I am grateful for insight from my virtual friends on this site. Somehow you validate me, remind me of what's important and give direction. And here I am for more.

Yesterday, H text the kids - first outreach from him since Pii day in March. H sent a very cold and unemotional text to inform the kids that his father (my FIL) was in the hospital because he had a stroke. While the kids didn't respond to him via text, they jumped in the car and straight to the hospital they went. I then get a call from them.

Kids: Mom, dad is here. He didn't visit papa last time at the hospital so we were hoping he wouldn't be here. His truck is here. What do we do?
M: Ok. So now you know. Have you thought about what you'll do? say?
Kids: We've been thinking about that for the last couple hours but we didn't think he'd be here.

We ran through some options and then I suggested they sit in the car for a few minutes until they knew what would make them comfortable.

M: You don't have to greet him. You can greet him. You can nod. Or you can just be there for papa. Hold papa's hand. Comfort papa. Love on him. That's why you're there - for papa.
Kids: Ya, we'll sit and think it through before going in.

Three hours later, with so much relief, they called on their way out.

Kids: You're never going to believe what dad's new thing is now.
M: What do you mean?
Kids: Tattoos, piercings, Duck Dynasty...and guess what now?
M: He's polishing his toe nails. In black polish!
Kids: Ok. Sounds like he's still looking for himself. Hope he enjoyed his first pedicure.

We laughed. Then they told me that they didn't talk to dad nor make any eye contact with him. They sounded proud. I just uttered, "OK, sounds like you had a nice visit with papa though." They confirmed.

Kids: Mom, dad is so selfish. He sat in a chair the whole time while we stood for hours. He never asked anything about us. He just doesn't have any interest in us at all.
M: You know dad is in crisis. He's only thinking of himself right now. Dad loves you both very much but he doesn't know how to get through the shame and guilt.
D: He doesn't even know I moved. He learned today though.
M: He knew you moved. He can track your phone and I'm pretty sure he does. Men in crisis are very curious about their lives.
D: I guess. Well, he learned a bit more about us and he didn't seem to care that he's missing out.


What else can I say to them? Should I give advice? I don't know what to ever say or not say. They continue to struggle. They're hurting so much.

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Over the last month, my kids have been processing the news. D was home more than usual with all the moving in and out so we were able to connect more. We periodically talked about H, as we always had. She isn't at peace but has accepted that dad is absent and is acting cowardly. She is also the one who has done more sharing of her feelings over the last 2 years. S is struggling and I find out tonight from D just how much he's struggling. Thankfully, he is open enough to talk with his sister. Love that for them.

S wants to talk to H. He wants to hear it from his dad. He wants confirmation that he strayed. D told S that dad will lie and won't confess. Wise. S agreed and is still feeling the need to talk to dad.

S also told D that he's not talking to me as much because I remind him of dad and he doesn't want to think about dad. Hmmm. Certainly I had noticed that S calls fewer times. S told her, I know I'm being avoidant and I don't want to be. I know it's unhealthy, but it's hard to talk with mom now.

Ok - this is good. S has awareness. Admitting to the problem is step 1.

What are your suggestions? S may never tell me he's struggling. What can I do? I can't let him know that D told me. Yet, I want to help him open up. You know I've been struggling here and I'm still here. I know I can't make S speak. Do I apply the same DB skills? Give space? Let him come to me? Listen when/if he does.

And, any idea why he's struggling to talk to me?

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D shares her own feelings and then asks to change the subject. Doesn't want to talk about it for long. Her approach is to say it out loud and drop it. I'm thinking I need to be a better listener....

D: Dad isn't dad. He doesn't show up like a dad. He's just not who I remember.
Me: What do you mean?
D: He's just not interested in us. Not curious about anything. Asks us no questions.
Me: He's selfish right now. Remember?
D: I know. It's just that I've moved and he didn't care to ask any questions. Auntie was asking and he was just listening intently.
Me: Dad knows you moved.
D: Well, ... I don't want to talk about it anymore.

And so the dance continues. Half conversations. Again, do I say too much? Is it me? Is it how she processes?


His fairies and unicorns are hurting my cubs and I feel helpless.