Hi. Heres my story. May be a long read. Im 48 my wife 46. UK. Together 13 years and will have been married 10yrs this coming October 6th. We have known each other since kids as our parents were friends. I have 4 step children with my wife and 2 adult daughters myself.
For last 5 years we ran our own business. I worked hard, 7 days a week, 15 hr days to provide a good life for her and her children. Working that hard isn't healthy, but i felt trapped financially as a family of 6, rent on 4 bed house and all bills etc hasn't been cheap. The fathers of her kids have never provided a single penny for them, don't even see them so it all fell on me, and I stepped up as best I could. I gave the business up In March as I know it was becoming to much.
In April my wife started a new job. She enjoys the job, new friends, most are single or divorced etc but its a hard job, 12 hour days on her feet.
She has also said over the last 12 months a few times, that although she's mid 40's she still feels so young and not ready to be old.
On July the 12th, 2 days after her daughters 16th birthday, her youngest child, she totally blindsided me with BD. She went out the night before to our local pub to meet up with a former customer of ours (who my wife didn't really like dealing with) because she was also starting work where my wife worked so wanted to know about the job. The next morning we were sitting in the garden talking about her evening, and i just said to my wife, do you love me babe (we both often done this, was just our way, not because of insecurities or anything) and she just looked at me and said its not the same anymore! My world fell apart that moment. She said she felt neglected for the 5 years I ran our business and even though I'd given it up in March it was to late, the damage had been done. She said she wants to find her old self again and learn to love herself. I went out for the day to be on my own and get head around what was happening. When i returned home all my stuff had been packed up and she told me to leave. I couldn't has had nowhere to go. She called police on me because I wouldn't leave. They turned up but because I had done nothing wrong they couldn't make me leave. When police left she got straight on phone to someone and was proper bad mouthing me, saying nasty stuff about me all so I could hear. I just went to bed. The following day I disappeared for the day, to make things easy for her and try arrange somewhere to live. I came home in the evening and she didn't come home until gone 02:00 that night. I went downstairs when she came home and told her I'll move out in 3 days time. The reason I moved out was because she has her 4 kids D16, S18, S20 and S21 and I would not have been able to afford rent on a 4 bed house on my own.
The day I moved out she got the tattoo of my name on her arm covered over. She blocked me on all ways of contacting her. Then over next few weeks I was unblocked and blocked numerous times. She dropped some bits of mine shed found of at my mums 28th August and told me she's filed for divorce and I should have the papers soon. When we separated I asked her to hold off on divorce for at least 6 months but she seems to be rushing this as quick as she can. Its now 09 September and I've not received papers, I've also been blocked again since that day.
She is going through the menopause and is also bipolar.
In the last year she got her 1st passport, she'd never been abroad. So last September her and my mates wife had a 3 night trip to Gran Canaria. In October me and her had a week in Crete for our wedding anniversary (and we both said how good we are together still). In February I bought her the car she'd always wanted. She wanted a family holiday before her kids got to old so in April all 6 of us went to Portugal. Even for her daughters 16th birthday, she went to Majorca for the day!! All this was possible from working hard in our business. But she says she was never bothered about this, she just wanted my time. And yes, I should of given her time and presence as we were so close to one another prior to business but it trapped me and life circumstances meant it couldn't grow as we had planned so was unable to take another worker on to give us a break.
She's cut every mutual friend from social media. Basically disappeared from my life. I now know nothing about her. I sit here thinking did she ever love me, was I just an easy soft man she could use as a stepdad for her kids until they were old enough. Is she seeing someone else. Maybe she fell for someone in her new job.
Is this mid life crisis, bipolar, menopause or is it just she doesn't genuinely want me anymore. Its been 2 months since BD and I'm still struggling with it all. I'm going to the gym 3 times a week, Counselling every Tuesday. I've had 2 sessions of hypnotherapy to help with low self esteem and confidence issues. Trying to work on my own personal issues but without her by my side it seems pointless.
Obviously I was a stepdad for 13 years, and I've lost them. I've not seen them since the day I moved out and have no legal right to do so. She wont even let me see my dog. I said I'd love to have him for a few hours a week but she's controlling everything.
I should add she has been physically and verbally abusive over the 13 years. her children have witnessed it numerous times and so have my 2 daughters. Never once have I retaliated. I'm a bloke and big enough to take it. I know she doesn't mean it, its just her bipolar makes it hard for her to manage her emotions.
