Valeska, I'm accepting of many things. Accepting that he's in lala land. Accepting that he's off with someone else running a secret life without his family. Accepting that his 'happy' is still happy enough to not return to the life he once contributed to. Accepting that I make decisions that he doesn't contribute to anymore. And, accepting that I may always cover for H. I suspect that I will always have a spot for H. A spot for comfort, protection, love. He's my husband (even if by vows and paper right now) and I certainly learned that I don't own his actions regardless of how poorly I view his decisions. Albeit, decisions with a direct impact on my life. Decisions that have knocked me down. Decisions that shattered me.
Still, I afford him his mistakes and will comfort, protect and love him. While my feelings may change and 'always' may not be so eternal, 30 months in, this is how I see it. True love doesn't die and get erased. At least, I don't believe it does or should.
Will the pain ever completely go away? Probably not. Will I rest knowing this? Painfully, yes. If he served me today, I imagine there would be sadness AND a lot of relief. Fully forgiving him is still a process. Cycling continues.
Took dog2 to the ER yesterday. He had his first ever seizure in mid-July and has had several since then. Vet said that at near 13 years old, it's not shocking and speculates that he has brain cancer, likely a tumor that is contributing to his near-blindness. After talking with the S and D, they are not ready to make any decisions so we're playing it out a bit more. He still gets excited for visitors and food. Another weight for my kiddos to carry. They both came home yesterday with GF, BF and visited with Dog2. It was a day of reflection with laughs and tears.
I volunteered yesterday and this past Th. Putting my feet up today and baking cookies for niece who is also recovering. Then, I'll be getting some vacation planning done.
Grok, I made some shifts with S convos in this last visit. S is very respectful . I can also sense that he's trying to stand in for H - man of the house. I know he's not a kid by any stretch but I don't want him to step in to H's role either. In his last visit, he replaced a circuit breaker. In this visit, accepting to drive us around on vacation (he's the driver on the rental). I don't love it for him.
Today, I'm exhausted of turning lemons into lemonade. I'm going to sip coffee.
