Two months have passed in limbo. Not much has changed with the marriage but a lot has changed in me.
Only one notable talk since, I've been flexing my new communication skills a bit, I asked W how she was feeling and got some insights. 'Its over. Disappointed. Sorry'. I brushed over the 'sorry' and asked more about the disappointment. Found a Black Swan in that she doesn't feel a legal claim over our house due to the way I inherited it, I have yet to confirm this, as I think once I go down the road of legal advice that will be the real beginning of the end. She mentioned about the house being where she gave birth (internal conflict). She said what comes next will be difficult. I said that its not what I want but that she deserves to be happy.
She said she has seen my changes. 'Like you've had a personality transplant'. 'I hope the next person gets the best of you'. I haven't had a transplant but I have been finding those parts of me that were hidden or suppressed and have been letting them out, integrating them. I told her I started making changes thinking it would bring us closer but realised I needed to do it for myself, which is the truth. I thanked her for opening up.
I'm really living life at the moment but trying hard to balance it with being present at home.
Father's day was interesting, wife took a few days away as I was heading away on a work trip after. The kids and I had a fun morning, we made a nice breakfast. W wanted to wait until she got back to do gifts so we did wait. She arrived just as I needed to leave. The gifts were nice. Just as I was hugging the kids to say goodbye oldest boy said to W 'are you not hugging daddy?' She came over and put a hand on my back - the first touch initiated by her in over half a year.
In the last while I took wife, kids, MiL out to dinner. Wife sat pretty much turned away from me the whole time, conversation was very scarce with her. I talked more to kids and MiL. and then when I do get an answer to a question it is usually negative. Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
I've set myself a deadline for when I will start to bring this to an end. It made me much happier to know that all this isn't forever.
Glad to hear the last two months have been productive for you. Well done!
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
W will see things through her own lens. And yes, most times she will tint everything with a negative hue. Remember, she is feeding her narrative, her vision and reasons. Let it be, and don’t take the bait.
You see the conflict within her. Let her feel it. Do not assuage it for her. Also do not amplify it on her. Validate when/if she shares or brings something up, otherwise let her walk her path and work her way through her maze of feelings.
You, continue to focus on you and the kids. Being the best you and Dad, you can be. Being a lighthouse. Maybe, hopefully, W steers away from the rocks.
Hope your week is going well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So another conversation from W. She is now talking about letting her dad know her situation. Says she cant change her feelings. I ask how is she feeling and then she opens the flood gates... I wont list it all but some of the key points...
Still a lot of regrets about different aspects of our lives together or differents points where her life could have taken a different turn. About how she couldn't get through to me emotionally and that it wasn't her fault. Can't say she has a lot of regrets because we got our kids. Was never fully into me but more interested in our house project. The last few years together weren't fake. About a time I didn't say the right thing that hurt her. Regrets hurting me and bringing us to the situation we are in now. About how she is exhausted thinking about where to live but it will be as close as possible to our current home. About how she appreciates my patience in allowing her to live here.
I listened, mirrored, validated and didn't defend. Thanked her for the talk then went back to my house projects. The conflict in her is obvious. As are a few cracks in her emotional walls. When she talked about finding somewhere to live I told her she'd handle it fine. I know she would.
I'm done. I had set a deadline that I haven't reached yet but I've just naturally hit a point where I feel I've given as much as I can and it doesn't make a difference. Things have been getting worse.
W has taken off her ring, our shared calendar is full of her nights out and weekends away. More energy into going out than following through on moving out. It's obvious now that the breadcrumbs and threats are just a way to control me into allowing her to keep her relatively easy life while she acts single and explores the idea of other men.
It seems obvious she just wants "new". and I'm just the same old me, albeit I'm more integrated and mature and yet free and fun than ever. She knows this but it still isn't enough.
I've had a bit of legal advice. I've a fair idea of what is involved. Wife seems ready to talk next steps...
I'm done. I had set a deadline that I haven't reached yet but I've just naturally hit a point where I feel I've given as much as I can and it doesn't make a difference. Things have been getting worse.
Limbo is hard. Focus on you. GAL.
Indifference is strange. One's feelings become muted, one becomes numb to what was so painful before.
Indifference is also temporary. It will unwind.
During this time, other feelings will loom larger than they truly are, against the void of once was. Use the numbness to dig deep into yourself. Find peace. Find your path.
I empathize with you feeling you've reached your point. Perhaps you have. It's the "but" though. You are justifying this choice before the deadline is here. So, have you actually reached your point, or just feel like you are.
"It doesn't make a difference." Nothing you do matters, and yet everything you does. There are differences/changes within you because of your journey and choices. There are changes within W as well, be them much hidden.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I've had a bit of legal advice. I've a fair idea of what is involved.
Good. Information is power. It's wise to understand one's position and options.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Wife seems ready to talk next steps...
I'd let her do the heavy-lifting.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I'm now the WAS.
Decision based upon emotions almost always lead to regret. Ensure life altering choices have roots in rationale and deeply held beliefs.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W wanted to talk next steps but I let her stew for a few days. Then she came and said her piece. She viewed a house but can't afford the mortgage because of our childcare costs. She wants us to mediate to get a financial settlement. She seems in such a rush. Why accommodate her?
My solicitor is just waiting for me to send a text and then the divorce letter will go out. We could then mediate to negotiate finances and what happens with the kids. Where I live we would then be separated for 2 years before divorce is finalised (assuming we both agreed). I could also take a different approach and divorce her immediately based on unreasonable behaviour (making it her fault). But this might mean court and higher cost and drama.
The frustrating thing is she then cancelled a night out she had planned and instead put some energy into family stuff for the kids. Still just breadcrumbs but it shows she does respond to what I do and say.
