I've been lurking for several months, but this is the first time I'm sitting down to write out my experience. To tell you the truth, it's a little daunting but I'm hoping for some support or at the minimum a listening ear from those who can relate.
My Husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for going on 6 years. Throughout our relationship H has always battled depression off and on. He refuses to seek any type of individual counseling and has never been one to really take care of himself as far as regular doctor visits, dentist visits, etc. He has also struggled with addiction off and on. I believe him to be an alcoholic, he claims he's not. I grew up with alcoholic parents so I'm not new to addiction. Because of his excessive alcohol use and marijuana use I was hesitant to start trying for a family. He will go out with friends or coworkers and not come home when he says he's going to & then be out til 2 or 3 in the morning. & I had told him that I was scared that he would maintain the same behaviors even if we had a baby. I did not mean for that to be offensive to him, but I know that me telling him that really bothered him. His behavior would change for maybe a week, and then he would be back to the same old song and dance.
His mother passed away about 18 months ago, and this behavior escalated to the point where he would no longer even come home right after work. He would go straight to the bars to hang out and drink. In April I became so agitated that he was never home. I was taking care of all the household chores on my own and felt like he wasn't contributing at all. We shared locations on our phones with each other at the time and it all came to a head when I saw he was over at a friends' house when he told me he was just going to make a quick run to the grocery store. I immediately called him out and asked why he didn't tell me he was going to go hang out with his friend. He said we "needed to talk" when he got home. He did not come home until 1:00 in the morning, woke me up, and then proceeded to tell me that he's not happy and we need to separate and start looking at divorce. He was drunk, so admittedly I didn't believe anything he was saying, it's not like he hasn't said mean things before when he's been drinking.
Come to find out, he did mean it. He went to stay at his parent's house for the rest of that week, and then at the end of the week he came back home and stayed. When we talked, H said he didn't feel loved or supported by me. That I devoted too much time to my career and things I wanted to accomplish in life. Which is a fair statement. I think I had felt so neglected by him that I began pouring myself into other things to keep myself busy. He's upset that we don't have any children yet. We had a sexless marriage for the last several years 1) due to some past trauma I'm working through myself but 2) it's also difficult to want sex when you feel like you're constantly "mom"-ing your spouse. Sex has never been super important to me, but no matter the situation, I wish I would have realized sooner how much that hurt him and loved him in the ways he needed/wanted and not how I thought I should love him.
I've been DBing since April. He's been staying at home since April, with a few mentions from time to time about how he needs to/wants to move out. I know it's controversial about whether you should or shouldn't sleep with your partner during this time, but our sex life has blossomed over the past several months. Quite literally never been better. He's made several mentions about how much he sees I've changed over the past several months and how amazing it's been. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how much he will always love me. He texts me throughout the day everyday. Yet, he still seems very much confused about what he wants. He told me again at the beginning of this week that he's planning on moving out at the end of the week. I'm devastated, and to be totally honest kind of panicking. I feel like DBing works so much better if they are around to see the changes. I know I have to let him go to try to figure things out on his own. But I also know the few friends and coworkers he's talked to about our situation he probably hasn't painted our relationship in the most truthful light, so even if he does miss me they are all going to be in his ear convincing him to not reach out. It just [censored]. We've had our ups and downs, but I truly love this man and want to be able to work all this out. I know he's in a fog right now though and I can't change his mind. Only he can. I'm just not sure where to go now once he moves out.
Welcome to the boards. I am glad you made the daunting step of sharing your story and experience. I am going to copy the welcomed post at the end of this. Lots of useful links and information in there.
Just to confirm, married six years, together 13, with no kids. What are your ages? Rent, mortgage, own? House? Yard? Or apartment?
It appears you’ve read Divorce Remedy. And have been implementing DB since April. And a caution for you, do not share DR, DBing techniques, this site, and such with H. He will likely see it as you attempting to manipulate him, and he will pull back, or even run in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
During your relationship you’ve seen H going in and out of depression. By the sounds of it, a more or less constant shadow hanging over him. I’m hesitant to use “battling depression” as H’s behaviour and looking after himself suggests more just ignore and denial. No IC, no doctor, no dentist, is unfortunately rather common. People do not seem to reach out until they’ve hit bottom.
H’s alcohol and marijuana use you describe as excessive. From what you’ve shared it does sound like an addiction and/or alcoholism. As you well know, given your upbringing, that is a tough disease.
