Whew! Eight miles of speed walking and running on the Cape Fear River Trail. My feet hurt a bit. It’s been a while….
I’m in Fayetteville, NC for a few days this week and then home. I got new running shoes after work today and had to try them out. Old ones had soles coming off and I just would used them when mowing the lawn. D20 asked me the other day to start running with her and go for two miles that day. I said OK. I was tired but … I’m a work in progress on saying yes anyway. She was surprised, ”Dad! I thought you were going to say no and take a nap!”
My gov coworkers had to fly back tonight…something about no funding starting at midnight due to congress… (joke. we’ve all been through this exercise with before … doesn’t matter who is in charge this time around). Good thing we were 90% complete and had traveled on Sunday to get here.
Listening to music along the trail I started with various mellow playlists…the trail picturesque with covered bridges and arching green trees after all. I switched though. To keep up my speed and drive. Something a little harder. Not in a black mood. But in an understanding a black mood. The album
The Algorithm (Ultra Edition) - Filter
Which is the original album plus covers and remixes.
The first track hits hard to start. Yeah. Representing the anger and black moods.
All the Good
Rise and shine I’ma take back what's mine from you 'cause All the good in us Gets assassinated All the good in us Gets killed, no hesitation
But …. What is good in me is mine to control, not hers. I contemplate.
And then this cover surprised me the first time I played the album. A U2 cover? Did I hear that right?
A Sort of Homecoming
And you know it's time to go Through the sleet and driving snow Across the fields of mourning to a light that's in the distance. And you hunger for the time Time to heal, 'desire' time And your earth moves beneath your own dream landscape. ….. Across the fields of mourning to a light that's in the distance. Oh, don't sorrow, no don't weep For tonight at last I am coming home. I am coming home.
Home to. … myself. No wife goggles. No codependencies. No getting dragged by others emotions. For that is THEIR dream of the world. MY earth moves beneath MY own dream of the world.
-> Don’t take anything personally <- Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. [one of The Four Agreements]
And on I run/speedwalk. Listening and thinking. Ah… yes. The remix versions at the end. Yeah. Many of us LBS start here.
Obliteration (Sean Beaven Remix)
Ashes circle the drain And now it's all that's left All that's left of me Sink my teeth in the pain Watching the world go numb And I'm just one step from obliteration
I think this version has a runnable remix bass beat. Huh. I think on the muted emotions I feel listening to these lyrics. At one point I could say yeah, that IS me. And now? I UNDERSTAND the thoughts and emotions expressed. And not just intellectually. I lived them. But they don’t drive me.
I contemplate some more. … ruminating over that time does still tighten the chest and I feel slightly nauseous. Why? Perhaps lingering expectations betrayed.
I expected honesty. It turned out over the years XW had been Dishonest by hiding her feelings and issues. I expected respect. It turned out over the years XW had built Disrespect over time. I expected loyalty. It turned out XW was in an affair with a married man, with toddlers, at D20’s work…Disloyal her and him.
Betrayal changes you - bttrfly
“Have no expectations” is a common saying here. That doesn’t mean just expectations of outcomes. Don’t expect all those things that previously HAD been earned over time. This is not the same person you married.
Looks like I’m hanging out in the the “Grok” (understanding) part of my theme. Grief? Not so much anymore. Gratitude? Not really yet…though I would not give back who I am now. Patience. Perhaps I will get there like Kind18 who stopped by the forums again.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Unwanted divorce was the worst time of my life. But like you, it delivered me to a much better place. It’s hard to be bitter years later when their decision to have an affair actually did you a massive favour!
