Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[DnJ]

Hello g

Sorry to hear that D18 is having a rough time. I’ll share a few thoughts that come mind. Perhaps a nugget or two that if chewed upon may yield an insight of one’s own perspective, position, and place to grow. Not too tall an order for D18 methinks, as she’s got a pretty smart head on her shoulders.

After Mom made me feel the same way on the way home from work today.

No one can make you else feel a specific way. Certainly, they can trigger an emotional response, yet reinforcement and not letting a feeling extinguish comes from within.

Feelings are fleeting. Things lasting are being breathed life from you. Follow the sting and figure out why.

I just wanted people to listen to me and understand how I feel. To see me. Not tell me how to solve it.

I found this to be very true for young gals. Feelings vs facts. Focused on feelings and drama rather than solution or resolution.

“I just wanted people to listen to me” - You cannot control what other people do. Talking more, screaming, none of that will work either. Accept what you can control - you.

What can you do? Modify your goal, slightly. Don’t have people listen to you, instead offer for people to hear you.


“understand how I feel.” - Again, you cannot control their level of understanding or willingness to understand.

What can you do? Know thy self. Do you understand your feelings? Are those emotions stable? Long lasting? What are they built upon? If you don’t understand yourself, how can other’s be expected to.

To be clear, stable, long lasting, built upon - those are beliefs, values, convictions. Feelings are fleeting; convictions are those worthy tenets and principles to follow. And more importantly, to lead with.


‘To see me. Not tell me how to solve it.” - A genuine critic is gold. Absolutely gold! Someone took time and effort to share with you their perception of you. That’s gold! So many people do not speak true, or would even put forth such genuine effort.

What can you do? Hear them. Thank them for sharing their viewpoint. True, it may hurt, it may not be what you want to hear. However, that is where growth is. Where growth lives and breathes.

Of course, this is one data point. One peer critic. Accept it for what it is. And where there is opportunity to grow and get better, do so.

The best way to be heard and understood, is to live it. Know and live those convictions. Not feelings, dig deeper. Find your tenets. By the way, it’s a life long process and pursuit. So, you got time.


Lastly,

…I have been arguing about (insert recent social/political topic).

There are hot button topics - politics, religion, and such. To be blunt, there is little point or value in arguing those.

Most people, and I mean the vast majority of people are incapable of altering their beliefs. What I mean. Anything that runs contrary to their bias makes them question and feel bad, and therefore is tossed out as wrong. Regardless of evidence or not.

Likewise, that which runs with their bias reinforces their world view and is accepted, further entrenching them. Again, regardless of evidence or not.

It is a rare person who will consistently question and challenge themselves, their viewpoints, biases, etc. Such a person has the ability to hear new data. Explore it. Challenge its validity and when appropriate alters their world view accordingly. Be such a rarity.

Also, arguing begets arguing. Discussion is better. However, like I said regarding hot button topics, ask yourself - “Does this person have the emotional maturity, the rational processes, to hear? A willingness to grow?” If not, avoid it. Don’t waste your time and literal breath trying to discuss, it would likely end up an argument anyhow.

- - - -

As to the van. A few more thoughts…

Short version - Do not take the van. Stay away from it.

The van is hers by our settlement.

I just paid it off last month.

I let her know to put the title in her name only and she should now get her own independent auto insurance.

I’d send an email (or text if that’s the preferred method of written correspondence) telling her the van is her’s. It’s paid off. And she needs to get the title and insurance into her name. She’s free to sell it if she wishes; and you do not want it.



XW still has quite the story of persecution. Pretty wild. I think the 3 minute word salad is just the tip of the iceberg.

I'll just live at my shop and take a taxi if I need to go out.

Wasn’t XW picking up the adult/kids every now and then? Not sure a taxi would be the best solution here for her. However, not your circus, not your monkeys.

I know often the best love is one that lets people experience the consequences of their actions.

Yep.

Also, you do not want to manipulate her path. How her life unfolds, whatever direction things go, whatever consequences occur, is not a responsibility you want upon your head.

Find a reliable small car for D18. She’ll love it. It also won’t be a hand me down van. And XW won’t have any hooks into you or D18.

Hope that helps.

D