It sounds like H’s divorce proposal was straightforward. I hope you had a trusted lawyer look it over.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He also said that if I met someone else he wouldn't be mad unless he was an A-hole and that of course he would say something.
In my humble opinion H STBXH, doesn’t have that right privilege. He can keep all comments to himself. Consequence of divorce.
Maybe I’m wrong, though to me it looks like H is playing on your feelings and trying to string you along. However, you know your situation best.
Anyhow, you are correct. A lot can happen in 6 months. Focus on today and deal with what’s in front of you. Leave the unknown and unwritten future to the future.
Have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yesterday he told me that he felt like he was leading me on again after I cried after sex the night before. I said I was having hope because he had told me we were more than just friends, and he said he didn't remember saying that. That crushed me. Then he backtracked and said maybe he said that because he will do more for me than he would for any other friend, but we're not husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend.
I think I just caught him off guard with my changes and he wasn't expecting that. He sounds conflicted and looks conflicted. Everything is better now, our communication, our sex life, how we both act towards each other not snapping at each other. He's asked many times, "why now"? Today I said that it was a wake up call for me. He said it was a wake up call for him to ask for a divorce when he felt like he wasn't being heard all these years. Divorce papers were notarized today but to me that's just a piece of paper. The way he's treating me and acting towards me, comforting me when I cry and being intimate with me says differently, even if he doesn't want to admit it and says it's just sex and not making love.
He mentioned taking what we have learned into new relationships. Not now, in the distant future. That gives me time to keep doing what I'm doing. It took a lot of time for him to resent me. He's noticed the changes and likes them. I told him I don't expect him to change his mind in less than two months, but this is me moving forward and I want to have the best relationship I can with him. If it feels good, do it, and if/when you're ready for us to be a couple just tell me. I just asked him to be careful with his words. I can't imagine any future girlfriend being cool with our living arrangement first of all, and why would he go looking for someone else when he's getting all he needs here? It's not just physical, it's emotional too.
He said he didn't know what the future holds and didn't dismiss that something between us might change for him. I get that he needs time, and I'm going to be there for him. He says he needs to start doing things for himself, that he's always thinking about other people. I said there was nothing wrong with that and I will be there to support him along the way. He thanked me for that.
JoJo12, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I wish I hadn't been given a reason to search for a forum like this one but am certainly glad I found it. Albeit, I found this site a year after my first bomb drop and 5 months after the second bomb drop. Everything hit the fan at the second bomb drop.
I stop in to share with you that I could've written your last entry 1.5 months after BD2. I was certain that I could sway H. After all, we were different than other couples. We led a fairytale life. Kids moved to universities and we now had the run of the house. Minimal bills. No one to interrupt us. No kids to shuffle around. Life could slow down and it would be just us.
Despite living exactly what you described in the last entry, H moved out at 2.5 months post BD2. I was crushed. H was trying. I was doing all I could. We both seemed to be making amends. I learned later that H was conflicted and some force kept pulling him away. H fought. Some days he won and some days...well, temptation won. H shared with me one night as I held him tight, "It's like a switch flipped and I don't know how to flip it back. I'm trying and can't seem to flip it. I'm drowning in these waves." As I tried to physically pull away to get a drink of water, H pulled me in tighter and begged me to not let him go. Still, H moved out...down the street.
Remain hopeful. All the while realizing that there is little (or nothing) we can do. H is an adult and will make his own choices. H is on a journey. Live your journey.
One of many comments shared by this group is to drop the rope. It took me a LONG time to understand this. Well, mostly to embrace this. It still takes deliberate thought and decisioning to not rescue H in the few times we interact.
We understand and send you encouragement. Keep posting. You are stronger than you know AND I encourage you to continue following guidance given here. Veterans continue to help me on my journey and I'm so thankful.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. There are no plans for him to move out. We put it in the contract that the mortgage will be paid for 50/50. He couldn't afford his own place AND pay the mortgage, rent is way too high here. He's focused on learning two languages right now and plans to go to engineering school in Mexico. We're in San Diego, close to the border, so he would be coming back and forth if he decided to stay there for the week to be close to the school. He also still has his business here and he's going to have to keep working. Somehow he thought that I was going to hold him back from doing that, when I've never told him what to do. I have been nothing but supportive, even though I hesitate sometimes when he throws me curveballs like "I wanna move to Thailand or Japan", like who wouldn't have questions? Yesterday I told him that it sounds like he's going to have a grueling schedule and to let me know if he needed help with anything, that I'm here for him. He appreciated that.