She has messaged my mum before the day she she said she'd filed for divorce. She said to my mother she never wanted any of this. When my mother replied we must be able to salvage this, she replied we will never be getting back together. She has now blocked my mother who my wife had said was more of a mum to her than her own mum. My mum and dad were friends with her parents so have known my wife since day she was born.
She has a history of just cutting people from her life. Her dad she went 12 years without speaking to, but is now. She cut her mother out of her life and 1 of her sisters 4 years ago. I have tried to get her to sort things with her mum over last 4 years but she refuses to. I said to her nothing can ever be resolved if you dont talk, but because she can be very nasty sometimes with her emotions and verbally, I think she's scared of confronting her mum because then her mum will see what she can be like.
There is so much more but this is me trying to keep it short. Thanks for reading.
I am sorry you are going through this. Below I’ve pasted the welcome post for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful information. Do take some time to read through it.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, do get a copy. It is a most worthy read, and what Divorce Busting is all about.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is important to realize that W is presently not on team Kevf. For the time being, the less you share with her the better.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? If not, I’d do so right quick. Moving out, signing agreements, etc. All very big life decisions that can have major repercussions. It’s best to have and follow the advice of a legal expert.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
Is she seeing someone else. Maybe she fell for someone in her new job.
Is this mid life crisis, bipolar, menopause or is it just she doesn't genuinely want me anymore. It’s been 2 months since BD and I'm still struggling with it all.
I know you are struggling, questioning W and your relationship and your history. W is spinning a narrative. It’s a perfectly normal response to question as you’ve believed and trusted W for years. Like I said, W is spinning a narrative, you know the truth.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
I'm going to the gym 3 times a week, Counselling every Tuesday. I've had 2 sessions of hypnotherapy to help with low self esteem and confidence issues. Trying to work on my own personal issues but without her by my side it seems pointless.
Time and space. W needs it. And lots of it.
Continue to focus on you. Get a life. Find hobbies and activities to stay active. The gym is an excellent activity. Counselling is also good. Working on your personal issues will always pay dividends.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
I should add she has been physically and verbally abusive over the 13 years. her children have witnessed it numerous times and so have my 2 daughters. Never once have I retaliated. I'm a bloke and big enough to take it. I know she doesn't mean it, it’s just her bipolar makes it hard for her to manage her emotions.
I get the idea of a big bloke letting her abuse bounce off you. However, abuse is not right. Period.
Yes, her bipolar condition may highjack her emotions. Hopefully she has and seeks medical advice and medication adjustments to minimize such outbursts.
Bipolar, mid life, new job, feeling old, etc. Lots of stresses W seems to be trying to ignore/deny. It’s common for a loving spouse to lash out at their partner. Blame you. Craft a story/narrative to justify their behaviour. It’s not about you!
You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
Time and space.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Will order the DR when I can, hopefully next week.
She's definitely not on team Kevf1 at the moment, hasn't been since BD day, She's completely changed her attitude towards me. I obviously didn't help things in the 1st two weeks with sending her messages, apologizing, begging and pleading etc. Done other things I'm not proud of those 1st two weeks like messaging her mum, an old friend of hers and 1 of her work colleagues who I know. None was with ulterior motives though I know was still stupid. I messaged her mum (who she hasn't spoken to for 4 yrs) just to tell her we had separated so she didn't find out through gossip or Chinese whispers. (her mum had done nothing to me so out of respect I felt I owed her that, and even she said she hoped its a phase, she doesn't understand her daughters ways a lot of the time and she thanked me for all what I done for her daughter and more so her 4 grandkids). I messaged her work colleague just to ask him to look out for her at work as she can be stubborn and will work herself to exhaustion and specifically said I don't need to know anything about her. And I messaged her old friend to say I don't know why my wife stopped seeing her and to say I wasn't stopping her, in fact I encouraged her to meet up as I like some space to myself at times.
Not spoken to a lawyer as really no need to. We only rented our house so I just moved out as didn't need a 4 bed house to myself. And I have nothing else she can have. I left her with everything in the house, just took my stuff.
She's adamant in messages she had sent to my mother that there hasn't been, there currently isn't and neither does she want anybody else. She's to busy loving herself! But I also know my wife has never liked being alone long. She messaged me 2 weeks after splitting up with her ex. I turned her down and it was 2 years later before we got together.
I'm 100% committed to giving her space. In fact I currently have no choice anyway. I do believe this is probably not something I have control over anyway and she's probably never going to engage with me and I'm expecting the block to be permanent . Anything else will be a bonus. It all just seems very final at the moment!
