Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Well…what an end to the weekend. I see I still have work to do to accept that which I cannot change. To not stress about it. To vent a little here about my stress and my sadness.

Mostly it was a good weekend though. I sent off S13 and D18 with XW on a road trip she, Grandma, and Grandpa had planned. They were heading north through Georgia, Tennessee and on for a week. XW in her van and grandparents in their RV. D20 did not go. I did not ask.

“They” do it to me - I

I got many things done too. 27 Gal bins were filled with D18’s debris she had ejected from her bedroom a while back. Ikea shelving/storage units from her previous setup were put in the garage. (In theory for XW… though she has said many times she is going to take them … and no follow though. XW messaged a few weeks back, ”I’ll probably need you or D20 to help make the arrangements. I get ignored or sabotaged when I try”).

home ownership burdens - I

Tonight after doing the weekly grocery shopping together, D20 and I started on moving bookcases around to their new planned configuration… when…. Behind one that I had planned to leave in place I found a mold spot on the wall about 2 ft X 3 ft in size. $#%^#$%^$. A small spot on the floor in front seemed damp to me and smelled musty.

With the help of one of D20’s friends we inspected outside and then took a sheetrock knife to cut out the molded section. Huh. No moisture signs in the sheetrock. Only on the paint and surface. The next step will be pull off the baseboard and pull up the carpet to inspect. Ugh. I just see hours work and $$$ signs in front of my eyes.

“They” do it to me - II

With that, I called it for the night. A bowl of ice cream each (A scoop of cherry and a scoop of salted caramel pretzel. Hey, it was a BOGO sale today!) and then D20 and I off to walk the dogs. My phone rings half way thought the walk with D18 calling. I answer thinking nothing of it.

D18, ”Dad! Dad! Is D20 there? I HAVE TO TALK TO HER. SHE WASNT ANSWERING HER PHONE.”

G, ”Yes, she’s right here. We’re walking the dogs right now. I’ll put you on speaker.”

D18 crying, ”NO. I have to talk to HER.”

I hand the phone to D20 and take both dogs. I could hear D18 in tears and stress. Judging by her request for D20, this was not something for me to jump into protective DAD mode. I walked ahead … trusting in D20’s judgement. It sounded like they were discussing XW. Bits and pieces I heard:

She’s a grown woman and can make her own choices
You don’t control any of that
You can’t do anything about what she does
Just let her do it
Do you need me to come get you? (700 miles)
Go ride with Grandma and Grandpa instead
I have a relationship with her… It’s just not close

That last one… hurt to hear.

After we got home she did put the phone on speaker. With S13 on the other end also. They told us about their exciting day hiking and going in a cave with an underground waterfall. Our advice was - Go hang out with Grandpa when it is stressful. You don’t have to explain it all. Just tell him you need time away and want his company for a while. “

Later D20 volunteered:
Mom’s van door broke.
She said it was “them” who sabotaged it
She got upset when D18 didn’t believe her
She said she might leave them with Grandma and Grandpa and drive back home
She stormed off
…

home ownership burdens - II

And then I noticed the overflow pan under at the air conditioning was filling up with water. SIGH. The drain pipe is clogged again. I used the wet vac to clear the existing water. The vinegar poured down the drain pipe to help clear any growths. This may take several days of attention to clear. My fault for not cleaning it earlier on schedule. I’m tired. Of constant fixes needed. And just tired.

g

LEMONADE - Forrest Frank & The Figs

Devil thought he really got us
I guess he just forgot that
God works everything for better
No matter what the weather
He knits it all together
Cozier than a sweater
………
Lemonade
I watch my worries wash a-way, lemonade
It's gonna be okay
Life gave me some lemons
But my Jesus, He be makin' lemonade

(The track was created during Forrest Frank's recovery from a serious skateboarding injury resulting in multiple back fractures, where he channeled his emotions into music from his hospital bed. … finding hope and faith in challenging times.)