Our relationship is still going great. He seemed sad and confused last Sunday. I asked him if everything was ok and he said, "yes, I guess." It's the same thing since I made my 180. He likes the new me but doesn't want to lead me on and is confused and conflicted. Part of him wants to stay and enjoy this, I'm sure, and the other wants to follow through with the divorce to not feel trapped again, even though there's no immediate plans to stop acting like a couple, even though he says we're not. I just need to give him time to realize that this is the new me and she's not going anywhere, and that seeing his positive response to her, makes it so much easier to keep up, so it's not like I'm doing something I cannot sustain.
I am sorry. Has the paperwork been sent in? Finalized?
While STBXH (or XH) bounces around, flipping and flopping, do keep moving forward. Live your life. Continue your progress and growth. His confusion, that fog, is going to take quite a while to lift. If it ever does. Or if he will admit it. They do tend to dig themselves into a hole. Don’t you get mired in the bog with him.
There are many aspects of Divorce Busting. Saving yourself is one of the top tenets. It sounds like you are placing your oxygen mask on and looking after your interests. Continue to heal and grow and lead your life, allowing XH to catch up if/when he chooses to.
Remember he is like a timid squirrel and will run from suddenness, too much pressure, etc. For a while he will be “running from” things. When one is healed and is at peace with their demons they can/will “run towards” something/someone. That’s a big difference.
It’s the same for the LBS. Is one moving forward towards their headings because they aspire to be, or is it more to get away from. Be it pain, hurt, whatever.
Of course, this is not a switch. It’s nebulous. Both running to and running from are both in play for a time. Slowly the balance shifts, and the majority reason shifts. Therefore, it’s good idea to every once in a while to purposefully sit and consider one’s headings. Limits walking in circles. Sitting still is still moving forward.
The quickest way through the bog is a straight line. When one finds their life’s headings, their aspirations, and then journeys towards those; I found to be rather effective. One might spend more time, well invest more time within the crucible; which in the long run will be worth it.
Keep focusing on you. You’re doing fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yeah we had to have the papers notarized and I'm assuming he sent them in. He can't even give me a final divorce date. I asked him for it at the UPS store and he asked why I wanted to know. Uh, isn't it important to know when I'm going to lose all my benefits? I haven't brought it back up because I don't want to talk about divorce stuff, and I'm estimating we still have about 5 months before it's final, so I'm going to give it some more time for him to hopefully change his mind and not need to give me that date. Same for the will and trust we need to get done to leave the house to each other in case something happens to either of us post divorce. He hasn't made a move on that either, I'm hoping it's because he sees us staying married. It benefits him as well after all, having the property go to him instead of my family.
I looked online and there's a court hearing set for August 19th I think. Not sure what for or if it can push the final date further out. Last time I got divorced we went to this "fast divorce" place and signed everything and 6 months later I was a free woman. It was all in the paperwork. He wasn't giving me anything and I just wanted to be away from him so that was just fine with me.
Home life is still going great. We do thoughtful things for each other and spend time together when we're not working or studying. No arguments, great sex, no fights over money now that I'm getting more hours at work and making more. I did run into a snag with them not giving me consistent hours though since I've only been working 8 hours a week due to a work injury 10 years ago. I'm going down to the union office tomorrow to file a grievance. They're required to give me at least 24 a week per the union agreement and to qualify for benefits. I hope it goes well. I need this job. I have no backup plan and I have to show him that I can take care of myself financially.
You're doing great. Regardless of what happens. You are getting your life in order and being a great version of yourself. Fight for those hours, you deserve it.
Thanks. They didn't like that I filed the grievance so they started giving me the worst hours during the days I'm not available. Typical and why I didn't want to open that can of worms again. I've also been applying for other jobs with no luck. I ended up getting a doctor's note with scheduling restrictions, dropped it off Thursday. We'll see. They should respect it since I have multiple medical conditions. I'm jut hoping I will be able to do the job without pain. Stress isn't helping. I've been battling a pinched nerve or something on my neck for the past month, sending shooting pains and muscle spasms down my arm.
Me stressing about work isn't helping the relationship either. I can see how he's trying to avoid the topic but has been able to comfort me a couple times when I told him I didn't want to disappoint him if I didn't get this squared away. He said I won't disappoint him and everything will be ok. He sees that I'm trying I guess. I just wish the stress of the divorce wasn't on top of it. He ended up moving to another room the night of my birthday. To get better sleep he said, but man, what perfect timing. That's when his new mattress and bedding got delivered. Everything else is normal, even though he refused me birthday sex. He had a busy day, but still. I was in agony on his birthday and didn't turn him down.