She's always been on meds for her bipolar but obviously her HRT may be affecting that. She is nowhere near as abusive as she was for first few years of our relationship (and it was only once or maybe twice a year) but the night I refused to initially move out she was really nasty with some of the stuff she said about me to whomever she was speaking to on the phone, and personal belittling stuff!.
I have been a lurker here for about a week so have read through a lot of other posts but thank you for the material, much appreciated.
Last edited by DnJ; 09/10/2501:45 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
I have been a lurker here for about a week so have read through a lot of other posts but thank you for the material, much appreciated.
I’m glad you signed up and shared your situation.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
Not spoken to a lawyer as really no need to. We only rented our house so I just moved out as didn't need a 4 bed house to myself. And I have nothing else she can have. I left her with everything in the house, just took my stuff.
Are you still listed on the rent? You might be responsible for half of it.
It does sound like the business side is rather straightforward. No custody issues, nor joint accounts or loans.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
I'm 100% committed to giving her space. In fact I currently have no choice anyway. I do believe this is probably not something I have control over anyway and she's probably never going to engage with me and I'm expecting the block to be permanent . Anything else will be a bonus. It all just seems very final at the moment!
You are correct about control. You only control three things: your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. You cannot control or force her to engage with you.
However, you do have influence. How you conduct yourself, how you control yourself, living/loving your life, being strong and attractive, and so forth. All that does exert an influence upon others (and yourself). Be the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
W is watching. No doubt. Whether she alters course or not, time will tell.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
She blocked me on all ways of contacting her. Then over next few weeks I was unblocked and blocked numerous times. She dropped some bits of mine shed found of at my mums 28th August and told me she's filed for divorce and I should have the papers soon. When we separated I asked her to hold off on divorce for at least 6 months but she seems to be rushing this as quick as she can. It’s now 09 September and I've not received papers, I've also been blocked again since that day.
Blocked, unblocked, then blocked again. Yep. She’ll flip and flop about. Lots of confusion within her. Going to take time and space for her to sort herself out. Let her.
During this time, your job is yourself. Living your life.
Leave the heavy-lifting of divorce to W. Don’t place and boulders in her path, yet don’t pave it gold either.
I’d not make any further requests of delays of her. You’ve already asked her to wait 6 months. I get you are hoping that within those six months she’ll wake up before she pulls the plug. Unfortunately the delay, your delay, will likely fester within her. And it will become fodder she uses to further her narrative of things.
It’s hard, yet don’t manipulate her path. Let her feel her consequences. Also, you do not want the responsibility of how her life turns out upon your head. She’s making her bed, let her lay in it.
Be kind and cordial with her, if/when she does speak with you. Be businesslike. No relationship talks. No sappy love letters. No birthday cards. No anniversary cards. No presents. And so on.
It’s counterintuitive for most folks. Do a 180. GAL. Focus on you. Perhaps she notices and becomes interested. Perhaps not. Doesn’t matter. That’s beyond your control. You are doing this for you! And giving yourself the best chance at saving your marriage.
You save yourself first. The marriage is the bonus.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It all seems so easy when written down, lol but bloody hell its hard.
I just cant stop thinking about her, wondering how her days been, is everything ok with her and her kids, how is my dog doing, its just constantly in my head.
I wonder if she's missing me or is she just living her best life and I don't even cross her mind anymore.
Then I wonder am I just trying to cling onto the slightest bit of hope. Is it really a mid life crisis. Is it that she's just snapped and is a walk away wife that can hardly ever be recovered. How much is the menopause or her bipolar affecting the situation. Its all just to confusing to me to get my head around.
All I know is that I tried my best but I see with my work why she felt neglected. I ended that in March but to be told its to late, the damage has been done just shatters me. If someone said to me the day before BD your wife is leaving you tomorrow I just wouldn't have believed them. And if they said shes going to do all what she's done since that day I would of laughed in their face and told them they really don't know my wife. Even to where she has stopped me seeing my dog, never in a million years would I have believed she is that type of person.
I wonder am I just trying to cling onto the slightest bit of hope. Is it really a mid life crisis. Is it that she's just snapped and is a walk away wife that can hardly ever be recovered. How much is the menopause or her bipolar affecting the situation. Its all just to confusing to me to get my head around.
It’s ok. Everyone requires a certain level of rationalizing and understand before they can will let go.
Is it a midlife crisis? Emotional turmoil? A walk away wife? Time will tell. However, it matters little. Your path is the same.
Being hopeful is fine. I certainly am a proponent of keeping the flickering flame of hope alive. Just do not sit. Move forward. Keep moving forward, while maintaining hope. (This is about healing. For at times, being still is moving forward.)
