I’m a 42-year-old woman, married for 12 years to my 46-year-old husband, and we’re on the brink of divorce. After two years of marriage counseling, my husband recently told me—just days after my father’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis—that he doesn’t know how to be an adult, bottles up emotions, wants to be “free” and happy, has had multiple side relationships (we’ve practiced non-monogamy), and now feels a deep bond with his current partner. He’s unwilling to work on the marriage, fears us returning to “old behavior,” dislikes family life, resents my boundaries about other partners, and refuses to pause non-monogamy. He admits having other partners makes him feel desired, as well as an escape from all the chaos that is going on in ours and our relationship decline.
He also disclosed I once walked in on him during a suicide attempt but wouldn’t elaborate. I believe it happened this past Easter when he seemed extremely detached and I noticed what looked like a thick rope in his tool room days after- which he did brush off as work related.
The last 4–5 years have been filled with conflict and crises—strained communication, my teen’s eating disorder, his conflicts with my kids, my severe postpartum depression, COVID, a house fire, job changes, resurfacing childhood trauma for him, a hostile neighbor, and my ADHD/anxiety.
My therapist says he is probably lumping me in when the chaos. His complaints about me: carelessness, pessimism, “nagging” check-ins, lack of appreciation, crumbs in bed (I stopped), and treating him “like a dog” (no examples given). I’ve considered divorce but hesitate unless there’s gambling, abuse, or addiction. He earns twice what I make; I do most parenting and finances. Recently he agreed to contribute more financially.
He’s attached to our house but wants a trial separation of us to all pack up and leave him be- and vague parenting time for our six year old (“I’ll see her whenever I can”). I believe he’s clinically depressed. He’s in individual therapy focused on finding his voice, not his childhood trauma.
I’ve stepped back—shorter texts, no pestering, focusing on my own life (three jobs to cover expenses, gym when possible). I haven’t told him I’m consulting a divorce financial analyst. I’m trying to stay optimistic, even about my father’s prognosis, but I know I can’t fix him. When I showed optimism about that, he looked surprised.
He was a bit silly today, which I haven't seen in a long time. He briefly chuckled about something yesterday. Is it related to my attempts to back off? Cordial in the face of divorce?
My backup plan is to get a small piece of land and put a small modular home on it. Either way, I believe most marriage problems are solvable, no matter how bleak. I’d love him to find a glimmer of hope in us, somehow, some way. I don't know if he's gonna change his mind - he's a pretty stubborn guy, once his mind is made up - it's made up.
Last edited by DnJ; 08/08/2503:54 PM. Reason: Added a few line breaks for ease of reading.
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Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He cooked chicken a few days ago- he hasn't been cooking or offering. I came home and asked if it was for just him or the family. He sighed and stomped his foot and responded "yes Cakes, it's for everyone". Oof.
I did say "the chicken was delicious", afterwards. He didn't respond.
Yesterday my only discussion were purely instrumental to parenting.
This morning, he said "you off today?". I said "no, I'm wfh". He promptly left until Sunday
After his announcement of splitting up, we did a family thing with the kiddo.
I usually "plan" a family oriented activity. Do I actually check in, or just invite? Or stay quiet? This is where I get kinda confused on how to approach our usual activities.
Welcome to the board. I am sorry you are going through this situation.
There has certainly been plenty of stress and chaos within your lives over this past few years. And your father's recent diagnosis of cancer just added more to the pile. My prayers to your Dad and a hopefully speedy recovery.
Have you read Michele's book Divorce Remedy? It is a trove of helpful information.
Something to keep in mind, and I very much agree with:
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
DBing, this site, books, your efforts, etc. do not tell or share with H. He will work against it. Why?
H is troubled. He is looking around his life and is disappointed. He has admitted he doesn’t know how to be an adult, bottles up emotions, wants to be “free” and happy. H has had/tried multiple side relationships, and these have not "fixed" things either. He even admitted getting to the point to considering suicide. These are the signs of emotional turmoil or a midlife crisis.
These emotionally trouble people struggle for years. Silently. In the shadows. Wearing a mask. Unable to sort out their emotional mess. They've look around blamed all kinds of things - works, kids, cars, dog, neighbors, and so on. Then one day they have a wild and very incorrect epiphany - it's you, it's their spouse. They look at their life and blame the loving LBS, the one who has been there, because the LBS has been there during all of it. It must be the LBS' fault.
This is the flawed thinking. They cannot look at themselves. They really cannot. Such is a troubled and emotional mind. Full of narratives and false justifications. And usually towards you, the spouse. Realize, very very few people are the villain in their own story.
