I've been lurking for several months, but this is the first time I'm sitting down to write out my experience. To tell you the truth, it's a little daunting but I'm hoping for some support or at the minimum a listening ear from those who can relate.
My Husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for going on 6 years. Throughout our relationship H has always battled depression off and on. He refuses to seek any type of individual counseling and has never been one to really take care of himself as far as regular doctor visits, dentist visits, etc. He has also struggled with addiction off and on. I believe him to be an alcoholic, he claims he's not. I grew up with alcoholic parents so I'm not new to addiction. Because of his excessive alcohol use and marijuana use I was hesitant to start trying for a family. He will go out with friends or coworkers and not come home when he says he's going to & then be out til 2 or 3 in the morning. & I had told him that I was scared that he would maintain the same behaviors even if we had a baby. I did not mean for that to be offensive to him, but I know that me telling him that really bothered him. His behavior would change for maybe a week, and then he would be back to the same old song and dance.
His mother passed away about 18 months ago, and this behavior escalated to the point where he would no longer even come home right after work. He would go straight to the bars to hang out and drink. In April I became so agitated that he was never home. I was taking care of all the household chores on my own and felt like he wasn't contributing at all. We shared locations on our phones with each other at the time and it all came to a head when I saw he was over at a friends' house when he told me he was just going to make a quick run to the grocery store. I immediately called him out and asked why he didn't tell me he was going to go hang out with his friend. He said we "needed to talk" when he got home. He did not come home until 1:00 in the morning, woke me up, and then proceeded to tell me that he's not happy and we need to separate and start looking at divorce. He was drunk, so admittedly I didn't believe anything he was saying, it's not like he hasn't said mean things before when he's been drinking.
Come to find out, he did mean it. He went to stay at his parent's house for the rest of that week, and then at the end of the week he came back home and stayed. When we talked, H said he didn't feel loved or supported by me. That I devoted too much time to my career and things I wanted to accomplish in life. Which is a fair statement. I think I had felt so neglected by him that I began pouring myself into other things to keep myself busy. He's upset that we don't have any children yet. We had a sexless marriage for the last several years 1) due to some past trauma I'm working through myself but 2) it's also difficult to want sex when you feel like you're constantly "mom"-ing your spouse. Sex has never been super important to me, but no matter the situation, I wish I would have realized sooner how much that hurt him and loved him in the ways he needed/wanted and not how I thought I should love him.
I've been DBing since April. He's been staying at home since April, with a few mentions from time to time about how he needs to/wants to move out. I know it's controversial about whether you should or shouldn't sleep with your partner during this time, but our sex life has blossomed over the past several months. Quite literally never been better. He's made several mentions about how much he sees I've changed over the past several months and how amazing it's been. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, how much he will always love me. He texts me throughout the day everyday. Yet, he still seems very much confused about what he wants. He told me again at the beginning of this week that he's planning on moving out at the end of the week. I'm devastated, and to be totally honest kind of panicking. I feel like DBing works so much better if they are around to see the changes. I know I have to let him go to try to figure things out on his own. But I also know the few friends and coworkers he's talked to about our situation he probably hasn't painted our relationship in the most truthful light, so even if he does miss me they are all going to be in his ear convincing him to not reach out. It just [censored]. We've had our ups and downs, but I truly love this man and want to be able to work all this out. I know he's in a fog right now though and I can't change his mind. Only he can. I'm just not sure where to go now once he moves out.
