Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, Valeska19, and here I had thoughts and a post partially formed from your helpful words…. And then things happened and I wrote this slice of life chapter.


Well, an eventful few days I think… I learned more of what is going inside D20 and D18. S13 just hears, is a moody teen boy with who "I don't feed good Dad." and perhaps XW's parents. Later that same day after I posted …

Context - the van in question is a 2022 Honda Odyssey…quite reliable and valuable and new.

Fri eve...right after the previous post

D20, "Dad, what is this about Mom dropping off her van? I don’t understand."

Thinking Oh, now D20 is involved too. XW must have messaged her.

G, considering what to say and not say, "Well……. Your mother called me yesterday at work and said she wanted me to take the van. Something about it wasn’t working and it wasn’t safe. To maybe give it to D18.

D20, surprised, "it’s still in your name?"

G, "Yes, It has been in both our names. I just paid it off. She was to put it in her name now."

D20, frowny faced, "You’re not going to take it are you?"

G, "No D20. I don’t plan on taking it."

D20, "Good. ‘Cause that is just not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. She needs to take care of it. Sell it or whatever. D18 won’t want it."


Separately, later that night, I ended up in a similar conversation with D18. I don’t think she knew about my earlier conversation with D20.
......from the middle somewhere...

G, "I didn’t want to involve you at all with this, but if she drops it off, we have to figure out a way to get you to class and work."

D18, "Dad, I don’t wan’t the van. But I can drive it if I have to. If mom drops it off and isn’t taking me to class or work. I have driven it the places I have to go and I can do it."

G, "OK. We’ll still get you a car like we planned. 50/50 on the price. I don’t want you to be tied or obligated to what ever she decides to do. I don't try and control or figure out what your mom is doing"

D18, "I know Dad. Just, I can drive it if I have to for now. ... Grandma wishes she would get mental help. She thinks it might be hereditary because her grandma had problems."

OH

That came out of nowhere. I knew some bare bones of that story but... XW's mother, D18's grandmother is/was talking to D18 like this?

I like the openess to be able to talk like that...but ... I'm not sure that is D18's to bear. The dynamic this creates between D18, XMiL, and XW. It doesn't feel quite right.

Saturday - Time for D18 to remove transportation dependence

I had been surveying the used car market for some weeks since our CA trip to figure out something appropriate. College kid. Reliable. Cheap. Safe. D18’s preferences. I picked out some cars to test drive One at a dealer and some at small car lots.

2014 MAZDA CX-5 w/150k miles: was an outlier at a dealer. Surprisingly low cost. “As-Is” … dealer decided to try and flip a trade in to see if they could get a bite before sending it to wholesale. D18 liked how it drove. …. it had a “crunchy” noise in the front wheels, corrosion on internal metal bits and around the spare tire as if it had been water damaged…

2016 Honda Accord EX-L w/150k miles: normal advertised cost. Luxurious for the model. Temp control display did’t come on until car was turned off and on again. LOL. Drove very nice and smooth. D18 hated how Honda accelerator pedals act. Could tolerate a low slung sedan.

2014 Toyota Corolla w/150k miles. Battery was dead. Outside plastic bits had cracks and one small piece fell off. Drove like a Toyota Corolla. D18 thought the place and car were sketchy. Not sure she like sedans but could do it if needed.

All day we had discussions about trade offs: with longevity of some brands, long term cost per year that could be expected, high milage/low up front cost vs low milage/high up front cost, the cost of features, gas and insurance costs, repair money set asides, how each car make had a “feel” to it, etc…. She has now driven seven different vehicles in all and narrowed it down to liking an older Mazda CX-5 as her preference...from private sellers locally one at 140k miles asking $9200 and one at 165k miles asking $6900. D18s considered choice, we go try the lower price one. We send a message.

D20 and friend get all dressed up go to a 21 Pilots concert.

Sunday - Car found!

1am D20 returns with friend to sleep in. LOL

Get S13 D18 up breakfast church and team duties lunch confirm meet location time and head out for test drive with D18. Private seller seems honest, has put $2k in maintenance into SUV over the last two years. ”I figured I’d sell it to a single mom or college student and wanted them to be safe.”

The good parts of humanity.

I verbally offer, seller accepts. I go back and work the private seller process through AutoTrader. They escrow the money and act as a virtual dealer for paperwork. Maybe pick up tomorrow.

Time for weekly grocery shopping and cooking with D20. We talk along the way. She wants to know some things. And say things.

- D18 needs to be not dependent on mom, I’m so glad you found a car with her
- Can you get a grill now? I know you said after finished paying mom. I’ll buy herbs and steaks….please…
- How much do you pay her? How much do you make?
- Of course mom’s van broke, she doesn’t maintain it or take care of it. She’s got two giant cracks in the windshield now.
- She might not have money for it. She spent it all.
- And ……..more

G, ”I know D20. Your sister is ready to make that step now. Yes, we can get a grill after next month. This is also why I haven’t yet purchased the motorcycle I was eyeing either. I pay your mother $xxxx a month for 18 months total. I make $xxxxxx a year and that is 1/4 of my income. I chose to agree to pay that until D18 was independent…based on a worksheet of projected expenses. I chose, not your mother, because I needed S13 to have schooling and D18 work, school, and gym transportation at least until now. I don’t know what your mother has done with the van. The insurance on it covers windshield cracks.”. …. and more

I didn’t address what XW does with money.
I stayed away from anything that might put down or be derogatory.
I claimed MY choices for MY reasons.
I tried to have transparency on what I choose and why within the scope of the resources I have.

Monday - D18 dances a jig

As a federal holiday, I have the day off. So. Time to get to work. LOL

I work the forms to add D18 as a driver to my insurance policy. Then the forms to add the car. Then I get a notification the money escrow transfer completed and arranged a noontime pickup with the seller. …. D18 is happy nervous driving home by herself! Wooo!

Then arrange medical appointments for both of us. Paperwork. Talk to car insurance company to clear up details and ensure young driver discounts we can get are achieved.

She drives herself to work and back in the afternoon. Oooos and Ahhhhs from bosses and coworkers. Heh. To be 18.

I take S13 to his scout like troop in the evening. Oof, I need t prep for a multi-troop campout next weekend!

Time to crash out tonight. I’m tired. Has this only been three and a half days since XW’s noontime call? Looking back it seems like that’s a LOT of stuff… in multiple dimensions!

g

XW did not show up at the curb tonight.


Joris Delacroix - Take Your Time or alt version Joris Delacroix & Nancy - Take Your Time (Live Version)

Take your time
To take a break, do not go too fast
Breath in, do it but with your own rhythm
Don't tell me you don't have the time
You'll go faster than you think
.....
Why don't you take your time? Once listen
Ocean waves. Bird's songs
Heart feels. Listen
(listen, listen, listen, listen)
.....
Let's go take your time
Let's go take your time