[DnJ]

Hello g

Sorry about the mold spot. It sounds like it is only surface on the wall. I hope the flooring is similar (or better ), that would make repairs much easier.

Pretty wild XW taking her van on vacation. Two vehicles when they could all fit in one. And XW’s blaming over the van door, and threatening to just leave…SMH.

Sounds like D20 gave some sage feedback to D18 regarding Mom and the stress.

Glad to hear the two kids had a fun time hiking and seeing the underground waterfall.

Hang in there g, you are doing good. Keep letting go/accept that which you cannot control/change. And dig into that which you can.

D





(Now, where am I going to find this salted caramel pretzel ice cream. Sounds delicious.)

[MamaG]

Hey G!

It's been a week since you noticed mold. Hoping that it was purely surface damage and nothing more.

I was going to post an update on my thread but chose to leave it here. It's eerie how similar my journey and your journey seem to be. Pretty consistently.

Homeownership. It is the American dream. A dream I've enjoyed. A dream I've outgrown. It can be overwhelming. Little things and big things seem to surface regularly. I, too had to fix (proudly on my own) the drip pan to the AC. It was not automatically emptying as it is set up to do. A little ChatGPT and voila, it was back in action.

Called the irrigation person (after trying), the garage door person (after trying), and plumber (after trying) in the last couple weeks. Picked up a circuit breaker that I may attempt replacing with my son this weekend. We'll see how that one goes. Hoping your newly learned skills are going better than mine are.

And then there are the adult kids. Seems yours are leaning on each other too. They're fostering a relationship that will grow. There's nothing like siblings.

Hope you had a better weekend this go around.

[grok]

Hey G!

Hey yourself! I SEE you MamaG.

It's been a week since you noticed mold. Hoping that it was purely surface damage and nothing more.

So far that is what I see. Still haven’t pulled up the carpet. Sigh. Tools on hand weren’t sufficient to remove the baseboards without damage. A stop by the store to get the right tool… but then D20 gave me the cold she brought home and I napped most of the weekend. And XW’s 5x5x8 foot tower-o-stuff I had in the corner is now piled on the other side of the living room to give working space (the rest takes a third of the garage).

I was going to post an update on my thread but chose to leave it here. It's eerie how similar my journey and your journey seem to be. Pretty consistently.

I’ve thought a lot about this … the natures of mars and venus, mid life transition becomes instead -> Crisis (MLC), trauma reaction to betrayal, sorting through what is real and what was false, and more. Upon similar inputs… the arc is … well, you see it and noted it in one of my previous posts using songs as the journey stages.

Homeownership. It is the American dream. A dream I've enjoyed. A dream I've outgrown. It can be overwhelming. Little things and big things seem to surface regularly. I, too had to fix (proudly on my own) the drip pan to the AC. It was not automatically emptying as it is set up to do. A little ChatGPT and voila, it was back in action.

Called the irrigation person (after trying), the garage door person (after trying), and plumber (after trying) in the last couple weeks. Picked up a circuit breaker that I may attempt replacing with my son this weekend. We'll see how that one goes. Hoping your newly learned skills are going better than mine are.


This was a lesson I had learned from my dad. And why previously I always had houses under 15 years old. Though here I am stuck, for most of the last 20 years, with low interest rate handcuffs and an area that ended up having very poor house value growth. Floor plan is Great though.

Careful with that circuit breaker. Live electric circuits are no joke. The replacement itself though is straightforward remove fasteners and replace fasteners.

Myself? Drywall? Ha. Yes, I could, roughly, …. but I know the skill needed to make a patch smooth and match paint. Ones I would need lost of practice to do well.

And then there are the adult kids. Seems yours are leaning on each other too. They're fostering a relationship that will grow. There's nothing like siblings.

So I have tried extra hard to foster that here. Especially over the last few years. Adult… yes sort of? D20 and friend laughed and shook their heads at me the other day. I called them “Mini - Adults”. I had to think what I meant. They can do things. They also lean on me a lot. The world is complex and it can scare them. I’ll do it with you and back you up. is my response.

