Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Curveball Redux

advice?

Well...

Sitting at work today. Almost empty office because of the government budget conflict. A lot and nothing going on at the same time as I try to keep our projects going.

The desk phone rings at noon. ?? I'm not expecting any calls until the government budget is passed, and people come back to work.

I recognize the number.
It's XW's cell phone.
Calling me at work.
When there are no outstanding issues, I know of.
Trepidation.

G, neutrally, "Good Morning"
XW, up then down tones, "Goooood Morning", she's unhappy and doesn't want to address whatever this is.

XW, "I want you to take the van. I don't want it. It is still in both our names. Just take it and go get D18 a car this weekend. It's being used against me. THEY are targeting it and it's not safe for D18 and S13. When I take her to work or class or take him to my shop. "

G, pausing, addressing just the D18 issue, "She and I have that planned and covered. We're working on getting a car."

XW, in a three-minute word salad, "People want $2000 for this and $2000 for that for the van, figuring I don't know what is really needed or not. I can't do this anymore. I'll just live at my shop and take a taxi if I need to go out. I just want the children to be safe. Keep them safe from people playing games with me. When they target the van it's not safe for the children. I know you know more about this than you say. "

G, pausing, not wanting to deal with any of this, wondering how you validate those swirling feelings, "Yes, of course the children will be kept safe. I'll think about it..."

XW, a little resignedly, " I know you'll have to think about it. Be careful about who you talk to about it though. Some will advise all kinds of things to get at me and might harm the children. They've already tried at D18's work. I've survived worse and I'll survive this. You can just give the van to D18. I'll be passenger princess until she is comfortable driving it." And then continued for more minutes circling the same topics.

G, pausing, unwilling to rush my thoughts, "I'll talk to D18. And think about it."

XW, sad tone of someone who knows they are interrupting, "OK. I know you'll think about it. I'll empty the van this weekend. I'll let you go. I know you're at work."

considerations

The van is hers by our settlement.

I just paid it off last month.

I let her know to put the title in her name only and she should now get her own independent auto insurance.

D18 won't want the van. It's too big for her driving comfort. She just got her license.

I don't actually know more than I let on. I just don't give any signs of what I do or don't know. As the popular meme goes, "Ain't Nobody got time for dat"

Getting D18 a small used car at reasonable cost but reliable, is a pain in the a$$. I don't like dealing with these people. It's more been just a matter of timing.

thoughts

I'm sad hearing XW's distress, her inability to address things like car maintenance when I knew her as a very intelligent woman, apparently no friends to help her though this, her thought to live out of a commercial leased shop with no transportation, and so on.

I know often the best love is one that lets people experience the consequences of their actions.

I’m not as detached as Kind18. Maybe I’ll get there.

I want to be and appear impeccable in my dealings with XW.

I tend not to believe her notions of persecution...though I've heard from some women that female group vengeance can get pretty out of hand.

I don't want to involve D18 at all, but she IS already from whatever XW is telling her.

side tale (or D18 is involved)

I was finishing up kitchen clean two nights ago when I hear D20 and D18 arguing upstairs. It sounds serious. I let them be. They must find their own equilibrium as sisters. Within household rules on behavior.

D20 comes downstairs, "Dad, please go check on D18. We were arguing, she fell apart and threw the full bird water dishes on the floor."

When I go upstairs, I see D18 sitting against the wall, curled into a ball, sobbing. "D18, why don't you go lay down on my bed for a bit. We'll talk later"

D18, whispering, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't move, I can't"

G, patting her on the head, "OK D18. When you can." and I go about evening upstairs routines. D18 disappears into her bedroom shortly after.
…
I’m almost done, ready to crash for the night, finally, when D18 pops in with her new MacBook and school assignment on screen. Her eyes are still teary.

D18, ”Dad, Dad, you have to read this. This criticism of my speech in class the other day. We’re required to give a critique in the forum of other speakers.”

I read it but don’t really see anything unusual. Just a short critique at a college peer level of writing and understanding. And through the lens of what the college peer was expecting the speech to be like, not necessarily what the instructions called for. I explained what I saw and why. That it was worth considering but not to be taken as truth or instruction. It was just how she came across to one person who has their own biases and interests.

D18, considers but adds, ”But Dad, she didn’t have to put it THAT way. It didn’t FEEL nice. Like I couldn’t do it right. SHE was all casual and I did mine like they pounded into us in the homeschool coop for formal speeches.”

Oh. OK. Now we are getting to this evening’s emotional upset. In the style of indirect emotional communication. I talked about how we can feel about criticism and how to navigate how it does feel by recognizing the other person’s reality is what drives their communication.

D18, ”Yeah Dad, but it’s hard. You know my best friend N and I have been arguing about (insert recent social/political topic). Like I asked you about the other day. Look what she messaged me today. She tried to trap me implying I don’t do my research, like I couldn’t do it right, and therefore she was always right.”

I look over the messages. I point out N’s logical inconsistencies and (likely unintentional) emotional manipulation. I reassure D18 that her thoughtful and intelligent replies were well done and appropriate.

D18, sadly, ”Well, when I was arguing with D20 tonight about (topic X), she was telling me how I was wrong. I felt like I couldn’t do it right. Ever. It was too much for me to take. I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t deal with it. It’s too much. After Mom made me feel the same way on the way home from work today. I just wanted people to listen to me and understand how I feel. To see me. Not tell me how to solve it.

And there it was. I counted four times since noon she had interactions with in which she felt others thought she was wrong and incapable. The one before falling apart was with Mom.

- - I’m not looking for you to solve my problems, but validation of my feelings, that you SEE the inner me.

We talked until 12:30a. So tired.

How will D18 take Mom trying to push her only vehicle to her, whether trade in or direct?

g

Joris Delacroix, Montmartre - Let You Down ft. Findlay (Original Mix)

I let you down
You knocked me out
I'm going back
To the hometown

I let you down
I'm not your crown
Please go back
Back to your hometown