Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

And then I went DARK. Business and young ones only. And only if it had to be addressed

Dark here too. Really dark as we have no young ones anymore. And, I've been really dark for a year other than 3 or 4 slips where he comes for something or to provide something. Then there is lingering and attempts at old ways. The dance is easy to jump back into. Albeit, it's less easy with each passing attempt over the last couple years.

I have NOT joined in most any joint activity with her except for things like graduations or her parents taking us all out to dinner after such an event.

Our bdays are toward the EOY and I didn't even acknowledge H's big one this past year. So, bdays may be written off. For me, the hard part is the window I just pushed through. Many of our joint things run between March and May. And this will be forever. Forever is a long time. I'm healing and less impacted but it takes deliberate effort to work through those fleeting feelings.

I tried to talk to XW's parents...once. The reply I received was, "You two will work it out." If that is how they wanted to deal with their daughter's actions with OM? Then carry on MiL/FiL...without me.

I would tell myself that perhaps if roles were reversed that I wouldn't know what to say/what to do in SIL or FIL shoes. And for 2 years, this narrative kept me friendly. At some point, one has to believe that MLCer's behavior is off. I also heard SIL say to me, "I don't know what happens behind closed doors." That should've been a clue to me.

SIL's son is graduating this coming week and I responded months ago that I would attend. I am really having second thoughts. If I attend, it'll be to support D. If she prefers to not attend, I'll be skipping out too. While no one deserves this ripple effect, my heart really aches for the nieces/nephews. They're moving into adulthood but not quite adults. They are so confused. Thankfully, they have their own lives that keep them busy. I'm sure I'm not the center of attention in their minds. lol

I don't have to decide today ... and ... the future is unwritten.

Yes! My mantra as well. I believe doors will open for you. For me. For those who believe.

From the books on the impacts of divorce I've read... it spreads across three generations up, down, left, and right. The facile self gaslighting that I received excusing the damage is offensive to me.

I hold on to the possibility of reconciliation, but only by a few threads. The thread of our children. The thread of the vow I/we took and I took very seriously. And the thread of these statistics.

Perhaps, I can add the thread of I know my H is down in there somewhere and may actually steel me off my feet again....should this actually be mental illness. I'm not hold too tight to this one anymore.

Other than these fragile threads, I would've walked away already. It'll hurt either way....and have been hurting. Forgiving, trusting, mending, building are big mountains to climb. The future is unwritten. I'm living for today.

As long as when you ask those questions... you pull way back. Instead of it being you and your husband - put in two strangers.

Enlightening. So true and obvious in the sitch of two strangers. I'm pondering.

Again this is a consequence of your H's actions. He loses the closeness of his family. Allow him to feel that.

If you gave the impression that you couldn't care if he was present - it doesn't surprise me that he is upping the ante by coming to the next one.

And this is why I thought it was unlikely that H would show. I hadn't been talking with him. H has noticed the shift. Clearly I didn't go silent to attract him.

OK, if my unintended 180 was all that was considered, sure, I can believe that H is still trying to dance the old way. It's more than that though. Bigger than dancing. H hasn't faced my family in 2 years. H had no idea how they'd respond to him and still H came out of his hiding, drove an hour and was faced my peeps. Ego? Arrogance? or...testing the waters of reintegrating?

We share a massage therapists who has been feeling bad for H because he's 'had to miss his monthly massage appts for 6 the last months'. I just nod and say nothing - STFU smoothies. She mentioned last month that it was nice to see he was able to come. Wonder what an hour of no escape measures may have felt like to him. Pondering...reintegrating? dipping the toe at what the effort to return to his cushy life would be like? hmmm

Regardless of the reason for returning to massages and for attending graduation, I'm not welcoming him without words like the ones you shared. "MG you are a saint and I am very sorry and here are the various mountains I'm willing to climb to reconnect and, and, and." At which point I'll respond, "that's a good start."

How you learn to tolerate the guilt and uncomfortable feelings with putting yourself first.

This should be easy, yet so hard. I'm working on it. And, I'm working on not softening in his presence. I'm a sucker for that man.

Here's an example of putting myself first - I wouldn't have done this last year.
S is moving this weekend to a new place - moving in with GF. S talked about taking his bedroom furniture and needing help from H. I calmly informed him that H is not welcome in my home. S is welcome to invite him to help but he will remain in the driveway.

Some days later...

S informed me that his friend will be coming to the house this weekend to help with the move. (S travels for work with this friend but I haven't met him.) My response, 'Ooh, can't wait to meet friend. Let's plan for dinner at your favorite restaurant while you're here. My treat.'

Until now, hadn't even considered how H will feel that he wasn't involved at all. Those consequences...

P.S. The rain on the east coast is just too much. I don't know why I bothered planting a garden at all this spring. Makes me miss my LA sunshine.

You're not kidding. Sounds like you're living in close proximity. We may be getting a few days of a dry spell....after today....and some warmer days.

Somehow my veggies are holding up. I have a couple cherry tomatoes coming in already. Peppers are thinking about budding. Getting excited.

I grow a variety of tomatoes and peppers and then mince them with a variety of herbs, onions & garlic for winter cooking. The minced mix freezes well (in portions) and makes for a quick meal base through the winter. Mom's garden usually provides the herbs among other things that she loves to share - keeps her busy & moving all summer.

I make batches of dog treats every 6 weeks or so - they hold up well in the freezer. Seeing as the dogs are almost out, I went out last night to pick up liver, flax seed, chia seeds, pumpkin, oats, turmeric, blueberries and so on. Will make these today since S and friend are coming tomorrow for furniture. And, I'll be visiting S's new place on Monday.

Grok, it is no surprise that as LBSes, you and I share similar experiences/thoughts/feelings and dare I say fears from time to time. We also share similar timelines. Still, interesting and stunning to hear the similarities. H was fast tracking his divorce until he learned about my cancer diagnosis. H stopped pushing mediation immediately. I firmly believe that if it weren't for learning that I had breast cancer just weeks after BD, H would've divorced me months into crisis. At the time, I was relieved that H halted divorce. Today, I'm not sure.

It's apparent that you are surviving/thriving with your greatest treasures by your side, as I am. We lead busy and productive lives. Better things are ahead. I trust.

DnJ, thanks for confirming that H laying in his own bed is appropriate. My silence is good. It feels comfortable based on H's behavior.

Enjoy the weekend!