Hope you had a better weekend this go around.

Thanks! The naps helped. And lemon tea with honey and bourbon. Try it and I hope it makes your weekend better too!

Now off to bed and up early. Work calls with a morning flight for a trip back to San Diego this week. Was it your S out there?

g

Continuing in a harder trend… sometimes to express the pitch darkness … but … to … feel and let go.

Grudge - Tool

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate
Desperate to control all and everything
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen

….

Give away the stone
Let the oceans take and transmutate
This cold and fated anchor
Give away the stone
Let the waters kiss and transmutate
These leaden grudges into gold

[Outro]
Let go, let go, let go, let go

[grok]

Hey DnJ,

In the air for the 5 hour non-stop to San Diego. Time available to write LOL. A SELAH.

Pretty wild XW taking her van on vacation. Two vehicles when they could all fit in one. And XW’s blaming over the van door, and threatening to just leave…SMH.

Yeah, Kind of what I thought. Accepting this is where XW is right now. I did tell a couple others as neutrally as I could … and got a “WTF is wrong with her” response. That bothered me a bit. That is not who she used to be. After thinking about it briefly I responded, ”No, I think it shows a woman who is under tremendous emotional and other stress.”. Doesn’t make it right. Or OK. But it makes her human.

Sounds like D20 gave some sage feedback to D18 regarding Mom and the stress.

Yes. And D20, in exasperation, a year and a half ago, ”Mom was the one who taught me this stuff!”

Glad to hear the two kids had a fun time hiking and seeing the underground waterfall.

From their accounts on arrival home… they did enjoy the time. Especially seeing Grandma and Grandpa. Not many comments about Mom but It seemed to go OK the rest of the trip. I’m never quite sure if they just didn’t have much to say about time with her or if they see a sad face on me and don’t bring her up….

(Now, where am I going to find this salted caramel pretzel ice cream. Sounds delicious.)

Tillamook limited edition salted caramel pretzel. And it was delicious.

D20, ”Daaaaad! It’s almost all gone! Why did you do that?”

g

SELAH - Forest Frank

Sometimes you gotta selah (selah, yeah)
Don′t speak for a minute
Close your eyes, let it be and selah (selah, yeah)
It ain't all about what you sing, it′s the moments in between
Sometimes you gotta selah

[MamaG]

So far that is what I see. Still haven’t pulled up the carpet. Sigh. Tools on hand weren’t sufficient to remove the baseboards without damage. A stop by the store to get the right tool… but then D20 gave me the cold she brought home and I napped most of the weekend. And XW’s 5x5x8 foot tower-o-stuff I had in the corner is now piled on the other side of the living room to give working space (the rest takes a third of the garage).

Hopefully you fought through that cold, especially since you were traveling. You had asked about S...S travels to Cali for work often but it's been months since he's been out that way. He's trying to cut back and send some of his people - yes, he's only closing out his 2nd year in the workforce and has people. I'm so proud of him.

The tower-o-stuff comment caught my eye. I didn't realize XW had left her belongs with you as well. I've considered dropping H's stuff off to him. The only reason I haven't is bc they really are out of my way and I don't give it much thought. Mind boggling how our beauties walk away from everything and anything that represents their past.

Myself? Drywall? Ha. Yes, I could, roughly, …. but I know the skill needed to make a patch smooth and match paint. Ones I would need lost of practice to do well.

Yes, I've attempted drywall work. plaster et all. It's like frosting a cake. lol easy peasy

MG

[grok]

Feelin' blue after I saw this on X today. It...fits with the rest I have learned about the long-term effects of divorce and what I see in my children. Though they are not out of the house, the older two are close enough.

Divorcing after your kids are out of the house doesn't lessen the pain you inflict on them.

It only changes the location and shape of the bruise.

I thought of you MamaG and your children's reactions to H's behavior.

