Will a glimmer of hope be a start?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pam

The recent therapy sounds like it was MC rather than an IC session. I recommend pausing/stopping MC.

For MC to be effective both parties need to be willing and invested into the partnership. H is not. He is using MC to justify his choices and decisions. Furthering his narrative. Talking himself into his perceived reality. And you are forced to listen.

You should/could continue your IC, if you find it helpful. And it’s likely a good thing H is in IC.

He [therapist] feels this is common in polyamory, Some partners just choose to invest in other relationships.

Therapist is reinforcing H’s choice.

Pam, ask yourself the hard question. What do you want in a relationship? Polyamory? Monogamy? Husband and Wife?

H says I can def see him all week, but the weekends are for him/OM and he wants to come and go as he pleases.

I am going to guess you are not in for that. You want a relationship in which you are both fully invested.

So, boundaries. Rock solid boundaries.

Realize boundaries are not a tool for behaviour modification of H. Boundaries are for you. To protect your mental and emotional health. They are a predetermined predefined rational action you will take when H is disrespectful. A simple example: “H, I am willing to converse with. However, yelling at me is disrespectful. When you yell at me I am going to hang up the phone.” And you do it! Right then and there. Rock solid. Each and every time. Letting the chip fall where they will.

And LRT. Last resort technique. MWD speaks about this in DR. Granted the criteria for when to apply this technique is based upon a traditional marriage. Polyamory muddies the water for sure. However, cheating is cheating.

Basically, H is serious about divorce. Let him feel the weight, the reality of that choice. He needs to feel the loss before he might change course. Go really dim. Only communicate about kids. No laundry. No cooking. No sleeping in the same bed. No MC.

Do be kind and cordial, like you would a cashier at the grocery store. Treat him as a roommate. Focus on you and the kids! GAL! Live like he is leaving/gone. Be the best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave.

Let go and place the ball in his court.

Maybe he notices what he is losing. Maybe he decides to change his direction. To invest.

Am I barking up the wrong tree with this DBing???????

Much like boundaries, DB is a rational thought out logical response to a gut wrenching situation. When followed, it limits emotional reactionary outbursts which are usually not helpful to one’s end goal; and efforts more purposeful actions and strategies towards one’s defined goal.

Will it save your marriage? There is no guarantee, DB is not a magic bullet. However, DB will save you, and gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday.

D