Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

What a week! Starting last Sunday with a prep and reset of my house to get ready for three weeks away. Schedule: Monday to Colorado Springs, Wed night a redeye to home arriving Thu morning, to pack up kids and turn around Thu evening heading to CA with kids. Two weeks to spend with my family in CA!

The wall isn’t fixed yet. No time. (and I will never again look at drywall without thinking of cake frosting LOL) But, before I left, I had to “put away” all the things that had been shifted the weeks before. XW’s “stack of stuff” put back behind a couch and dog crates. Lawn done, trash out, space made for house/animal sitter, fridge cleaned out, dishes done, etc…. I’m paying one of D20s friends to house sit and take care of all the animals.

Hugs to both you and Mama G…

Hugs to you G.

Thanks to you both! As … I think we all need hugs. That physical and emotional affectionate contact can hit hard in contrast to the tearing apart and disconnection. Here in CA … seeing old friends … some from all the way back to middle school days … I received warm hugs male and female both. Love and affection. Whether it had been 1 year or 10 years or 30 years. It didn’t matter to THESE people.

I can’t imagine and I really try not to, but I think about this a lot.

Me too for a long time. Though … Recognizing this is another thing that IS NOT UNDER MY (your) CONTROL. So. To reset myself (yourself). -> What IS under my (your) control?

I’m more worried about her I think. What a way to start your senior year. With her ADHD and anxiety what could this do to her.

Rhetorical questions to help figure it out: What is under your control? (Your actions and reactions.) How can you act and react to be a lighthouse for her? How can you model how you want her to deal with it?

Just like H, her feelings and reactions are her own. Her emotions and anxiety are her own, driven by her own expectations of the world. You cannot fix it for her. You can be a solid foundation to rest on and model how she can deal with it. She will look to you for how to react.

The tower-o-stuff comment caught my eye. I didn't realize XW had left her belongs with you as well. I've considered dropping H's stuff off to him. The only reason I haven't is bc they really are out of my way and I don't give it much thought. Mind boggling how our beauties walk away from everything and anything that represents their past.

This was confusing for a long time. I eventually packed up her side of the dresser, the 3/4 of her stuff left in the closet, her journals, her pictures and knicknacks, figurines, shoes, furniture bits that were hers … and much more. The L I consulted cautioned about letting things get damaged. The courts take a dim view of that. I set myself a one year time frame to just let it be for now. Not dropping it all on the curb. Not, as I considered, dropping it all off in OM’s driveway. Just before I left for this trip to CA I received:

Are you okay with me moving out a few shelves and other items from the garage while you are in California? I have been trying to be very careful to only take what is mine or you and the kids don’t want. If yes, I will ask D20 to let house sitter know so there isn’t any alarm that I am using your absence to take off with things.

I never asked for the key back. I never made restrictions on what she could take. Or even hinted at it. I waited for HER to ask or say. Not my problem. Until I want them gone. I have some indications D18 got mad at least one time when she was taking some things…. Just before we left on this trip I was talking with D18 while moving the “tower o stuff”.

G, “after we get back I will have to rent a truck and ask your mom what day to drop off her stuff wherever she wants it.”
D18, ”I don’t think she has room Dad.”
G shrugs and sighs
D18 grumpily, ” I KNOW DAD. It’s not your problem.”

I simply replied a couple days later to XW. “Yes, the row in the garage is all yours and the stack behind the couch.”

For some time now, I've suspected that your pain and thoughts are pretty similar to mine. Sometimes even identical.

Yeah, I suspect they track pretty close. I’ve thought a lot about my reactions. Tentative conclusions trace back to MY definition of M. And MY definition of commitment. I sense yours also. To be truly committed ... better or worse … and then fractured … you will trace a similar path. I think that is where my remaining reactions come from.

Feeling blue myself today and came here for some comfort

. **Hugs** You got it. And your drink of choice today.

Not sure accepting is what you want (I know that I don't), yet accepting is something to learn and understand.

I’m doing slowly better at it. Not just for XW’s choices, but others around me as well. Such a painful way to learn. And combining with two of The Four Agreements - “do not take anything personally” and “do not make assumptions” - seems to be a good fit.

Certainly, we know that choices have consequences. What seems to hurt the most is when the consequences are felt by those who didn't make the choice.

That checks with my instinctive first reply to XW when she dropped the bomb. What was I concerned about? she asked. Our children. I said. Dad. Protective provider. Instinct.

And consequences matches with much of men’s advice communities on women who stray. Don’t take her back. Let her experience the consequences of her choices. Don’t let sweet talk, tears, or other appeals sway you. You will forever have a question in your mind about her if you do. This does align with Sandi2’s advice of don’t let a WW back easy. A WW would have to EARN it back by actions over a long time. Such is accepting the endsong.

Endsong (Orbital Remix) - The Cure & Orbital

And I'm outside in the dark staring at the blood red moon
Remembering the hopes and dreams I had and all I had to do
And wondering what became of that boy and the world he called his own
I am outside in the dark wondering how I got so old

It's all gone, it's all gone
Nothing left of all I loved
It all feels wrong

Hang in there. Our kiddos will survive and thrive. Somehow, I believe they'll be better for it in the end. Time. Time will tell.

And they ARE doing well. I don’t mean to mislead here. Though, I do vent here when I’m - feeling blue and need some comfort.

D18 now has her drivers license, got signed up for community college, and we worked through a month of effort to get a scholarship that will pay for most of the first couple years! Yay!

Now to find a car we can afford…. *sigh*

Thinking of you and wish I had words of encouraging. All I can tell you is that I understand.

Thank you, it is enough. For you start feeling so alone. Not able to lay all this very personal and parts of your core being on those around you. And here you find you are not alone. It makes a difference.

A childhood friend I reconnected with out here in CA said, ”protect your peace when you find it.” after his WAW a few years back. Peace somehow.

g

Peace Somehow - Avi Kaplan

(verse 1)

high on the mountain

deep in the trees

flow with the river

fly on the breeze

(verse 2)

spirit is calling through the wind on the pine

heal the heart, free the mind

(chorus)

sunlight peeking through the rain

take the toil and the pain

breathe in

breathe out

find the peace somehow