Will a glimmer of hope be a start?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pam

Also, I'd not share all those feelings with H.

MrP is spot on here.

Someone in emotional turmoil, and especially an MLCer, has their own emotions cranked to eleven. They absolutely cannot handle anyone else’s feelings; they literally do not have the bandwidth.

This is how a crisis is so very consuming. The MLCer is so deep in depression everything else, everyone else, appears to not matter. The truth is they are consumed inside their own torment and just cannot feel for others. For a long while, H’s empathy chip is going to be broken. It’s how he can ignore you or simply walk by his six year old child with only a quick “hi”.

A crisis drags the person back to their trauma. Back to that time. To how they felt. To who they were. And they need to grow up from there/then. It is quite akin to time travel.

So, H is internally thrashing about, reliving his past pains. Back in a time when he was not married, back in a time when he did not have children. Didn’t have a job, was young, no responsibilities, and so on. That’s where/when his emotions are swirling around. However, sometimes he does realize when he is; but more times he is consumed and living/reliving his past.

I know, wild. Bizarre. I saw it with my own XW. Most times she is a brash 18 year old. With pressure she devolves to a young girl of 13. With more pressure she becomes a child of around 7. Mentally. Emotionally. Wildest thing I’ve ever seen. She spoke like a seven year old. Performed math like a seven year old.

In my case, I’ve uncovered/learnt of three times of severe traumatic events in my XW’s life. Ages 7, 13, and 18. Like I said, she lives like her 18 year old self. Only a few times has she reverted back to her 50 year old self. And that lasted only around 30 seconds. She literally looked different, spoke different, was for a brief moment the loving gal I knew. Then something dark and deep rose up and dragged her back down. This was witnessed by my son and best friend. Creepy, scary, incredible, wild. It’s near indescribable.

I am amazed and humbled by the strength and fragility of the human mind.

Anyhow, I learned rather quickly to be pressure-free. Pressure just pushes them out the door faster. And in my XW’s case, twisted her up. No point adding to her torment.

MLC is often described as they become an alien, or pod person. It’s them dragged back to their youth. Imagine a hurt, lashing out teenager, with all the privileges and bank account of their older self.

Why is it recommended to refrain from explaining the reality of lawyers/ divorce mediators?
My H biggest complaint is financial motivation" what so I gotta buy you a house"- meaning where I live is a 50/50 split on marital property and funds. We own a home outright.

My theory was if he begins to see the financial impact, could a reverse course happen, or realign his expectations to wait. Time is a gift? Right? I realized I referred to it as "tying up loose ends".

I've been married to him for 13 years - when his mind is made up, it's made up. And his mind is MADE UP. I suspect it'll be soon, that he takes some action towards decoupling from a legal standpoint.

Lots of reasons. Here’s a few:

Pressure. It will backfire. A MLCer will push back against you. Doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong. They will call the sky red and no amount of talking, yelling, explaining will change their perception.

To an MLCer their spouse is enemy number one. They will balk at anything you say. They will barely follow through with what they say or agree to. The recent not watching kids and just leaving without a word for example. By the way, MLCers usually become terrible parents. Make plans and arrangements for your kids that do not rely on H.

MLCers have the memory and attention span of a gnat. Explaining the reality of divorce goes in one ear and out the other. They will not absorb it.

They are running from reality. H is living/looking to his imaged fantasy life. Unicorns and fairies. With one so enthralled reality is easily ignored.

H has made up his mind to leave. H needs to change his mind. Himself. For his reasons.

What do want? Do you really want an H to only stick around because it saves him money? You are worth better than that.

H is in crisis. And once a crisis has started it will continue until it’s over. If one actually manages to interrupt a crisis, the MLCer at some point will restart it. And the second time around it’s much worse.

Speaking about D to H reenforces, renews, his feelings and ideas towards that. If D is not your goal, don’t remind him.



Pam, the short of it is this: If you need financial protection or security then get it! Otherwise leave the heavy lifting to H.

Getting financial security and protection doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. Separate accounts, credit cards, loans, debts, investments, etc. Of course, it depends on upon your locale and how much you can actually do. Often martial assets and debts are mingled regardless if both names are actually on the paperwork. Speaking to a L will sort out your rights, responsibilities, and options.

Also- I've tried:

1)Backing the heck off. Don't talk to him. Don't react to his behaviors of- not coming home as honored to care for his child, abruptly leaving to go to OW house. Usually I would make sarcastic comments, huff and puff

2)GAL- pouring into puzzles, kids, being upbeat, purposeful

Good! Keep it up.

Focus on you and the kids. Live your life.

I really hate the strong feelings I'm having- the mood swings, vacillating between future focused and reduced to tears.

(((Hugs)))

I understand. Been there.

You will get through it. Continue to move forward. Feel those feelings. Let them wash over you.

I don't know if I want to save this marriage. It's so much work and I'm exhausted to the core.

Let the future unfurl itself on its time. You don’t need to decide right now.

Today, stand. Figure tomorrow out tomorrow.

How do I handle this? I was going to neatly fold up the blankets and put them on the kitchen table before I lock the bedroom door and go to bed.

That would get the message across.

Last night he slept on the couch. I feel bad putting him out of the bed- and wondering if that is backfiring?

My love language is physical touch, closeness. Him being in there means I can't let go. Thoughts??

H needs to feel the loss. Not in a mean vindictive way, just consequences of his choices. Laying in the bed he made.

I know you feel bad. Realize feeling are fleeting. Let them flit.

Most feelings are born in moments and will extinguish within minutes, unless they are reinforced.

DBing is quite counterintuitive at first. It will feel wrong. It will run counter to how you feel you should handle things. Look to logic and reason for decisions and course.

You are correct, having H laying in your bed will hamper detachment and letting go. No cake eating. Stay the course.

I wish I knew what was going on in his brain?

It’s a bag of crazed cats.

I get it, everyone requires a certain level of rationalizing before they can/will let go. Be careful, you don’t want to dig too deep into H’s mind, you’ll go bonkers.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

D