My newest fear: Being that OW has a large chunk of $$ from her deceased husband (tragically: suicide) and a botched boob job lawsuit. Broken seeks broken ? We're talking Hundreds of thousands guys. He always bragged " she pays for everything"...
I'm fearful my H may quit his job and live off her funds . She's 10 years younger, has her own severe trauma from seeing him deceased... Right now H is acquiescing to give our kid anything and everything financially, so I keep getting anxiety... That flow may stop..Trying not to fortune tell... But I have heard of capable MLC surgeons quit their job and become macrame artists ...haha ...all jokes aside...we never know one day to the next what whim he or she will flit to
I was going to suggest a reasonable number and see if he can agree on a contract...not sure he'd oblige This is only week 1 since he left...tread lightly? Be stern?
Thoughts to reinforce the need to keep providing??
Also....so much to navigate and communicate with him - lawn care, driveway issues, snow plow contract... How do I get this sorted out and not overwhelm him..
You are walking two paths: the business path and the emotional/healing path.
The business path is the financial stuff, house, assets, loans, banking, custody, etc. Relatively straightforward with laws determining rights and such. Definitely want to speak with a lawyer for information. In this arena almost everything is negotiable. Rights can be waived, deals made, values of assets determined, and so on. In my locale, only two things are not waive-able, cannot be negotiated: Child support and the government pension.
The emotional/healing path is a much longer path. Lots of DBing; figuring yourself out; letting go fear, grudges, ego, etc, finding peace, living and loving your life. This is basically a lifelong journey. Embrace it.
Some advice, keep the paths separate. When dealing with business remain businesslike.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I'm fearful my H may quit his job and live off her funds . She's 10 years younger, has her own severe trauma from seeing him deceased...
Right now H is acquiescing to give our kid anything and everything financially, so I keep getting anxiety... That flow may stop..Trying not to fortune tell... But I have heard of capable MLC surgeons quit their job and become macrame artists ...haha ...all jokes aside...we never know one day to the next what whim he or she will flit to
Fear lives in the future. It is our irrational response to an imagined possible unwanted future. Let it go. No need to go looking for troubles or worry.
Most things we fear never come to pass. And for the few that do, that fear instantly evaporates. When some unwanted future becomes reality, we then face that problem. A problem is not some imagined possible future. And a problem can be solved. Thus fear abates. And we go about resolving whatever came up.
To be clear, dangers need to be, and can be dealt with. Rational thought out risk analysis. And necessary mitigating measures taken.
Yes, it is possible that H may quit his job and sponge of OW. He may shirk his responsibilities to you and the kids. Fretting over it will only exhaust you. Let go. Rationalize it. How? Treat it for what it is: business.
Speak with a lawyer and lay it out to them. See your options and make a prepared plan incase things go sideways. Keep tabs on the accounts, credit cards, etc; and if H starts to financially waiver or go outside your parameters, take action.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I was going to suggest a reasonable number and see if he can agree on a contract...not sure he'd oblige This is only week 1 since he left...tread lightly? Be stern?
Business stuff. Be businesslike. Utilize your lawyer. Do not negotiate or agree or make deals without consulting your lawyer. And never sign anything without your L looking it over.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
He earns twice what I make; I do most parenting and finances. Recently he agreed to contribute more financially.
He already stated he would contribute more. And he is providing for the kids. This is setting precedent. Keep track of his and your contributions to joint expenses and such.
To note, lots of spouses are extra generous while in the throes of their guilt and shame. If your locale recognizes separation agreements (some locales don’t, there is only divorce) it may be an idea to consider getting a legally binding financial agreement in place while H is agreeable.
Like I said, business. Treat this like a business deal gone sideways. For that is what is it. Use an L, for they are detached and legal experts and there for you. After all, this likely the biggest financial decision of your life.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I don't have a lawyer yet. I can't afford one and don't have any ability to borrow from a bank or person. I'm representing myself pro se, so to speak. He's terrified of lawyers. Perhaps thats my advantage.
He did leave my stuff alone. I don't think he slept in the bed, I did strip it before he came. Maybe he stayed on the couch, or in his van.
Ok- after two weeks of going( mostly) dark, save for a few tantrums of my own towards him for his decision - he returned home this morning, carrying two bags of rumples clothes. Previously, he would tote neatly folded bags of clothes.
I don't know how I feel about this, because I was ready to pull the trigger and file for divorce. As much as I want to DB, I'm not sure what a path for regaining trust and reconciliation looks like. We have been NC except for communication about the child. I canceled marriage counseling( he never contacted me to ask why).
I only know he's home because I saw this morning ring camera he carrying the bags in, then my son looked after he left.
My MIL said that he did talk to a lawyer. So maybe it's a legal ploy to look good during court.
Thoughts about what to do? Continue going dark/NC?
I still have strong anger and feelings of betrayal, I'm not interested in initiating contact. As you know, he is not allowed in the marital bed.
Stick to the path. Remain kind and cordial, roommate-like. Continue being dim, keeping answers short and succinct. H needs to feel the loss. Needs to feel his consequences for his actions. Like:
Originally Posted by PamCakes
It's been a wild weekend here. He must be furious about being kicked out of the bedroom.
People need to hit rock bottom before they will change. And rock bottom takes a lot of pain/time to get to.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
My MIL said that he did talk to a lawyer. So maybe it's a legal ploy to look good during court.
Yes, that is a possibility. These folks will use and twist the legal system to their advantage.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I still have strong anger and feelings of betrayal, I'm not interested in initiating contact.
You need not initiate contact. And respond only to that which you need to.
Your feelings of anger and betrayal are perfectly normal. Anger is a stage of grief, and will last some time. Do know, the anger, hurt, pain, and such does subside. So, try not to do not act out of temporary emotions, look to a more rational thought out path.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I don't know how I feel about this, because I was ready to pull the trigger and file for divorce. As much as I want to DB, I'm not sure what a path for regaining trust and reconciliation looks like.
Was it you felt ready? (Rundown, exhausted, etc.) Or did you have a rational logical reason to pull the trigger?
Detachment is an important part of your healing and ensuring you do not enact (emotional) decisions you cannot take back.
Focus on you and your life. Heal thyself. Live thy life. Love thy life.
Let H go. Give him to the man upstairs. Let Him work on H for a while. H needs to feel his loss.
You’ve got time. You own your house. No loans. Just keep an eye on the finances for any funny business.
Regaining trust, respect, and reconciling is possible. It’s hard work. It’s going to take long term consistent demonstrated behaviour from H. Your part is being open to it. However, H first has to decide to get through this mess he is currently within. And that is going to take time. Hence, you focusing on you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
