Attend your nephew’s graduation. Nephew dropped off a ticket, and asked you, wants you, to be there. So go.
Yes, this is all true. Makes sense. I decide that I'll go.
D and I drove up. On our ride, SIL sent us both a text of where there were seats for us. We walked in and I was a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps more uncomfortable than I was willing to admit.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Behave accordingly. What would you do, if all the BS H has done, didn’t happen? Just regarding this specific graduation ceremony of nephew. You’d go. You’d behave in a certain manner. Speak to people. Congratulate people. Etc. So, do that.
As we approached the row, SIL has her arms out wide for an embrace. Ok, I'll respond to that. I'll dance with SIL differently than I did at D's graduation. It wasn't the plan but it is what I would've done had H not gotten into his shenanigans. Walked by nephew's GF and niece - embraced them both with a hello. Walked by H with no greeting as I hear him trying to still dance to the old music. H says, "hello" with a hope in his tone. I couldn't even look at him never mind muster a greeting. I kept inching past him and to my seat. I know the family in the row in front of us was all listening and watching. None of them have seen us together since last year.
D sat between H and I. She was uncomfortable but her behavior was not obvious to all. H's legs shook and he needed 2 tobacco chews through the 90 minutes. Never needed any before. Other than the leg shaking, outwardly, H behaved like life is grand. Faking it till he makes it.
Well, if I'm being honest, I faked it till I made it. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and remained visibly controlled. Well, this is graduation #3 that both of us attending with inspirational speeches we can't avoid. They all focus on being authentic, living without fear, face challenges, relationships are what matter most when you look back, don't hide from your feelings, and on and on. Other than laughing with D and a couple family members in front of me, I remained quiet and reserved.
Minutes into sitting: H: D do you want to get something to eat with me? D: No thank you. I ate before I came.
H did all he could to ignore D for the rest of the 90 minutes and engaged with niece's BF, as BF was on the other side of H. I know H was listening to speeches and everything going on around him. Hypervigilant. H often paused and I could see his mask come off when I looked in D's direction in conversation (I could see H on the other side of D when I looked her way). H even got excited that I may have been looking at him once and turned to look at me. NOPE.
Not having H in my life is hard. Not engaging with H on a part-time basis has become easier. It still requires deliberate thought and decisioning.
We meet up for pictures outside and await the nephew. In that 10 minutes, I greeted many (all are form our small town) and enjoyed some conversations. H pushed further and further back from the flow of traffic. Not sure why but he wasn't around me and no one asked for him.
Family of 5 in front of us took a pic with graduate, SIL/BIL took pic with graduate, I took pic with graduate, D took pic with graduate and H took pic with graduate. We needed 3 for our family. I felt it. Sister texts to share photos on social media. Yup, 3 pictures posted for our family. SMH - this isn't how I'd want to write this chapter.
D and I head out and run into AP's XH. He's super happy to see us. My face had already fallen in relief as I was bolting to the car. Stop in my tracks to greet him and off I go. Was AP in his circle awaiting their son?? Not sure. Doesn't matter. I kept walking and get on the road.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Truth will out. You need not force it. Everything comes out eventually. Live and love your life - accordingly. Responsibility. Properly. With accountability. Respectfully (to self and others). Genuinely. Sincerely.
Isn't that the truth!?!
D: Why do you hate dad so much? M: I'm not sure where that comes from. I don't hate dad at all. D: Mom! Something has changed and it's obvious that you hate him. M: Again, D. I don't hate dad and I'd like to believe that you don't either. D: What happened? What's changed? M: I kept driving. STFU smoothie D: I need you to tell me. You don't talk to him at all anymore. M: Tears rolling down my face. STFU smoothie D: Please don't cry. You're driving. I just need you to tell me. Did he cross the boundary? M: I nod in affirmation as tears pour out. I let out an exhale and grunt as I release pain. D: I knew it. This is why brother and I had a bad week last week. We've suspected. We knew something was up. Please don't cry. M: STFU smoothie D: This is why dad was so depressed and suicidal. It was guilt. Wasn't it? M: I'm sorry D. I didn't want you to know, but seeing as you asked, I won't lie to you. D: How do you know? When did you find out. M: It fell in my lap and I sent him the evidence a couple months back. D: What did he say? Have you talked? M: Nope. He ghosted me at which point, I got some bills in order as well as the car ownership aligned. D: Ahh. That's why you did it. You'd known that long? UGH M: STFU smoothie D: You need to tell brother. He's disappointed that you don't tell him things. Or I can tell him if you'd rather. M: This isn't info for you to share with your brother. I'll get around to telling him. D: We need to tell him soon. Brother and I have plans to do X on Tuesday. M: I don't know if I'll tell him before Tuesday. D: How sure are you? If you're 100% sure, I'm done with dad. I'll cut him right out. M: Then, I'm 99% sure, not 100%. D: Mom, I'm so angry with him for what he's taken from me. What he's done to me. And now what he's doing to you and our family. M: I'm sorry D. STFU smoothie D: Mom, you are so pretty. So much prettier than her, both inside and out. What kind of person does this to a family? Such an ugly person. M: Thank you, D. I appreciate your comments. D: We're getting you on a dating site. That's it.
We both laugh as I drop her off to her car. She then throws in. D: Don't worry about telling brother. He's had enough of dad too. M: What do you mean? You know he doesn't share with me. D: He's called and texted dad many times over the last couple months and dad doesn't respond. M: Wow, I didn't know. D: Ya, brother's last text to dad wasn't a good one. D: Brother texted, "Dad do I have the wrong number? I've been reaching out but am not hearing back from you." M: I'm sorry D. I'll talk to S.
I finish my ride home with what seemed like never ending tears. I feel a surge of emotions. Life felt bittersweet in that 20 minutes - mostly bitter. Sad. Angry. Relieved. Validated. Disheartened. Oh those feelings! Can't seem to get away from them. It's been a weekend.
D had a destination wedding to go to so I haven't talked with her. I called S to chat yesterday and he was driving with GF. Nope, not today. S should be in person. If not in person, S should definitely not be driving. I'll muster up some words to tell S in the next week.
Not sure I can make it to nephew's graduation party next weekend. I think I've taken all I can as this year's Mar-May was extended into June by graduations.
If you've been praying for me. This isn't the time to stop. Please and thank you. MG