Originally Posted by jaejae
His mother passed away about 18 months ago, and this behaviour escalated to the point where he would no longer even come home right after work. He would go straight to the bars to hang out and drink.
The death of his Mom would escalate his denial and hiding of his pain. Escaping by sitting at barstool will not work. However, H will not see that right now. In fact, he’ll likely fight against such an epiphany.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I've been DBing since April. He's been staying at home since April, with a few mentions from time to time about how he needs to/wants to move out.
H moved back after his one week living with a friend. It’s pretty normal H mentioning still wanting to move out. He is confused and not facing things.
Give H lots of time and space. Lots!
Keep pressure to a minimum. And minimize R-talks.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I know it's controversial about whether you should or shouldn't sleep with your partner during this time, but our sex life has blossomed over the past several months. Quite literally never been better.
Good. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
My advice/suggest is: no cake eating. Which means, if H is having an affair, then no sex.
At the moment, it sounds like H is not embroiled in an affair. So enjoy.
Originally Posted by jaejae
He's made several mentions about how much he sees I've changed over the past several months and how amazing it's been.
Do make those positive changes - for you. That way they’ll become permanent.
Originally Posted by jaejae
He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how much he will always love me. He texts me throughout the day everyday. Yet, he still seems very much confused about what he wants. He told me again at the beginning of this week that he's planning on moving out at the end of the week.
H’s confusion is ever present.
Originally Posted by jaejse
I'm devastated, and to be totally honest kind of panicking. I feel like DBing works so much better if they are around to see the changes. I know I have to let him go to try to figure things out on his own.
Breathe.
Give H time and space.
You can only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
H is confused. And you wisely realize H needs to figure out his mess. Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
I know it’s difficult. Dial your expectations down to zero. H stated he wants to move out this week.
When you expect something unwanted, you will unknowingly obsess and give off vibes, small behaviours and mannerisms, that fertilize the very thing you do not want to occur. As difficult as it is, dial that to zero.
Having no expectations, is like most of the advice here, for you and your mental/emotional health. No expectations also gives you your best chance, by you not subconsciously pushing H more towards the door.
Time and space. Focus on you. Let H do what he is going to do. Hopefully, he remains at home.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I know he's in a fog right now though and I can't change his mind. Only he can. I'm just not sure where to go now once he moves out.
Absolutely. H is in a fog. Be kind and cordial. You don’t place boulders on his path, yet don’t pave it in gold either.
H hasn’t moved out. He might not. Or he might. You cannot control H’s choice. However, you can do for you. Speak with a lawyer.
See a L. Have a consult. This is only for information. You need not act on anything right now. However, if things go really sideways, you will be prepared. Knowledge is power. And like DB, do not tell or share that you’ve seen a L, nor what you learned, with H.
Learn your rights and responsibilities in all this. Discover the best case, worst case, and likely case if things go off the rails.
That probably sounds anti-DB. It’s not.
You are on two paths. One is emotional and healing. The other is business. Keep them separate. And when dealing with business, be business-like.
The business stuff is pretty straightforward, it’s the emotional/healing journey we will spend the bulk of our time with.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, DnJ. To answer some of your questions, yes married 6 years, together for 13. No kids. But we do have 2 dogs who mean the world to us. We both are 33 years old. We have a house together with a mortgage.
H officially moved out yesterday. & took one of the dogs with him. I am gutted, but I didn't fight it and let him go. It's so hard being alone in our home with photos of us on the walls and memories everywhere. I am doing my best to not reach out to him, even though I really want to. It's difficult to go from talking to someone every single day for the last 13 years to not at all. But I know it's what has to happen if I want even a modicum of a chance to turn this all around.
I'm working hard at GAL. It is more difficult to do so when I just feel so sad, but fake it til you make it, I guess.
We haven't discussed the bills, mortgage, or household expenses too much. We are in an interesting predicament right now as he's the sole breadwinner. I have been working only little part-time jobs as I'm finishing up graduate school this year. Typically though, I was the one who kept track of all the household expenses and paid the bills and utilities as they came up. I did transfer his car note information back to him make sure it gets paid every month. All other household expenses I plan to keep up on though, as I'm the one living in the house. We have a shared bank account, and despite the fact that we are separated right now he did say he wasn't going to just cut me off. As awful as all of this has been, I do believe him in that sense. & if for some reason he did, I know my support system is not going to let me fail as they want to see me finish graduate school.
