Welcome to the boards. I am glad you made the daunting step of sharing your story and experience. I am going to copy the welcomed post at the end of this. Lots of useful links and information in there.
Just to confirm, married six years, together 13, with no kids. What are your ages? Rent, mortgage, own? House? Yard? Or apartment?
It appears you’ve read Divorce Remedy. And have been implementing DB since April. And a caution for you, do not share DR, DBing techniques, this site, and such with H. He will likely see it as you attempting to manipulate him, and he will pull back, or even run in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
During your relationship you’ve seen H going in and out of depression. By the sounds of it, a more or less constant shadow hanging over him. I’m hesitant to use “battling depression” as H’s behaviour and looking after himself suggests more just ignore and denial. No IC, no doctor, no dentist, is unfortunately rather common. People do not seem to reach out until they’ve hit bottom.
H’s alcohol and marijuana use you describe as excessive. From what you’ve shared it does sound like an addiction and/or alcoholism. As you well know, given your upbringing, that is a tough disease.
Originally Posted by jaejae
His mother passed away about 18 months ago, and this behaviour escalated to the point where he would no longer even come home right after work. He would go straight to the bars to hang out and drink.
The death of his Mom would escalate his denial and hiding of his pain. Escaping by sitting at barstool will not work. However, H will not see that right now. In fact, he’ll likely fight against such an epiphany.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I've been DBing since April. He's been staying at home since April, with a few mentions from time to time about how he needs to/wants to move out.
H moved back after his one week living with a friend. It’s pretty normal H mentioning still wanting to move out. He is confused and not facing things.
Give H lots of time and space. Lots!
Keep pressure to a minimum. And minimize R-talks.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I know it's controversial about whether you should or shouldn't sleep with your partner during this time, but our sex life has blossomed over the past several months. Quite literally never been better.
Good. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
My advice/suggest is: no cake eating. Which means, if H is having an affair, then no sex.
At the moment, it sounds like H is not embroiled in an affair. So enjoy.
Originally Posted by jaejae
He's made several mentions about how much he sees I've changed over the past several months and how amazing it's been.
Do make those positive changes - for you. That way they’ll become permanent.
Originally Posted by jaejae
He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how much he will always love me. He texts me throughout the day everyday. Yet, he still seems very much confused about what he wants. He told me again at the beginning of this week that he's planning on moving out at the end of the week.
H’s confusion is ever present.
Originally Posted by jaejse
I'm devastated, and to be totally honest kind of panicking. I feel like DBing works so much better if they are around to see the changes. I know I have to let him go to try to figure things out on his own.
Breathe.
Give H time and space.
You can only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
H is confused. And you wisely realize H needs to figure out his mess. Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
I know it’s difficult. Dial your expectations down to zero. H stated he wants to move out this week.
When you expect something unwanted, you will unknowingly obsess and give off vibes, small behaviours and mannerisms, that fertilize the very thing you do not want to occur. As difficult as it is, dial that to zero.
Having no expectations, is like most of the advice here, for you and your mental/emotional health. No expectations also gives you your best chance, by you not subconsciously pushing H more towards the door.
Time and space. Focus on you. Let H do what he is going to do. Hopefully, he remains at home.
Originally Posted by jaejae
I know he's in a fog right now though and I can't change his mind. Only he can. I'm just not sure where to go now once he moves out.
Absolutely. H is in a fog. Be kind and cordial. You don’t place boulders on his path, yet don’t pave it in gold either.
H hasn’t moved out. He might not. Or he might. You cannot control H’s choice. However, you can do for you. Speak with a lawyer.
See a L. Have a consult. This is only for information. You need not act on anything right now. However, if things go really sideways, you will be prepared. Knowledge is power. And like DB, do not tell or share that you’ve seen a L, nor what you learned, with H.
Learn your rights and responsibilities in all this. Discover the best case, worst case, and likely case if things go off the rails.
That probably sounds anti-DB. It’s not.
You are on two paths. One is emotional and healing. The other is business. Keep them separate. And when dealing with business, be business-like.
The business stuff is pretty straightforward, it’s the emotional/healing journey we will spend the bulk of our time with.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
