A few weeks ago I did a thing. The details don’t matter, but let’s just say I did something stupid, was completely my fault, but really was an accident. I won’t be using much of one of my fingers all summer. When it happened I told D19 that she needed to take me to the ER. H doesn’t do well with anything hospital related. I didn’t want him passing out and wasn’t sure I wanted him there. H insisted on taking me. I said no D19 will take me and again he insisted. So I let him. He kept me from going into shock on the way there. Lying there all I could think about was why the h was he even there or cared. I even told him he could leave. He told me I was being silly he wasn’t leaving.
He asked the next week what he could do to help. I told him. He’s helped a few times but mostly I get tired of waiting for him to do it and take care of it myself. Maybe that’s on me. Not sure. I have a hard time asking for help. D’s have been amazing and help whenever I ask.
Father’s Day was good. D’s were surprised I didn’t get H a card or something. I told them well I made our big breakfast. I thought H would disappear again like he usually does on Sundays but he actually wanted to hang out with D’s and I. Just like old times. D19 has really been calling him out about never being home…at least once a week it comes up.
This injury has really set me back. Two steps forward, three back. I know I can get back there I just feel like I’m starting over.
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
I sprung that dinner on him. Texted him on my way that I was going. Wasn’t going to tell him but wanted to be the better person. The next day I did a lot of cleaning so I showered late in the day. He asked if I was going out. I said I had no plans right then. He said oh I thought you would since you just showered. What? I swear some of him questions are getting weirder.
I still don’t know what we are doing for the 4th. Vacation or not. I’m not bringing this one up, it’s on him. I did find a place for the dog just in case. I mentioned that we were invited to a friends house if we didn’t go. That was a few weeks ago and he just said he didn’t know yet. This has also been dependent on his dad’s health which we just found out is fine now.
He keeps asking if I’ll be able to swim when we go on out big vacation. I told him I’d figure something out. His parents will be around for that one too. I don’t even know how I would act around them. Normal. Try not to cry.
Anyway. I’m trying to get back to that better place I was. Calm confident kind. But short on details and things he doesn’t need to know about.