I mitigate the best I can (be the lighthouse). I doubt myself/my efforts sometimes. I have resentment feelings and let go ... that I have to do this at all.

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

because

Four Christmases is a funny movie but a miserable future in real life.

g


Family Portrait - Pink
Pink experienced her parents divorce when she was nine

Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and it's tearin' me down
I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said

In our family portrait (in our family portrait)
We look pretty happy (we look pretty happy)
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name


Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
It was a song she wrote when she was 16 years old as a reflection of the impact on her parents' divorce when she was 6 years old

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself 'cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt
Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you

I am afraid

[bkerchik]

Hugs to both you and Mama G…I can’t imagine and I really try not to, but I think about this a lot. D19 starting her 2nd yr of college in a little over a week. D17’s senior yr. I’m more worried about her I think. What a way to start your senior year. With her ADHD and anxiety what could this do to her. I pray it doesn’t come to that.

[MamaG]

Hugs to you G. For some time now, I've suspected that your pain and thoughts are pretty similar to mine. Sometimes even identical. Feeling blue myself today and came here for some comfort - saw that Valeska had commented on my thread and continue to 'accept'. Not sure accepting is what you want (I know that I don't), yet accepting is something to learn and understand.

It truly sxcks. No doubt. Certainly, we know that choices have consequences. What seems to hurt the most is when the consequences are felt by those who didn't make the choice.

Hang in there. Our kiddos will survive and thrive. Somehow, I believe they'll be better for it in the end. Time. Time will tell.

Thinking of you and wish I had words of encouraging. All I can tell you is that I understand.

Seems as though you and I (along with many others) are writing the LBS book. Wonder what phase or chapter we're on.....

[grok]

What a week! Starting last Sunday with a prep and reset of my house to get ready for three weeks away. Schedule: Monday to Colorado Springs, Wed night a redeye to home arriving Thu morning, to pack up kids and turn around Thu evening heading to CA with kids. Two weeks to spend with my family in CA!

The wall isn’t fixed yet. No time. (and I will never again look at drywall without thinking of cake frosting LOL) But, before I left, I had to “put away” all the things that had been shifted the weeks before. XW’s “stack of stuff” put back behind a couch and dog crates. Lawn done, trash out, space made for house/animal sitter, fridge cleaned out, dishes done, etc…. I’m paying one of D20s friends to house sit and take care of all the animals.

Hugs to both you and Mama G…

Hugs to you G.

Thanks to you both! As … I think we all need hugs. That physical and emotional affectionate contact can hit hard in contrast to the tearing apart and disconnection. Here in CA … seeing old friends … some from all the way back to middle school days … I received warm hugs male and female both. Love and affection. Whether it had been 1 year or 10 years or 30 years. It didn’t matter to THESE people.

I can’t imagine and I really try not to, but I think about this a lot.

Me too for a long time. Though … Recognizing this is another thing that IS NOT UNDER MY (your) CONTROL. So. To reset myself (yourself). -> What IS under my (your) control?

I’m more worried about her I think. What a way to start your senior year. With her ADHD and anxiety what could this do to her.

Rhetorical questions to help figure it out: What is under your control? (Your actions and reactions.) How can you act and react to be a lighthouse for her? How can you model how you want her to deal with it?

Just like H, her feelings and reactions are her own. Her emotions and anxiety are her own, driven by her own expectations of the world. You cannot fix it for her. You can be a solid foundation to rest on and model how she can deal with it. She will look to you for how to react.

The tower-o-stuff comment caught my eye. I didn't realize XW had left her belongs with you as well. I've considered dropping H's stuff off to him. The only reason I haven't is bc they really are out of my way and I don't give it much thought. Mind boggling how our beauties walk away from everything and anything that represents their past.

