A few weeks ago I did a thing. The details don’t matter, but let’s just say I did something stupid, was completely my fault, but really was an accident. I won’t be using much of one of my fingers all summer. When it happened I told D19 that she needed to take me to the ER. H doesn’t do well with anything hospital related. I didn’t want him passing out and wasn’t sure I wanted him there. H insisted on taking me. I said no D19 will take me and again he insisted. So I let him. He kept me from going into shock on the way there. Lying there all I could think about was why the h was he even there or cared. I even told him he could leave. He told me I was being silly he wasn’t leaving.
He asked the next week what he could do to help. I told him. He’s helped a few times but mostly I get tired of waiting for him to do it and take care of it myself. Maybe that’s on me. Not sure. I have a hard time asking for help. D’s have been amazing and help whenever I ask.
Father’s Day was good. D’s were surprised I didn’t get H a card or something. I told them well I made our big breakfast. I thought H would disappear again like he usually does on Sundays but he actually wanted to hang out with D’s and I. Just like old times. D19 has really been calling him out about never being home…at least once a week it comes up.
This injury has really set me back. Two steps forward, three back. I know I can get back there I just feel like I’m starting over.
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
I sprung that dinner on him. Texted him on my way that I was going. Wasn’t going to tell him but wanted to be the better person. The next day I did a lot of cleaning so I showered late in the day. He asked if I was going out. I said I had no plans right then. He said oh I thought you would since you just showered. What? I swear some of him questions are getting weirder.
I still don’t know what we are doing for the 4th. Vacation or not. I’m not bringing this one up, it’s on him. I did find a place for the dog just in case. I mentioned that we were invited to a friends house if we didn’t go. That was a few weeks ago and he just said he didn’t know yet. This has also been dependent on his dad’s health which we just found out is fine now.
He keeps asking if I’ll be able to swim when we go on out big vacation. I told him I’d figure something out. His parents will be around for that one too. I don’t even know how I would act around them. Normal. Try not to cry.
Anyway. I’m trying to get back to that better place I was. Calm confident kind. But short on details and things he doesn’t need to know about.
Sorry to hear about your hand. Hopefully your injured finger heals quickly.
It is interesting how H took you to the hospital and remained there with you. Another insight into the duality (or more) and confusion he is living.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
Good questions, and good answers. “I don’t know” is a good honest answer. Until you really face something like betrayal due to an affair, you don’t know what you’d do. And even then, it takes lots of time to find your path.
Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself grace. It’s perfectly ok to be uncertain to such, especially while they are still rather theoretical and/or unconfirmed.
Yes, the old status quo will not be resumed. You know, and see this.
I hope your week goes well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well I’m doing kind of better. Between my finger and everything else I still kind of lose it sometimes. My finger is healing well and it’s not quite as bad as I thought it was. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. It’s crazy how this has set my confidence back.
Not going anywhere for the 4th which is fine. I feel like we would kind of be imposing on my in laws because of FILs health. Still planning the trip at the end of the month. H will be going with the girls, the plan is for me to go but who knows if that will change. H’s whole family will be there. I’m think he likes that since he can get away from me. But who knows. My MIL and I very close. We usually end up taking walks a lot in the morning. Spend a lot of time talking. I keep thinking, how in the he$$ I’m going to do this without losing it. This could be my last trip to my happy place. The place that h and have gone to even before we were married. In-laws have a condo there and we rent a cabin on the lake. The place that my kids turn down other vacations for. So many memories there. And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Otherwise status quo. Had a lot of fun with d17 and h Saturday night. H decided to play songs from our college days and we all hung out and sang and laughed. Even d17 said she has a really good time. He said bye babe as he left the other day which I’m trying to not read too much into. I slip like that every once in awhile. But he has been very careful not to so I was shocked. But again trying not to read into it.
You are correct, it’s wild what will affect one’s confidence during these situations. Believe me, the shifting between confident and questioning is perfectly normal, and temporary. Such shifting, and the emotional being dragged around, fades and confident normality does return.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Tell them, “I remained home this year” or “H and I remained home this year”. No need to go into further details. Just a simple factual answer.
It’s ok to cry. Some advice. Schedule it. You scheduling a time, and place, a when and where to allow yourself to feel and explore helps with your emotions not building to the point of bubbling out during inopportune times. A scheduled periodic “forced” reflection also fosters uncoupling and detaching from triggering stimuli; as well as fosters healing, after all you have to work through your emotions, nice to do so on your choosing.
Scheduling has a start time and an end time. Perhaps getting up ten minutes earlier. There is that fleeting moment when you awake, while you still do not realize, are not aware, of the situation. Then it all comes back.
So, after that reality return, set a timer for five minutes, and sit on the side of the bed. Cry, think, whatever. Just let your thoughts and feelings kind of go. Once the timer goes off, the five minutes are up, wipe your eyes and go about your day.
At the beginning, several scheduled times are likely required. Morning, coffee break(s), and an evening one. Slowly you’ll “need” less, and you’ll remove a scheduled time, and/or shorten the time. Eventually getting to just one five minutes a day, to three minutes a day, to one minute, to none.