I've been doing my best to go dark the past couple of days. I have not reached out to him, although he hasn't reached out either. As far as going dark do people usually remove their spouses off social media so that they can't see updates? That seems so callous to me, but I can also see how it might be beneficial. I've just refrained from posting anything on social media the last 2 days. I want him to feel like he has no way to know what I've been up to. Almost like I've vanished completely.
Journaling: As much as I miss him and want things to work out, I'm angry today. He hasn't once taken accountability for his role in all of this. I'm not the only one that has done wrong in our marriage. I've taken accountability for my faults, acknowledged said faults by name, and have begun doing the internal and external work to ensure these faults are fixed and don't happen again in whatever the future may hold. I've listened to him over and over and over again tell me how he feels like I've messed up. & I've listened. I've agreed. But he makes it seem like every thing is my fault, and it's not. I so badly want to tell him that I'm angry because he has a hand in all of this too. He isn't owning it and isn't doing anything to work on himself.
Journaling: As much as I miss him and want things to work out, I'm angry today. He hasn't once taken accountability for his role in all of this.
Be aware that’s unlikely to ever happen.
I’m six years post bomb-drop with a WAW who has since moved house 7 times, had several new men, and spent every waking minute trying to defame me on social media - despite her initiating an affair and then cleaning out the house and kids.
And not once has there been a shred of remorse or self realisation.
People who decide to rip their family apart want it to be someone else’s fault, and they’ll play all sorts of mental gymnastics to convince themselves and others it was your fault.
My advice - you need to get yourself to a position where you don’t need him to take accountability. Accept it’s likely never going to happen, and then you won’t waste time thinking about it.
JaeJae, I'm sorry you are here. I too had a partner with an addiction. It is not easy on the soul.
I'm going to gently suggest that you put things in place to start protecting yourself. A walk away partner is all over the place... add the addiction.. and it can turn sour very quickly. Being in denial about this won't help you. Taking care of the bills and expenses is now only an illusion of control. Again if its you or his addiction... he is going to choose his addiction.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I do believe him in that sense. & if for some reason he did, I know my support system is not going to let me fail as they want to see me finish graduate school.
I would start shifting to that support system now. You have spent your whole marriage thinking about him, basing your actions around him. That's how addiction works. They are the "mistress" you never asked for.
This "shift" doesn't have to be done over night. It can start discussing options with friends, attending support groups or going to therapy.
I know you know this deep down... but YOU can't save a marriage when an addiction is present. It's a relationship killer.
It's important that you get educated around their communication styles. Manipulation, gaslighting. Promises with no actions. And it's important to go back and see why you didn't listen to the alarm bells going off in your own body. It makes sense you wouldn't want kids with an addict... you know what that does being a child of one yourself.
I know you are coming here to save your marriage so I'm sure this is very much not what you want to hear. But I have walked a similar path. It's painful as all h3ll.. but the amount of time of suffer and how much...is entirely in your hands.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks for your insight, Valeska. I know that you're right, overcoming the addiction has to be something he wants to fix and come to that conclusion on his own, otherwise we're never going to get anywhere. I know he knows his drinking tendencies are a problem, he's admitted as such before. Yet, there have not really been any action steps taken to correct that. I still have a glimmer of hope that he will reach this conclusion now that he's moved out and on his own, but only time will tell. I am treading cautiously, fighting like heck to detach, and also leaning heavily on my support system for now.
Detaching is so so so so so difficult. & I know you all know that, but gosh it just feels like there is an H shaped hole in my everyday right where he should be. Since he's moved out, I've attempted to go dark and have failed a couple of times by reaching out to him. Sometimes communication with him is just so confusing because one day he says he wants us to keep in contact, but then other days I can tell he's so angry with how our relationship has ended up and he acts like he never wants to speak to me again. Yesterday morning he called me just to tell me that he loves me and hoped I had a good day. Afterwards, he texted me and told me he wanted to see me before I have to leave to go out of town for a work trip. But two days before that he had told me he hasn't wanted to try to save our marriage for a long time now, and that unfortunately the failure of our marriage maybe just has to be a "lesson we both had to learn the hard way". It's confusing because if H is seemingly that ready to just give up and put the marriage behind us, then why the barrage of "I love yous" and wanting to see me? Difficult to wrap my brain around, and maybe it isn't for me to understand right now. At any rate, I'm trying to keep busy with projects around the house, walking my dog, and schoolwork. Whatever I can do to keep myself distracted and not reaching out to him.
