Thank you G for opening my eyes to this. Event is on hold. My friend doesn’t know if she can afford it. We hung out earlier this weekend, so she is going to let me know. We decided either way we will do something that night.
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Rhetorical questions to help figure it out: What is under your control? (Your actions and reactions.) How can you act and react to be a lighthouse for her? How can you model how you want her to deal with it?
Be the lighthouse for her. I hadn’t thought about that other than in terms of the possible D. I realize I need to start that now in relation to school as well. I really like that. I’m really trying to think about my reactions with her. Making her do things for herself more. I didn’t have to think about that either D19, she’s so independent.
Dropped off D19 off at school yesterday. I didn’t cry until I got home and was doing her dishes she left of all things. Crazy how the mind works. I thought I’d cry in the car. Move in was so easy. So organized compared to moving in the dorms in the olden days when I was in the dorms. I’m so damn proud of her!
Still no R talk from H. I brought up an event we do every year with a huge group of friends. Tix go on sale tomorrow. Just asked him if he saw the Facebook post from our friend about it and he just says “yeah we’re going right”. I almost didn’t know what to say. Okay I’ll get tix. What is going on? Well who knows right. No expectations.
I’ve been trying to GAL like crazy which has been filling me up. Have a lot to do around the house today, but I think I’ll do my GALing first. It’s so gorgeous outside I’m off for a bike ride!
Last edited by DnJ; 09/01/2507:53 PM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
Second week of school and no R talk from H. I don’t want to ask because he’ll just say something like, I decided to stay until blah blah. Didn’t I tell you? I told you right? Will he ever grow up and take responsibility for this? It’s mind boggling!
Last week I did some shopping over lunch. I was on my way home getting off the freeway. I look across and there’s H in his car. He was coming out of one of the commuter lots. I’m like what the hell. He didn’t see me. His light turns before mine and I see him turn left then right, heading east. I was heading the other direction but I’ll admit I tried to catch up with him. He was long gone by then or had pulled into the possible OW apartment because she lives right there. In the moment I wasnt thinking and I texted him and asked him about it because he just told me that morning he was heading south for work. He said it was him. He asked why. I told him I thought it was weird because you told me you were going to see a customer. He said that he had to see another customer first and he stopped to make a call. I let it go at that because I knew he was lying. I could have said well neither of those customers are in this direction and you’re heading the wrong way. Nevermind that you never stop to take calls you always do them on the road. The timing didn’t work out either, he got home way too soon for all that driving. At least he didn’t lie about being there just why? Probably not much of a win. Why won’t he tell me what the he!! Is going on? I guess I know that but frustrating!!!!!
Working on finding a coach. Almost there. That will bring up money talks and probably R talks. Not sure how to handle it.
I am so sorry that you are still having a difficult time w/your h living at home. He will gaslight you every time you ask him questions. You have to remember...they would rather lie than be truthful and you questioning him is feeding into his excuse of being with the OW. I know you want answers, but questioning him is not going to give you those answers. Try to remember, that right now, he looks at you as an authority figure, maybe a mom and as your husband is acting out like a teenager, he's not going to tell you everything. Try to remember what teenagers do...they experiment, they keep secrets and do not always tell the truth and/or they stretch the truth.
The best thing you can do is document and listen very, very closely to what he tells you. Some of them tend to tell on themselves if we listen and do not ask questions.
No more relationship talks if at all possible. The more you question him, the more determined he will be not to share what he's doing with you.
Don't beat yourself up over this. It takes a while to get the hang of letting go and moving forward with your own life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. You are so right. I think what’s bothering me the most is the uncertainty. But I know I can’t control what he does. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. And that he acts like nothing is wrong. I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record. We haven’t had a R talk since he decided to stay for the summer. I’m just not sure how to bring up the cost of a coach? Or maybe I just go back to looking for a new IC?
You do not sound like a broken record. You are trying to figure him out and right now, you can't. His brain cells are a jumbled mess and until he settles himself down and focuses on his issues, he will be a confusing mess for you (the sane one).
The only person that you can rely on now is you. If you want to mention the cost of a coach, do it in a very casual way and see what he says. Keep in mind, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. If you need to visit a coach, then do so, but if he goes, he will take from the session what he thinks he hears and that will be it.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. As I tell my kids, I need to put on my patience hat. Lol. Coaching will be for me. Just me. He already refused counseling. I won’t bring it up again unless he tells me he’s considering it.
Hello it’s me from limboland. Had a great Saturday with H and some friends. Just like nothing is wrong. Then he disappears to play his golf game at the bar, or is he, so I went shopping.
I told H this morning I wanted to do coaching. He said no problem at all. The only question he asked me is if my stomach was still bothering me. I know tmi, let’s call it anxious stomach. I said yes. He said his too which is interesting since he told me the opposite the other day.
I wonder sometimes if he even knows what the truth is?
I so wanted to ask wth is going on. So much! But I didn’t I left it alone.
Otherwise things are normalish as usual. Just installed new internet which he took care of and in his name.
The confusion rolls on
Last edited by DnJ; 09/23/2502:46 PM. Reason: Fixed typo.
Nicely done. Very wise realizing there is no point in confronting H and inquiring as to what is going on. Continue to walk your path and live life. Glad to see you had a great Saturday. H even was part of it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am so happy to read that you had a great Saturday with your H and some friends. Sounds like people are accepting him for the way he is at the moment.
You did a great job in telling him to you want to do coaching. He didn't feel threatened and that's a step in the right direction. The anxious stomach is all about the unknown for both of you at the moment. Maybe his anxious stomach came about because he may have thought that you were going to have a relationship conversation with him.
You know what is real and what is memorex. His truth could be based on what transpired years ago. At some point, he should come full circle and be able to face all of what transpired years ago with the present. It's good that you don't challenge him.
Continue as you have been. Listen carefully to what he's saying and remember...actions speak louder than words.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
