Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, Kinda quiet around here.

I have a few hours this Friday afternoon … where not much is going to get done for work until Monday … after an off-site working day of strategy discussions with new bosses … and XW is in my home with S13 … peaceful and quiet work spaces here to think and write.

So, I think I left off with I was going to need advice. I think I should have written stuff down sooner to remember more detail … and I have been meaning to summarize other XW interactions over the last few months to give context. Oh well. As Caligirl said to me, “don’t worry, the world keeps turning.”

Back on about a month ago on a Sunday evening I was in the kitchen working about three dishes simultaneously. D20 was out for the day with friends so D18 and I were preparing ready meals this week. Tunes grooving, I had just gotten things set for the next 20 minutes or so, when XW comes through the front door and over to the kitchen. I think to myself this is unusual.

XW, “G, can we talk for a few minutes?”
G, “Yes. Wait though.”

I check all my ongoing efforts. Decide they are all fine for 15 minutes or so.

Emotional appeal stage setting

I walk out the front door and she follows. I wasn’t going to have discussions in D13 or D18’s earshot.

G, “What’s going on?”
XW, “Well,... You know I've been trying to be responsible and work hard at S13's schooling. I started sending the weekly spreadsheet to you and D20 of topics accomplished each day of the week. It's to be accountable. I had been listening to a talk by a lady on the topic and she was talking about taking it serious just like you would a job you are paid for."

G earnestly, "Yes. I am glad to see the topics get covered. I did read your messages on what you planned for him and why. I had seen the same things you did." (several page long texts a month apart)

Appeal 1: See! I'm being responsible.

XW, "And it takes lots of time. I've been doing odd jobs between that and my second masters and trying to be an entrepreuer setting up my craft business. I've been doing lots of things wrong ... most things at first ... but I figure it out eventually! I know it's loosing a lot of money trying to be an enteprenure but even if it doesn't You know this has been my dream even before we met right?"

G gently, "Yes XW. I remember. all the way back."

Appeal 2: Have empathy and support for MY dream, the one you supported before...(over 20 years she accumulated ~$25k of supplies)

XW, "I have a spending problem. I've ... recognized that lately. We had this issue where I did this and you .... um, kind of the opposite. I keep taking out of fund XX to carry through a difficult month where I don't have many odd jobs. or pulling from fund YY temporarily. but I never end up refilling those funds. I'm going to send the $ZZ,ZZZ back to my parents and ask them to just send me $Z,ZZZ each month so I don't have it available. Ugh...that will be a fun conversation."

G, ... just a listening attentive sympathetic face. I mean, what do I say that is not accusatory? It has really become clear she is poor with money time horizons further out than two weeks or so.

Appeal #3: I'm admiting a fault and sort of appologizing for straining finances. You should feel good about me.

the ask

XW, "This is all making it hard to see how I can continue to educate S13. I don't have enough income. Would you be willing to maybe consider me like a governess or tutor for him? I mean I know I'm his mom ... but ... some sort of stipend or something. I treat it like a job. Without something I think we'll have to start looking at schools for him."

G, "XW, ... this is the reason why I agreed to alimony for 18 months in the first place. That is what it was for ... through D18 being on her own. You sent some of the payments back and asked me to apply it the debt on your minvan. I did so. There are four payments left. Right now I am going to leave it at that."

The Ask: pay me or S13 gets it. He's the "hostage puppy." NO mention of prioritizing him.

A little more small talk and then I said I have food cooking I have to get back to now, closing the conversation. There were three or four other emotion based appeals woven in the conversation, though these are the bigger ones.

feels

Yeah, after walking away back to food prep...the Feelings looped back through muted versions of all that has come before. Unbecoming.

I didn't have to decide right then. So I didn't.

Inital internal reaction was WTF and No and XW, You put Yourself in this situation.

Then I though to reframe.

For ME and S13. The only thing out of all that for ME ... is how do I want S13's school life to go? and what am I willing to do or pay to get it? I don't know the right answer right now. Another curveball.

g

Unbecoming - STARSET

And all that I was
I've left behind me

Eyes in the dead still water
Tried but it pushed back harder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming
Knives in the backs of martyrs
Lives in the burning fodder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming

Now, I await
This metamorphosis
All that is left is the change
Selfish fate
I think you made me this
Under the water, I wait