Of course, the true cause is within himself. His complaints and criticisms are deflections of looking within. Projections upon you. Realize a person so in turmoil cannot handle self reflection or blame. Usually, this present day emotional turmoil is caused from long ago childhood trauma(s) coming to the surface. Things that happened from a person in a position of authority over the child.
H, as a lad, had no or very little coping mechanism and thus buried this trauma. Things buried alive will come back to haunt.
Here is the thing. H doesn't know this. He really doesn't. Whatever long ago trauma is buried so deep, is so forgotten, and is so denied. For that was his only strategy and mechanism he had back then, or his psyche would have shattered.
What uncovers these long ago trauma is midlife. The time when mortality starts knocking, family responsibilities, work responsibilities, sicknesses, weddings, deaths, births - all are triggers for stirring up that which was sleeping. These feelings/torments are foreign, unrecognized, unknown, have no known origin, and are ceaseless.
A MLCer is consumed by their torment.
Is H in crisis or more a really rough emotional patch? Time will tell.
Either way, H has focused and placed blame on you.
Time and space. Give H both. Lots of it!
The idea here is to let H feel what he needs to feel AND for you to not be around or embroiled in anything with him. If your lucky, H will someday look around and think "Hey, PamCakes hasn't been bothering me for quite sometime and I am still upset. Hmmm, maybe its not her fault. Maybe it's me.". With even more good luck, H would then start to look inward and start dealing with his mess.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I know I can’t fix him.
Correct! You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Time and space.
Be kind and cordial. Roommate like. Keep yourself out of his targets. No point painting a target on yourself, H is doing that himself.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
I’ve stepped back—shorter texts, no pestering, focusing on my own life (three jobs to cover expenses, gym when possible).
Yes. This is very good. Focus on you and the kids.
H's path is going take a while. He is on his timeline. And you cannot speed it up. In fact, any attempt to do so will slow things down, and worse case derail him to a stop. MLC is glacially slow.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
He’s unwilling to work on the marriage, fears us returning to “old behavior,” dislikes family life, resents my boundaries about other partners, and refuses to pause non-monogamy. He admits having other partners makes him feel desired, as well as an escape from all the chaos that is going on in ours and our relationship decline.
Non-monogamy. Did you agree to it? How long? The entire relationship?
Your present day boundary for other partners is going to be a tough sell. When did you place the boundary? How are you enacting it? As in, when you do X, I will do Y. (You can only control you not H.)
By the sounds of things, H is wrapped up in infatuation. An affair. It's staggering how common affairs are in these situations. Yes, there was non-monogamy; however, from my understanding of these type of relationship arrangements, the marriage is to be the primary relationship and outside stuff is suppose to be by open consensual agreement (which includes you). With H continuing without your consent is an affair. And I'd be careful, you don't need any STD or some such.
The common advice in an affair is to not allow cake eating. No sex. The cheating partner cannot have their cake and eat it too.
To be blunt, non-monogamy is not my thing. Marriages will have problems, and no relationship, no problem gets better by adding a third (or more) person into the mix.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
He’s attached to our house but wants a trial separation of us to all pack up and leave him be- and vague parenting time for our six year old (“I’ll see her whenever I can”).
Nope! Do not pack up and leave the house. Far reaching ramifications both legal and relationship when you do that. You and kids stay, if H wants to leave he can!
I'd consider a step further. Kick him out of the master bedroom. You stay where you are, he sleeps in the spare room or couch.
Look, H wants out of the marriage. He needs to feel what that's like. H needs to feel the loss before he might turn around.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
My backup plan is to get a small piece of land and put a small modular home on it.
Do you own your house? Mortgage? Rent? (By the way, you don't have to answer anything you don't feel comfortable answering).
Speak to a lawyer. This is only for information. Learning your rights and what your entitled to and what you can do.
One of the things you can do (ensure your L approves, different locales have different rules), is open an account in your name and move half the money. Get separate credit cards. Ensure you are only paying for your and family expenses, not expenses related to H's other life and activities.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
Either way, I believe most marriage problems are solvable, no matter how bleak. I’d love him to find a glimmer of hope in us, somehow, some way. I don't know if he's gonna change his mind - he's a pretty stubborn guy, once his mind is made up - it's made up.
Yes, problems are solvable.
Focus on you. Find things to do. Restart those old hobbies you used to do. Start a new one. Take a cooking class. Go for walks. Etc.
Detachment. It is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Let go or be dragged.
This is going to take time.
Remember, time is a gift. Use it wisely.
