WAW to MLC XH bookends (it's complicated!)

[Unbeatab]

It is so hard for me to detach, because XH/X had said that after I left, he felt like I treated him like someone that he used to know.

I'm not convinced that you are having a hard time detaching because H said something.

I should clarify that I've had no trouble holding firm with my detaching, I'm just having a hard time internally dealing with the emotions that come with it. I had my first grief counseling session last night, and she said the same thing the therapist said... everything comes back to him. I need to properly grieve him, and start incorporating more GAL routines and spontaneous fun... apparently working 6 days a week at my business doesn't count in that.... (I'm being facetious with that 😉).

And lastly, I'd like you to give thought to the last of the questions you answered.

Then, I ask you what you learned through your MLC? The years before your H's MLC were not wasted years. What have the years refined? What have you learned about yourself? What remains a mystery?

Through the years I learned that I had SO much to learn! The man I knew now was not the same from before... we were growing back together, then his MLC started. I have not bolted, despite my natural reaction to want to. Comparing things he's said to things OM said to me, I am certain OM was going through MLC when we got together. I was 30, he was 45....

Your response has a bit of focus on "The man I knew". What about Un and what you knew about Un?

It was kind of hidden in that answer, but I learned to not bolt at the first sign of trouble... other than that I learned to appreciate the efforts he was putting in to being a good partner. I learned to enjoy the space (physical & emotional) I had as precious, but still share it with him. I learned that I had found myself again, I just needed to adjust self expectations and learn self compassion.

The last part was HUGE for me, as the guilt I carried prevented me from expressing my needs and desires. As my one friend has put it, self awareness, self-confidence, and self care aren't an issue with me... it's self worth. I don't see myself through other people's eyes, and undervalue myself. I think I'm pretty cool and look pretty dang good for my age, but it always surprises me when I find out other people think so to.

That ties back to expressing my needs and desires... if I ask for what I need or desire, I might be surprised to find that there's someone who's able to meet them.... I may know what I'm looking for, but people aren't mind readers, and I shouldn't hesitate to ask.

What remains a mystery to me is why he has compartmentalized being a good partner to me from the sexual side of a relationship... this goes back to the start of our reconnection. He rationalizes it as not being in a relationship with either one of us, when he's realistically in one with both of us.. not me anymore, he just hasn't clued in yet despite me texting that the friendship he wants with me is what a marriage is like when the initial passion and excitement evens out, and until he realizes this, we can't be friends. Hence the bizarre touch 'n go this morning... details in separate post...