This was confusing for a long time. I eventually packed up her side of the dresser, the 3/4 of her stuff left in the closet, her journals, her pictures and knicknacks, figurines, shoes, furniture bits that were hers … and much more. The L I consulted cautioned about letting things get damaged. The courts take a dim view of that. I set myself a one year time frame to just let it be for now. Not dropping it all on the curb. Not, as I considered, dropping it all off in OM’s driveway. Just before I left for this trip to CA I received:

Are you okay with me moving out a few shelves and other items from the garage while you are in California? I have been trying to be very careful to only take what is mine or you and the kids don’t want. If yes, I will ask D20 to let house sitter know so there isn’t any alarm that I am using your absence to take off with things.

I never asked for the key back. I never made restrictions on what she could take. Or even hinted at it. I waited for HER to ask or say. Not my problem. Until I want them gone. I have some indications D18 got mad at least one time when she was taking some things…. Just before we left on this trip I was talking with D18 while moving the “tower o stuff”.

G, “after we get back I will have to rent a truck and ask your mom what day to drop off her stuff wherever she wants it.”
D18, ”I don’t think she has room Dad.”
G shrugs and sighs
D18 grumpily, ” I KNOW DAD. It’s not your problem.”

I simply replied a couple days later to XW. “Yes, the row in the garage is all yours and the stack behind the couch.”

For some time now, I've suspected that your pain and thoughts are pretty similar to mine. Sometimes even identical.

Yeah, I suspect they track pretty close. I’ve thought a lot about my reactions. Tentative conclusions trace back to MY definition of M. And MY definition of commitment. I sense yours also. To be truly committed ... better or worse … and then fractured … you will trace a similar path. I think that is where my remaining reactions come from.

Feeling blue myself today and came here for some comfort

. **Hugs** You got it. And your drink of choice today.

Not sure accepting is what you want (I know that I don't), yet accepting is something to learn and understand.

I’m doing slowly better at it. Not just for XW’s choices, but others around me as well. Such a painful way to learn. And combining with two of The Four Agreements - “do not take anything personally” and “do not make assumptions” - seems to be a good fit.

Certainly, we know that choices have consequences. What seems to hurt the most is when the consequences are felt by those who didn't make the choice.

That checks with my instinctive first reply to XW when she dropped the bomb. What was I concerned about? she asked. Our children. I said. Dad. Protective provider. Instinct.

And consequences matches with much of men’s advice communities on women who stray. Don’t take her back. Let her experience the consequences of her choices. Don’t let sweet talk, tears, or other appeals sway you. You will forever have a question in your mind about her if you do. This does align with Sandi2’s advice of don’t let a WW back easy. A WW would have to EARN it back by actions over a long time. Such is accepting the endsong.

Endsong (Orbital Remix) - The Cure & Orbital

And I'm outside in the dark staring at the blood red moon
Remembering the hopes and dreams I had and all I had to do
And wondering what became of that boy and the world he called his own
I am outside in the dark wondering how I got so old

It's all gone, it's all gone
Nothing left of all I loved
It all feels wrong

Hang in there. Our kiddos will survive and thrive. Somehow, I believe they'll be better for it in the end. Time. Time will tell.

And they ARE doing well. I don’t mean to mislead here. Though, I do vent here when I’m - feeling blue and need some comfort.

D18 now has her drivers license, got signed up for community college, and we worked through a month of effort to get a scholarship that will pay for most of the first couple years! Yay!

Now to find a car we can afford…. *sigh*

Thinking of you and wish I had words of encouraging. All I can tell you is that I understand.

Thank you, it is enough. For you start feeling so alone. Not able to lay all this very personal and parts of your core being on those around you. And here you find you are not alone. It makes a difference.

A childhood friend I reconnected with out here in CA said, ”protect your peace when you find it.” after his WAW a few years back. Peace somehow.

g

Peace Somehow - Avi Kaplan

(verse 1)

high on the mountain

deep in the trees

flow with the river

fly on the breeze

(verse 2)

spirit is calling through the wind on the pine

heal the heart, free the mind

(chorus)

sunlight peeking through the rain

take the toil and the pain

breathe in

breathe out

find the peace somehow