That’s scheduled times. You will get to when you can go about your day without any scheduled times. Sure, there will still be the odd moment or event that brings up something, yet it will be far less debilitating. A lot less having to finding a place to cry and let it out.
In the interim, schedule a safe convenient time and place to feel what you have to feel. It’s emptying your emotional bucket before it overfills. Eventually that stream will become but a trickle or drip, and filling takes a lot longer.
Get a nice card for BIL’s 25th. I suspect you’ll likely be involved or present in their celebrating. A hug and congratulations.
Hang in there bk.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just got home from dinner with D19. So awesome! And she even asked me to go! I love that girl so much!
The 4th was fun. Hung out with the gang and watched fireworks from one of their backyards. Caught H staring at me again. It was just like old times. Then he goes to a concert with the possible OT the next night. They were given tixs, or were they. Made me sad.
But that same day we were having morning coffee and he asked me if there were anything things that needed to be done around the house that he could help with. I almost fell over, I didn’t even know what to say. Just dumbfounded. I couldn’t think of anything to tell him although there are SO many things! So today I asked him if he could take on getting rid of some of the old furniture in the house we need to get rid of and he said okay! We’ll see what happens typically he won’t follow through on stuff like that. Trust that he will and don’t bring it up again?
One week until we leave for vacation. I’m starting to stress because usually I’ve got a lot more put together than I do right now. I’ve decided I’m going to just go and suck up as much fun and awesomeness as I can. If H’s B and SIL are a pain I’m just going to let it slide. Although I know H will complain to me about it. I just need to keep telling myself this and make it happen.
I had an interesting chat with the nurse practitioner that I have been seeing and she’s prescribed me meds to help me sleep. Had a follow up and she asked me how things were going, as she’s knows what’s going on. She asked how IT was going and I said well she listens. She’s like well I don’t know much about this stuff but it sounds like you need more of a coach to help you navigate this. So I’m going to look into that. Does this group still do that or any recommendations? She also told me to message her anytime I needed to, even to vent. So sweet.
I’m also reading the Empowered Wife. Anyone have a take on that book and its ideas?
Thursday of vacation and it’s been awesome. Been trying to give myself the appropriate places to cry but now that we are starting to do some lasts for me it’s getting harder and harder. Kids have been talking about all the generations that will come here and I’m so glad they will still have that but it makes me so sad as well. Going to try to stay positive and make the most of every moment. When we leave I’ll have all three kids in the car with me ( d19’s boyfriend is with us) I just pray I don’t lose it.
Treasure those memories for they will help you along the way. Your vacation sounds like it went well and everyone had a good time. I know that it has been difficult for you and crying is a way to heal and also you are crying for things that have been lost along the way. There is no way to know what the future may hold for you and your family...but I do know this...you are a very strong person to have gone on this trip and put on a good game face the entire time. That strength will see you through this ordeal.
Stay positive and enjoy each and every moment. Try to remember this, the past is gone, the future is not ours to predict, but the present is a gift, a gift of time and a gift to help us dig deeper within ourselves to do the things that we must do in order to live each and every day.
Stay strong, cry when you need to cry and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You are right where you need to be at this time. Travel safely back home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you! I feel like God is as blessing me today. I always go out paddle boarding first thing in the morning and I saw a family of four deer and so many other animals. Then later we saw an eagle swoop down and catch a fish. God is good. I hope tomorrow ends okay. Lots of hidden tears today.
Back from vacation, which was great, and reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. I find myself wanting to apologize but I know that’s not right. I want to scream, why won’t you talk to me about this. No R talk since May. He doesn’t bring it up and just pretends nothing is wrong. Summer is almost over and I feel like I’m on the clock again. Is he looking at apartments again? When does he plan on telling the kids? Right before d(19) leaves for school and d(17) starts her Senior year? What if summer goes by and he doesn’t say anything. He’s talking about things going on in September like it’ll be the same! It’s driving me crazy. Sorry i know I can’t control what he does and I need to stay in my lane. Just need to vent.
If you think all of this is driving you crazy, just think what is going on in his brain. You are the sane one at the moment and his emotions and the wiring in his brain is misfiring all over the place. He's not going to talk to you about the situation unless you push him and then he'll start up that nonsense of leaving home and finding an apartment. As long as he feels comfortable at home and is not pressured to shape up and get it together, he will stay. I've seen a lot of them like this and it about drives the spouse/partner absolutely nuts. The only thing you can do is go somewhere and scream as loud as you can. Take a walk, do something that is really physical that requires your strength and full attention, find a pillow and beat the living daylights out of it.
I honestly don't think he even knows what he wants to do at this point, but I can assure you, if you push for answers, he will threaten to leave again.
I know this is driving you nuts. I went through this for about 18 months and when I finally opened the door and told him that he could leave, he sat on the couch and cried and admitted he didn't know what he wanted to do...but three weeks later he left and never returned.
If you really and truly want him to leave, start pushing. If you don't want him to leave, you will need to find a way to channel your frustration into something else.
Breathe!!!!!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
