It sounds like you are working on yourself and making positive self changes. Ensuring you make changes for you - not some attempt to woo her back - allows those improvements to become permanent. As you’ve already seen, W will be wary believing you are trying to manipulate her.
You are in a difficult place, as W will (has) blame you, stating you could’ve done these changes before and chose not to. Don’t fret over it. W is going to blame you regardless. Just keep doing for you and keep moving forward. Let your new and improved self and behaviours speak.
Time and space. Give W plenty of both. She is all over the place, openly having an affair, working (wishing) to break up OM’s family, filed for divorce, then shows regrets, then bounces back to her fantasy path. You cannot talk her out of this. You cannot talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. That goes for both of you.
Time and space. Let her be. You focus on you. Read DR, especially the last resort technique. No relationship talks. And no cake eating while she is in an affair, or pinning for him. Her behaviour is very disrespectful. Read up on boundaries and implement them on disrespect.
I’d consider having her move out of the master bedroom. She can sleep in the spare room, or couch, wherever, while she is in an affair. She wants out of the marriage. Let her feel it.
By the way, do not mention to W about divorce busting, the books, techniques, etc. She will incorrectly see that as trying to manipulate her. Realize, W is not on team DaveD328 right now.
Originally Posted by DaveD328
I don’t blame her for wanting to leave. I don’t blame her for how things went or started with the AP, I understand why she feels the way she does, I would if I were in her shoes. She’s admitted early on that if the AP weren’t in the picture that she would be more open to trying. Which is frustrating and insulting. But shows that it’s not just me as the cause right?
BS!
Affairs don’t “just happen”. W willingly walked her path. A path away from you and towards destruction of herself and another family with two children. And she didn’t care, or not enough to alter course.
You are part of the cause. Ok, fine. However, you didn’t make her have an affair. If she wanted to leave, then do it morally. Finalize the current relationship with you, then start looking for a new one. Of course, if she would to do that, you two would’ve likely had successful counselling and worked on your relationship. Instead she lied and cheated. Martial problems never get better by bringing a third partner into the mix.
Originally Posted by DaveD328
Im afraid that total 180s, at least in how I show up for “us” in our everyday life, will push her further away. She’s very stubborn and very direct. I think my 180s in how I treat myself have worked to a certain extent. I just don’t know what to do to give her a reason, show her a reason, to turn back towards me.
Make your 180s for you! And let the chips fall as they will.
Show up for “you” in everyday life.
W has to burn through her feelings and all that resentment. Then feel the loss of you and the relationship, before she might turned back. She previously showed brief moments of clarity and awareness of the mess she’s in. Give her time and space.
I look forward to conversing with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
