WAW to MLC XH bookends (it's complicated!)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Un

I’d stick to the path. Focus on you and your life. H needs to feel the loss and decide for his reasons to alter his path (ie OW).

…during the post last visit period, XH/X admitted he misses intimacy

This is a start of him feeling the loss. It is also H dropping breadcrumbs and seeing/watching you scoop them up.

Temp checks, breadcrumbs, etc. The more H sees, feels, believes, you are sitting on the shelf for him the less “reason” there is for him to alter course.

The big text from a few months ago illustrated you are waiting for him. In my opinion, that’s not the message you want to convey to foster the best chance for H to get his act together. I mean there is little reason for him to change anything.

Now don’t fret, no one thing you do, or do not do, is going to make or break this situation. There is no magic bullet here. Consistent behaviour is key.

I'm aware that detaching is crucial, but I'm worried that in my case being succinct is going to push him further and further away. My intuition is telling me to be more teasing....

Most times our intuition is not the best course. After all, intuition likely got you into this in the first place. Hence the counter-intuitiveness of it all.

That being said, do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. You are always free to attempt something. However, first ensure you consider what you are efforting to achieve, what result would be a positive step forward. If what you try works, great. If it doesn’t, do not try it again for a good long while.

Also, “but”. Most times the usage of the word “but” is one justifying doing something they know/feel is incorrect or less than optimal.

In this case, you feel continuing being succinct will push H away. Realize you do not control H, only you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. H is likely to, likely needs to, move further away before he may decide to turn back regardless.

Therefore, the best communication is where you don’t push or pull H at all. Just letting him decide, and live the consequences.

Also:

he's so deep in crisis, it depends on the emotion he's riding on at the time

Yep. Be it a phone call, a text, a plan to pick up the kids, a two day visit, etc. A MLCer’s emotional state will color their world. And their emotions can and do change all the time, and at the drop of a hat.

Besides:

Also, I had said at one point that he couldn't come up here if he was still with OW but then flip flopped on it in a support text. It seems to me I'm punishing him for my inability to accept his current sleeping arrangements.

Boundaries need to be rock solid. No flip flopping.

It’s perfectly reasonable that as long as H is involved with OW, he is not involved with you. So, no having/inviting him to come up and join you.

(By the way, that’s bargaining. The last vestiges of you trying to feel the “old” normal. Perfectly normal part of grief. Once you let go the attempts of regaining the “old” you’ll head toward depression and then acceptance.)

Realize you are not punishing H. Is it punishing to H? Perhaps. However, that’s on him. His bed. Let him lay in it. Allow him to choose a better path.

Be the lighthouse.

D