Will a glimmer of hope be a start?

[DnJ]

Good Morning PamCakes

Welcome to the board. I am sorry you are going through this situation.

There has certainly been plenty of stress and chaos within your lives over this past few years. And your father's recent diagnosis of cancer just added more to the pile. My prayers to your Dad and a hopefully speedy recovery.

Have you read Michele's book Divorce Remedy? It is a trove of helpful information.

Something to keep in mind, and I very much agree with:

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

DBing, this site, books, your efforts, etc. do not tell or share with H. He will work against it. Why?

H is troubled. He is looking around his life and is disappointed. He has admitted he doesn’t know how to be an adult, bottles up emotions, wants to be “free” and happy. H has had/tried multiple side relationships, and these have not "fixed" things either. He even admitted getting to the point to considering suicide. These are the signs of emotional turmoil or a midlife crisis.

These emotionally trouble people struggle for years. Silently. In the shadows. Wearing a mask. Unable to sort out their emotional mess. They've look around blamed all kinds of things - works, kids, cars, dog, neighbors, and so on. Then one day they have a wild and very incorrect epiphany - it's you, it's their spouse. They look at their life and blame the loving LBS, the one who has been there, because the LBS has been there during all of it. It must be the LBS' fault.

This is the flawed thinking. They cannot look at themselves. They really cannot. Such is a troubled and emotional mind. Full of narratives and false justifications. And usually towards you, the spouse. Realize, very very few people are the villain in their own story.

Of course, the true cause is within himself. His complaints and criticisms are deflections of looking within. Projections upon you. Realize a person so in turmoil cannot handle self reflection or blame. Usually, this present day emotional turmoil is caused from long ago childhood trauma(s) coming to the surface. Things that happened from a person in a position of authority over the child.

H, as a lad, had no or very little coping mechanism and thus buried this trauma. Things buried alive will come back to haunt.

Here is the thing. H doesn't know this. He really doesn't. Whatever long ago trauma is buried so deep, is so forgotten, and is so denied. For that was his only strategy and mechanism he had back then, or his psyche would have shattered.

What uncovers these long ago trauma is midlife. The time when mortality starts knocking, family responsibilities, work responsibilities, sicknesses, weddings, deaths, births - all are triggers for stirring up that which was sleeping. These feelings/torments are foreign, unrecognized, unknown, have no known origin, and are ceaseless.

A MLCer is consumed by their torment.

Is H in crisis or more a really rough emotional patch? Time will tell.

Either way, H has focused and placed blame on you.

Time and space. Give H both. Lots of it!

The idea here is to let H feel what he needs to feel AND for you to not be around or embroiled in anything with him. If your lucky, H will someday look around and think "Hey, PamCakes hasn't been bothering me for quite sometime and I am still upset. Hmmm, maybe its not her fault. Maybe it's me.". With even more good luck, H would then start to look inward and start dealing with his mess.

I know I can’t fix him.

Correct! You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him.

Time and space.

Be kind and cordial. Roommate like. Keep yourself out of his targets. No point painting a target on yourself, H is doing that himself.

I’ve stepped back—shorter texts, no pestering, focusing on my own life (three jobs to cover expenses, gym when possible).

Yes. This is very good. Focus on you and the kids.

H's path is going take a while. He is on his timeline. And you cannot speed it up. In fact, any attempt to do so will slow things down, and worse case derail him to a stop. MLC is glacially slow.

He’s unwilling to work on the marriage, fears us returning to “old behavior,” dislikes family life, resents my boundaries about other partners, and refuses to pause non-monogamy. He admits having other partners makes him feel desired, as well as an escape from all the chaos that is going on in ours and our relationship decline.

Non-monogamy. Did you agree to it? How long? The entire relationship?

Your present day boundary for other partners is going to be a tough sell. When did you place the boundary? How are you enacting it? As in, when you do X, I will do Y. (You can only control you not H.)

By the sounds of things, H is wrapped up in infatuation. An affair. It's staggering how common affairs are in these situations. Yes, there was non-monogamy; however, from my understanding of these type of relationship arrangements, the marriage is to be the primary relationship and outside stuff is suppose to be by open consensual agreement (which includes you). With H continuing without your consent is an affair. And I'd be careful, you don't need any STD or some such.

The common advice in an affair is to not allow cake eating. No sex. The cheating partner cannot have their cake and eat it too.

To be blunt, non-monogamy is not my thing. Marriages will have problems, and no relationship, no problem gets better by adding a third (or more) person into the mix.

He’s attached to our house but wants a trial separation of us to all pack up and leave him be- and vague parenting time for our six year old (“I’ll see her whenever I can”).

Nope! Do not pack up and leave the house. Far reaching ramifications both legal and relationship when you do that. You and kids stay, if H wants to leave he can!

I'd consider a step further. Kick him out of the master bedroom. You stay where you are, he sleeps in the spare room or couch.

Look, H wants out of the marriage. He needs to feel what that's like. H needs to feel the loss before he might turn around.

My backup plan is to get a small piece of land and put a small modular home on it.

Do you own your house? Mortgage? Rent? (By the way, you don't have to answer anything you don't feel comfortable answering).

Speak to a lawyer. This is only for information. Learning your rights and what your entitled to and what you can do.

One of the things you can do (ensure your L approves, different locales have different rules), is open an account in your name and move half the money. Get separate credit cards. Ensure you are only paying for your and family expenses, not expenses related to H's other life and activities.

Either way, I believe most marriage problems are solvable, no matter how bleak. I’d love him to find a glimmer of hope in us, somehow, some way. I don't know if he's gonna change his mind - he's a pretty stubborn guy, once his mind is made up - it's made up.

Yes, problems are solvable.

Focus on you. Find things to do. Restart those old hobbies you used to do. Start a new one. Take a cooking class. Go for walks. Etc.

Detachment. It is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Let go or be dragged.

This is going to take time.

Remember, time is a gift. Use it wisely.

I look forward to conversing with you.

D