservation because he and I would have had to drive home. Then no more rooms. D19 gave him a hard time and one of his reasons was that it’s just the dinner and dance, not the wedding. Anyway I expected him to be out all night while I was gone. But he picked up the kids dinner and watched the baseball game with them. Huh? Anyway I went to the wedding and had a blast! Then the next day he asks me how the ceremony was. What? He knew we weren’t invited. Did he actually forget or was it just bait. The old me would have made a sarcastic remark about him not remembering. I just calmly restated that it was just for family.
Things have been a little different. Why I don’t know. Instead of staying out until all hours after golf he’s home at a reasonable time. Even Fridays when he has “band practice” he’s been home early. And he doesn’t seem to be drinking as much. Very different. Why? Me? Her? Who knows.
I’ve been doing ALOT of self care and it has really been helping. Today was a little rough but I’ll get there. The uncertainty is still killing me. My friends that know keep asking what’s going on and don’t understand that I don’t know because I’m not bringing it up. Family Birthdays will start rolling this month. One every month until Jan. H wants to take the fam to dinner for his. D’s want to get him something. I group gift perhaps? Do I get him a card? With the holidays coming up I’m starting to wonder what will happen. We’ve always gotten stuff for each other. Do we now?
Hey it’s me. No changes here. Same old limbo land. The event came and went. He told me that morning that he was going. I said oh that would be fun I wonder if there are tix left. He said no. There were. I said maybe I’ll go with my friend. He said no this is my thing that I want to do alone. Huh? Okay? I let it go but I had a really hard day because I knew he was with OW. Later that day another friend of mine invited me out. I would have gone but I would have had to drive myself and deal with parking in a bit so good area. She asked where h was, why wouldn’t he go. This friend doesn’t know what’s going on with us. I told her he was at a wine tasting, not lying for him. She asked why I didn’t go and I told her I wasn’t invited. She basically told me it was bull$hit and asked how long I was going to put up with this and I deserved better. That was a shock and I didn’t know what to say. She and her husband are friends with OW. If not for that I would have told her long ago. I just said I don’t know but I’m ready to do anything. She told me she would always be there for me. That was hard. I don’t know what to tell her. We’re having dinner next weekend and I just don’t know what will come up. The next day pics on Facebook of h and ow hanging out with her b and sil. Still hurts.
Both things can be true. It is BS. Lying to you so as to control what you do is very cowardly.
AND
You are doing the best you can. What is that at this point? Accepting something that is very hard to accept.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Had my good friends wedding this weekend. H told d19 all summer that he wasn’t going to go. But I told him some company would be nice and he said he’d think about it. Then he started talking like he was going to go. I told d and she said good because not going with you is not being a good husband. I didn’t comment. The day before he tells me he doesn’t want to go. The only reason I was upset was because I cancelled my hotel reservation because he and I would have had to drive home. Then no more rooms. D19 gave him a hard time and one of his reasons was that it’s just the dinner and dance, not the wedding. Anyway I expected him to be out all night while I was gone. But he picked up the kids dinner and watched the baseball game with them. Huh? Anyway I went to the wedding and had a blast! Then the next day he asks me how the ceremony was. What? He knew we weren’t invited. Did he actually forget or was it just bait. The old me would have made a sarcastic remark about him not remembering. I just calmly restated that it was just for family.
Remember that a WAS is going to use everything + the kitchen sink to keep themselves in the mindsets they are in. And that can be so hurtful.
Each painful moment however is another opportunity for you to make adjustments. Next time he offers - just say no thank you. If he throws a fit over it and makes it your fault - let him. Remember.. you are accepting his decisions.
Not to mention, You've tested the waters recently... he's not different so you have to go back to guarding your heart. You have to stay grounded in the believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Behaviors are a language. As painful as it is to hear - he is showing you really where you stand.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Things have been a little different. Why I don’t know. Instead of staying out until all hours after golf he’s home at a reasonable time. Even Fridays when he has “band practice” he’s been home early. And he doesn’t seem to be drinking as much. Very different. Why? Me? Her? Who knows.
And who cares! Cheeseless tunnel at this point. Remember no guess. No assuming.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I’ve been doing ALOT of self care and it has really been helping. Today was a little rough but I’ll get there. The uncertainty is still killing me. My friends that know keep asking what’s going on and don’t understand that I don’t know because I’m not bringing it up. Family Birthdays will start rolling this month. One every month until Jan. H wants to take the fam to dinner for his. D’s want to get him something. I group gift perhaps? Do I get him a card? With the holidays coming up I’m starting to wonder what will happen. We’ve always gotten stuff for each other. Do we now?
Holidays are hard. There is no way around it.
Your friends advicee is from a place that you haven't quite grasped all the way: Detachment.
Letting go is hard and it is not something done once but in a million little decisions over time.
Self care in the form of hanging out with friends, hobbies, etc. is all well in good. But it is the first layer. The deeper layers tend to be in regards to how you are going to treat yourself? What treatment will you you accept from others? And how do you choose yourself even when you have so much fear and pain?
So when you think about the holiday season...pull way back. Instead of you and H - put in two strangers. Or perhaps your closest g/f with an husband.
What are you thoughts about a wife buying gifts for her cheating husband? What are you thoughts about a wife celebrating the birth of a husband who is going to then go celebrate with another woman?
I don't say those things to hurt you only to encourage you to brave the pain that comes with the answers. The "reasons" and "excuses" and to find the answers to "what does bkerchik need in order to feel safe in this season".
No one will pressure you here on this site if you still choose to buy gifts or participate, but this line of thinking is the work. Fighting through the shame, the betrayal, the abandonment, and rejection... and to come out and go "Hey! I matter here!".
Often we start by asking our spouse to answer that call... but it really needs to come from within in order for true healing to happen.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
V, I totally get it. I think. I thought I was doing better. Doing things for me, trying to make myself happy, maybe that’s not enough or maybe I’m not far enough along yet I don’t know. A year ago I don’t think I would have gone to that wedding at all so I was pretty proud of myself.
I don’t know how I’m going to get around the birthday thing. Do I want to get him gift…not really. But the D’s have already been asking about it since it’s something we always do. A gift and dinner together. They still don’t know what’s going on.
V, I totally get it. I think. I thought I was doing better. Doing things for me, trying to make myself happy, maybe that’s not enough or maybe I’m not far enough along yet I don’t know. A year ago I don’t think I would have gone to that wedding at all so I was pretty proud of myself.
It's not about doing "better" or it about it being "enough". It's just layered and complicated. You should very much celebrate that wedding. One doesn't negate the other. It's okay to be proud of the work you have done AND understand there is more to do.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I don’t know how I’m going to get around the birthday thing. Do I want to get him gift…not really. But the D’s have already been asking about it since it’s something we always do. A gift and dinner together. They still don’t know what’s going on.
That is your choice.. and often one I see here.. doing things for the kids. Your kids aren't young though. They might not know whats exactly going on... but i'm also sure they are aware of something.
I'm not sure protection from the truth is what they need. I am not saying that it wouldn't be hard and painful for them... but I can tell you that having parents who stayed together who weren't loving to each other is no picnic in the park.
People are always watching... even them. What do you think they see?
In all honesty though - this is your choice. Truly. My opinion...is just that... an opinion.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