I look forward to conversing with you.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 08/08/2505:51 PM. Reason: Added a sentence for clarity.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I usually "plan" a family oriented activity. Do I actually check in, or just invite? Or stay quiet? This is where I get kinda confused on how to approach our usual activities.
Continue to plan family activities for you and the kids. Invite H to join. If he doesn't join, no big deal, do it without him.
That's the key: You are doing the activity regardless of H's participation or not. It's on him. His choice, his consequences.
Note, you need not invite him to everything. For example, you and the kids start to play crazy eights. H walks by and see it, and asks to join. Sure, deal him in.
If you are taking the kids somewhere though, I'd likely let him know and in that an invitation is extended.
P - Hey H, the kids and I are going to park to play on the swings.
H - Ok. Have fun.
Hope that makes sense.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The ring camera showed he left yesterday with a bag of clothes.
He hasn't come home. Hasn't texted. I haven't either.
He agreed to be home by 5pm tonight to watch our kid so I could go to my 3rd job, but never showed up. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him. Luckily, my oldest daughter stayed home.
I got Chinese food for me and the kids. Roblox with the 6 year old. Saturday night in. No plans. It's 10pm. Maybe I'll challenge my kid to a game of gin rummy.
He came home Sunday, offering no explanations or apologies for not honoring his commitment from Saturday. He did say hi and I smiled and said hi back. I didn't engage further with him.
Yesterday I texted him re: help paying for school supplies. He said ok. We didn't talk after. I made an oopsie while he was out- went in his computer. He asked why someone was on it while he was gone, and accused me of trying to make an account- not true. He was sullen yesterday.
Today I came in and he didn't say hi. I didn't either. It feels like stonewalling?
Today anger is showing up. It's hurting me to the core. So I did a puzzle, in the kitchen. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. Only went in the kitchen after I tucked myself in bed. It seems counterintuitive,all this silence and ignoring I'm doing.. but I don't have the wherewithal to have any discussions right now.
Im scared of the future. We have therapy on Saturday ( if he shows). I'm also curious how to address when the therapist asks how I feel.
I feel hurt to the core, betrayed, and disdain. I feel like I need to share these things, but will they be helpful?
The ring camera showed he left yesterday with a bag of clothes.
My XW messaged me one evening declaring she was staying at a local campground now. I didn’t ask her to leave. I didn’t pressure her to leave. I did tell her it was not OK to be in our home AND accepting attentions from OM.
Originally Posted by PamCakes
He hasn't come home. Hasn't texted. I haven't either.
He agreed to be home by 5pm tonight to watch our kid so I could go to my 3rd job, but never showed up. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him. Luckily, my oldest daughter stayed home.
-> Have no expectations.
This is repeated around here. It has multiple dimensions. For all the old rules. The expectations we had of each other. The covert contracts. Our patterns. All shattered.
Restart from Zero.
Don’t expect an outcome. Don’t expect previous behaviors Don’t expect reliability Don’t expect truth Don’t expect ….
It may be intentional on their part. It may be unintentional from whatever their pressured and disturbed mental and emotional state is. You might not be able to tell or ever know.
Where does that leave you? Accept what IS right now. Accept it IS a great loss. Plan your life for you and child. - If he does something good, appreciate it. - If not, you didn’t expect anything anyway. - If he exhibits bad behavior, consider a boundary (not to punish, but to protect yourself).
Become/rebuild to be the woman only a fool would leave.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Grok, I really hate the strong feelings I'm having- the mood swings, vacillating between future focused and reduced to tears.
I don't know if I want to save this marriage. It's so much work and I'm exhausted to the core.
He keeps ignoring my request for him to relocate to the couch. Just as a OW is his escape( his words, not mine) my bedroom is my safe space and I want him out. I have my own sexual needs to attend to and his presence is not welcome. How do I handle this? I was going to neatly fold up the blankets and put them on the kitchen table before I lock the bedroom door and go to bed. Maybe it's me exerting my need for control.
Last edited by PamCakes; 08/13/2502:49 PM. Reason: Include responders name
We've been non- monogamous our entire relationship, but transition to polyamory has not gone well for me(my words), and admittedly for him either( his words, not mine).
Our home is owned free and clear. No mortgage, liens or loans.
He's refusing to go to the couch. Last night I reminded him, my wishes. He said " I can't sleep in here anymore". I said no Then I did something that probably backfired and took care of my own sexual needs while he lied there. I am a high libido woman and he knows this. Perhaps this approach was not helpful. We haven't spoken in days, and today I stupidly butt - dialed. My life is a comedy of errors.
Last edited by PamCakes; 08/13/2502:51 PM. Reason: Grammar
