For me for the last while, I've been cycling through anger, withdrawl, and depression in shorter bouts... and with being in contact again, I've finally gotten to acceptance. I think this is because I know he's OK. I don't wait around for him to contact me, but it's nice when he does. Nice in a hearing from someone you haven't talked to in a while kind of way, not emotional. For an emote like me, this is HUGE! His loneliness isn't affecting me anymore. I'm not freaking out when his name pops up on my phone. Leaving him to initiate contact, and not sharing anything about what we're up to here. I think I'm finally getting a hang on detaching!!!
Yes, it sounds like you are detached pretty well. Nice when our emotions aren’t dragging us all over the place, isn’t it.
These situations, this grief, is multi-faceted. There are many bits and pieces. As time goes on we put them together much like a jigsaw puzzle. Slowly building/rebuilding ourselves in the process.
At bomb drop, everything was new, we are in utter shock, and every piece starts in denial. We only have a certain amount of bandwidth and time and resources, and as such grief happens piecemeal-wise. A few facets/items getting our attention and progression at a time.
Months (years) in, some of those bits/facets have indeed progressed to acceptance, others are in the stage of anger, others bargaining, others we are depressed about, and still more lay unknown in denial. Perfectly normal this spread across the grief process; only so much time and bandwidth.
This is why we move between stages; experience setbacks, backslides, and such. They’re not really backslides, just seems like it as another piece comes to the fore. Slowly, more and more facets become accepted.
Therefore to assess, or state where one is within grief is difficult. For all the time after the initial shock until full acceptance we are within multiple stages. In fact, we are within all stages for most of the time until that last “bit” leaves denial and starts progressing. Thus, as a rule of thumb, where one is experiencing the bulk of their processing - realizing we are experiencing all stages - is where one is along their grief path.
To compound the stages of grief - or maybe companion the stages is more apt - is detachment, indifference, and the return of your feelings.
I do believe you have found detachment and are entering indifference. Ah, indifference, a time when our feelings toward our spouse are greatly attenuated or numbed. You recognized how you can hear from H, and are non-emotional. Detached and indifferent.
Indifference brings a wonderful peace with it. Make the most of this temporary numbness. This is truly a golden opportunity, a time when you can dig deep within yourself and discover your deeply held beliefs and values, while free from the cacophony of H and his behaviours.
After categorizing your convictions and biases and prejudices. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which inspires. Discard or alter that which does not, or no longer, serves.
I also will pass on a caution. While indifferent, other feelings will loom larger than they really. Other feelings will seem very large against the void of what once was. This is a time of temptations. Remember, decisions made based on emotions lead to regret. This time of unfeeling is temporary.
Indifference, like all feelings, does flit. It does unwind. The numbness retreats. The old feelings, the old love, does return. However, for those who have done the inner work, made the most of their golden opportunity, this unwinding is not a big deal. In fact, the feelings returning gives substance to one’s immutable past. Thus, more a companion along the journey, rather than compounding it.
When indifference unwinds, grief takes another palpable hit. That unfeeling provided relief. Made it seem or feel we were further along in our grief than we are. Oddly, that return, that hit, provides a boosts to our progress. Usually jump starting one’s realization and exiting of bargaining. Their “acceptance” that the old normal is gone and they must embrace their new normal. And thus ushering in depression.
It’s a strange thing when acceptance happens. It just kind of appears. The dark depression slowly gives way. No big fan-fare. No real warning. One day you just kind of realize it. You hear birds again. You see colors again. The world is not the gray as it has seemed. You’ve worked through those facets.
Don’t fret over it. Grief lasts as long as it does. It will end when it will, and not one second earlier. It’s hard to believe, yet time really is a gift.
Originally Posted by Unbeatab
I'm at peace again, and I'm focusing on the boys and I. S17 and I went on a 2 day road trip a week ago... the scenery was beautiful!
Very excited, because now that fall/winter hours have begun at work, we have 3 days off a week! We've created a sourdough starter named Audrey, and I'm going to be spending more time teaching the boys life and social skills. Way more time for cooking, walks, and gardening...and we are all going to learn how to bake and do home repairs.
Wonderful stuff!
An excellent investment of that gift of time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