I get how it looks like she just snapped. That’s why it’s called bomb drop. They drop and kaboom. All quite sudden. Thing is, W has likely been quietly and secretly planning her exit in her head for quite some time.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
If someone said to me the day before BD your wife is leaving you tomorrow I just wouldn't have believed them. And if they said shes going to do all what she's done since that day I would have laughed in their face and told them they really don't know my wife. Even to where she has stopped me seeing my dog, never in a million years would I have believed she is that type of person.
I hear you man. Very much the same for me.
These hurt folks, crisis folks, become the opposite of who they were. They’ll do things they’d never have done. Their actions, behaviours, it’s all bizarrely staggering.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
I just cant stop thinking about her, wondering how her days been, is everything ok with her and her kids, how is my dog doing, its just constantly in my head.
It’s perfectly normal to have all those thoughts swirling around on loop at the beginning. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself, and it takes a little while to get there.
Focusing on you of course helps. Another great thing: Big Red Stop Sign.
When the thoughts and feelings get overwhelming, imagine a big red stop sign right in front of you. And stop. Arrest your runaway thoughts and emotions. Takes some practice, and it works.
Another tip is how one speaks and thinks. Can, can’t, will, won’t, for example. Your mind is always listening and will make your reality as you ask it to.
In the above, you can’t stop thinking about her. In truth it’s won’t not can’t.
Won’t is fine. Good even. Why? Because can’t, cannot, makes something impossible. Now I get how it all currently feels impossible, but it isn’t. Usage of won’t means letting go, detaching, and so on, is possible. It’s just going to take time.
That’s the key. Possible. Realizing things are possible. And keeping them such. How one speaks influences how one thinks. And one can inadvertently prolong their journey.
It’s perfectly ok to be thinking about her, to be thinking as you are. In fact, if you weren’t I’d be worried. Just want you to see how you can lessen it. Not so much stop it, rather find peace and acceptance. And yes, that’s bloody hard work.
The same for do vs try. Do or do not, there is no try. “Doing” adopts a mindset which has a higher rate of success. “Trying”, right out of the gate, allows, sets up one to quit or fail easier.
For today, it’s good enough to realize you won’t (right now) stop thinking about her. To realize however that it is possible to control those thoughts. And reenforce such realization with correct language/thinking. Your mind is always listening.
Tomorrow, take a wee step, utilize the stop sign and craft a moment of peace. Purposefully. Do it. Just a wee moment/step.
All journeys, regardless of how grand, all start with a small step.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thing is its like being out at sea in rough weather. 1 day the waves are high and I struggle with the thoughts and emotions, the next day (or even few hours later) I'm feeling positive and believe we will be back together.
Think what makes it difficult is I know the neglect she's felt. I worked bloody hard for the right reasons, to provide for her and her 4 kids, but I get how much that she felt alone. My love was there, but not how she wanted it and what she was used to before I started business in 2020. So I wonder is this the main driver of our situation and her MLC, bipolar and menopause are secondary to that or is the MLC the driver and she's latched onto that as the reason for how unhappy she is.
The removing of the tattoos of my name 4 days after bomb drop and deleting all our wedding photos on that day also really was a punch to the stomach! I don't think that's rational behaviour to do that so quick so may be another MLC, bipolar sign or just she's 100% made her mind up she is moving on.
She's accused me of making her out to be the bad person in this when all I've done to everybody who has asked me what's happened is that it is all my fault. I take full responsibility for working to much and her feeling neglected. She's also accused me of messaging people who I would not even speak to if I passed them in the street.
My mother was messaging her (my mother has known my wife since she was born, and my wife would say my mother is more of a mum to her than her own mum) and they got round to talking about our marriage. My mother did say to her (I wished she hadn't) that I'm working on my issues and surely we should try other avenues before divorce. My wife replied that she 'never wanted any of this to happen'. So my mother said we could build a stronger and better marriage, but my wife replied to that 'we will never be getting back together' She has also told her neighbour, who I bumped into 1 day that 'there is no future for us 2'.
All seems very final. Then I get told weird things (I think its weird), is that her profile picture on Facebook and her Instagram is a photo I took of her on our 1st wedding anniversary 9 years ago! surely if you moving on and marriage over etc you would upload a new photo showing off how happy and great you are in your new life (maybe I'm seeing to much in that though).
I know the total silence from me is a good thing, giving her space to do her thing. So being blocked shouldn't bother me, but I think because she's blocked me she's not actually seeing that I'm giving her that space. Even before she blocked me though, I only messaged her if she messaged me so she didn't need to block me.
