Still surviving

[Surv2ve]

Ten Years Later: The Long Road of MLC and the Beauty of a Repaired Marriage

It's been a long time. The first time I posted here, the pain of my husband's midlife crisis (MLC) was a raw, open wound. I was desperately seeking stories of hope, of couples who made it through the fire, and of the promise that the "baking" process, as Michelle Weiner's Divorce Busting and this forum call it, really did lead to something better.

Well, ten years on, and I'm popping in to update my story. And the truth is, I still don't have all the answers. My husband is, as we say, still in the oven. But he's a much better human than he was, and our marriage is richer, deeper, and more intimate than I ever imagined possible.

The Long and Winding Road

The journey was anything but a straight line. I often reflect on the early years, when we were locked in a pattern of anxious-avoidant attachment. I would chase, he would run. I was in a state of desperation and need, and he was completely detached, trying to escape a life he claimed to have never wanted. Said he never loved me, that I trapped him.

But as I look back, I see the seeds of our current connection in those difficult days. And when he lambasted me with my nonsense and I took deep breaths and validated him instead of defending, he kept talking…. Nonsense that it was but with seeds of truth always.

A key concept from the MLC forums that I held onto was the idea of not giving the MLC spouse any reason to be angry with you. It was incredibly difficult to practice, but it was also incredibly freeing. By removing myself as the source of his misery, he was forced to confront the true source: himself. It was a painful realization for him, but it was a crucial step on his journey toward healing. I remember so many moments where I witnessed his ahas…. And, all the time, I had to be his therapist without asking for the same emotional care in return (and I'm actually a therapist so I knew how to do that).

Another piece of advice that saved me was to "go live your best life." In the midst of the chaos, I focused on my own growth and happiness. I reconnected with friends, rediscovered old hobbies, and even joined a roller derby league. These were not just distractions; they were a lifeline. They reminded me that my worth was not tied to his actions or our marriage. Our marriage crumbling had no more to do with me than him and I was determined to out last it.

A Lighthouse of Growth

I did my work. I became a lighthouse of growth, a beacon of stability in the storm. I learned to love myself my more genuinely, to understand my own needs, and to accept that my worth was my own. This was a concept I had to learn on my own, as no one else could give it to me. And eventually, he did his work too.
The man who once seemed to have no self-awareness now shocks me with his ability to respond with empathy and repair moments of conflict. The "old guy" still shows up sometimes, but it's 10% of the time now, not 80%. He sleeps beside me, tells me he loves me, and we have a deep intimacy that was not there in our before MLC marriage.

He has never offered a meaningful apology for the "bomb drop" days, those terrible early moments of MLC. He doesn't even remember them clearly. But he has shown accountability in other ways. He follows through on his promises, and I see the love and appreciation in his eyes. I think he still holds tremendous shame for that time and, if he ever manages to forgive himself, I might get more. But I have to accept I may never even though I still want it.

The Big Picture

I've often wondered if I should have left. If I had, I might be deeply in love with someone new. But there is a beauty in this journey, in the growth that we've both experienced. We have come to understand why we fit together, why we were destined for this journey from the moment we met. We chose each other and we chose the MLC-LBS journey at the same moment.

And we have forgiven each other—he for having no other way to cope, and me for not knowing then what I know now about the way he still struggles to claim his own needs and I have to make way more space for him to do so.

We have children who don't have to live in separate homes, and we have a shared history that has been transformed by our journey. I don't know if I would stay if I could go back and do it all over again, but I do know that this is a journey we were always meant to be on. If I hadn't found this guy, I would have just married another future MLC’er.

To those of you who are just starting out on this difficult path, know this: It will get better. You will grow. It will hurt, and you will hate it, but you will be okay. Love yourself as deeply as you can, because your self-worth is your own.

So, to my past self, and to all of you out there, I would say this: "Leave or stay, but it will be fine either way. It's going to be rough, but you are going to grow. Your self-worth does not depend on this MLC. Your needs matter, and you better get to tending to them and to building your own sanctuary. It's not fair and you can do this. You're stronger than you know.”

Best of luck, friends. I might pop in again in a couple of years.