WAW to MLC XH bookends (it's complicated!)

[Unbeatab]

A few things that are bothering me.... during the post last visit period, XH/X admitted he misses intimacy (Mama G, you had asked about if I had thought about how he felt in our marriage... I'm guessing that was it). Specifically inside jokes and personal things we'd say to each other to flirt. Because of his memory/denial issues, I had texted the following a few months ago (which he of course called as soon as he could to ask me if I was ok)


"There is no one else. There never has been (OM was my midlife crisis major mistake, and lordy kharma was a bitch!), and there never will be. In my entire life, I have never met anyone like you. There is no substitute. There is no one who has even come close. I have sat by for the last 8 years listening to you go on about all the women you wanted to date and screw, and felt so ashamed and unworthy to imagine that you'd ever want me, that I gave you advise, and pushed my love for you deep down.... I've always wanted you to be happy, it's just I've always wanted you to be happy with me! After 27 years I am still in love with you... I still get all the butterflies and sexual attraction (it's funny, because if it's possible, you've continually gotten hotter over time) like I always have! However you decide when you come out of all of this, never question who my mind, body, and soul belong to! I'm yours.... I'm not trying to pressure you, I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm simply giving you the facts. Do with them what you will. I'm writing this so that you have a hard copy that you can refer to when you doubt me and my feelings."

I think I've been too focused on the sexual aspect, since OW seems to be PA only, and that had been taken away from me. I had also left a little note for him at the start of that trip that was intimate and mentioned one of our inside jokes. He gets flustered and defensive with any support messages or anything sexual, but anything that is teasing or flirty he'll slip a reference in when he talks with me.

I'm aware that detaching is crucial, but I'm worried that in my case being succinct is going to push him further and further away. My intuition is telling me to be more teasing.... I sent this text a few days ago to show I'm still here. Otherwise, I've only called him once in the last month.

M: Happy Labour Day
XH/X: Same, you doing lots of labour?
M: Sleep, wrangling the boys up to go outside and BBQ. How about you?
XH/X: Work right now, doing the local fair with someone I support
M: Nice

Do I go back to incorporating a more teasing tone when he communicates? He does, and I've just been giving flat answers. Keep in mind, he calls me around twice a week, while I don't call at all. I plan to keep not calling, but it seems if that's what was missing in R for him, shouldn't I be working on bringing that back? I hadn't been intimate like that because of the reasoning in my note above.... suggestions?

My other thing is, do I have him come up here? Last time was so wonderful, only to have him forget/deny it... he's strongly implying that he wants to come up, and I think having a day or two of happiness would be good for him. I just have to remember to enjoy it for what it is...a happy moment and nothing more. This gives him a chance to be comfortable, and maybe he shares more of what he saw wrong with us.

I also want him to ask. Do I just flat out tell him if he wants to know if he can come here, all he's got to do is ask? Communication was never our strong suite, and I've let go of my fear of being vulnerable... he's been more communicative with his insecurities, but as he's so deep in crisis, it depends on the emotion he's riding on at the time what he shares. Also, I had said at one point that he couldn't come up here if he was still with OW but then flip flopped on it in a support text. It seems to me I'm punishing him for my inability to accept his current sleeping arrangements.


With going dark on my side, it just seems to be more of what he said was missing. I'm so conflicted!!!!!