Its just so annoying that I think I've ended up with the 'perfect' storm. MLC, bipolar, menopause and she had a reason to be unhappy anyway. So I cant sit here and know 100% what's the real reason for this.
As you’ve seen W is making less than rational decisions. She is acting upon her feelings; being emotionally driven. Removing your name from tattoos, deleting wedding pictures, yet keeping other pictures, all rather reactionary. Burning her world down. Let her feel the loss. Remain out of it. No need to further paint a target upon yourself, W is already doing that.
Time and space.
Hopefully, at some future point, W realizes “hey Kev hasn’t been bothering me and I still feel unhappy.” Then with some good fortune she goes further and “hmmm, perhaps he isn’t the cause after all.” And with some really good fortune she decides to look inward.
That is the hope. Realize the path of a crisis is long and twisted. And incredibly slow. Is she in crisis? How well will she proceed? Time will tell.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
She's accused me of making her out to be the bad person in this when all I've done to everybody who has asked me what's happened is that it is all my fault. I take full responsibility for working to much and her feeling neglected. She's also accused me of messaging people who I would not even speak to if I passed them in the street.
Only take responsibility of your part in all this. And fix it. Become better.
I’d stop feeding the gossip. By now your family and close friends know. Acquaintances and such need not know the details. “We’re separated” will suffice for those that push.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
Think what makes it difficult is I know the neglect she's felt. I worked bloody hard for the right reasons, to provide for her and her 4 kids, but I get how much that she felt alone. My love was there, but not how she wanted it and what she was used to before I started business in 2020. So I wonder is this the main driver of our situation and her MLC, bipolar and menopause are secondary to that or is the MLC the driver and she's latched onto that as the reason for how unhappy she is.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. You did the best you could with the tools you had. Did W sit down and discuss that she felt neglected? Told you what she needed or wanted? Probably not. Couples think the other should somehow just know. We cannot read minds.
An interesting read is The Five Love Languages. It will open up a world to you. How folks express their love and receive love. And lots of times those two are not the same. And the partners are not the same. For example, a hypothetical husband feels loved by physical touch and expresses his love through acts of service. The hypothetical wife expresses her love with acts of service as well, yet feels most loved with quality time. They both are showing their love yet it is not being fully received. With both not realizing (and learning) there are different dialects of love they both grow despondent and apart.
Originally Posted by Kevf1
Thing is its like being out at sea in rough weather. 1 day the waves are high and I struggle with the thoughts and emotions, the next day (or even few hours later) I'm feeling positive and believe we will be back together.
Hang in there Kev. Calm seas are coming.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
well its 27th September. 12th July she ended marriage. 28th August she told me she had filed for divorce and I have been blocked since then so no communication. I still have not received paperwork or email from HMCTS. I'm in UK and my understanding is I should of been served by now if she filed a month ago. I phoned HMCTS last Monday 22nd September and they have no record of a petition against me. Why would she torture me like this, it's been hell waiting a month to be served, wondering every day if this will be the day. Obviously I don't want a divorce, so I should try to see the positive, but I just don't understand why she'd say it if she hasn't.
Another thing. For the last month she was using a photo I took of her on our wedding anniversary 9 years ago as her social media profile picture. Yesterday she had changed it to a new photo taken recently as it shows the tattoo she had to cover over my name tattoo. She looks absolutely stunning in this photo. Its B&W and she looks so young. I'd imagine its heavily filtered as no wrinkles on her forehead or her 'crow feet' around her eyes she would often complain about. Is this part of her trying to look young and desperately cling to her youth. She's stunning naturally, used to do a bit of modelling, so she doesn't need all these filters etc. Or is she seeking validation from friends or even trying to attract someone new.
I have just re-read shock sis thread and how she explained her MLC and whilst reading it, it did put my mind at ease a bit, but now my brain on over drive again!
I'm so sorry you're having to navigate such rough waters right now. It is a terrible spot to be in, but take comfort that many of us are out here navigating rough waters too, so you're not alone.
Maybe some advice that will give you comfort is "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does." She very well may have just said she filed for divorce without actually having done so, trying to get a rise out of you. If you haven't been served then I would say that's a positive and we'll just celebrate that for now. Baby steps.
Try not to overanalyze her social media changes, I know easier said than done! But it's not going to do you any good and just overwhelm you even more trying to dig for answers. Perhaps she does feel sad and alone now, and is seeking outside validation now that she doesn't have you to provide that. Unfortunately, we can't know without her input, so try not to hold onto that.
Right now, the only thing we can do is let time run its course and try to better ourselves in the mean time.
