He keeps asking me why make the changes now? That it looks like I'm trying to manipulate him into staying with me.
Decide your changes, whatever changes, for you. Enact them, for you.
A positive, H is noticing the new you. Regardless, you are doing this for you. It will take time for H to believe it.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
How my venting effected his work and his interactions with his helper. That he would go vent to her about me and make her not want to be around him.
Sounds like an EA. H was leaning on/reaching out emotionally to her.
H blaming you for spoiling his relationship with his helper is twisted. It’s a workplace! His conduct is/was improper! H should’ve talk with you. Don’t just buy whatever he is selling. He’ll gaslight you, if he can.
Martial problems do not get better by bringing another person into the mix. H stepped out of line.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
We will still be living together for at least a year or more while he gets ready to take his next step. I don’t understand. If he really despised me he wouldn’t want to be near me let alone sleep in the same bed and be nice to me. He tried to reassure me everything was going to be ok and everything happens for a reason and there was nothing to be scared of. Who does this???
Monkey branching. A person seeks a new relationship while still in the old one. As in, looking to swing to a new branch, but only once it is firm and secure, until then they hang on to the old branch.
H needs a big dose of reality. To really feel it.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
If only I could just go back in time and do things differently. I know I brought my problems from my first marriage into this one. Classic bad move.
Good on you realizing this. Of course, you cannot change the immutable past, so go forward with purpose. Do differently, do better now. For you!
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He says he's going to take money out of our equity to start a retirement fund for me and that I can still stay here. And he will take care of my health insurance, no idea for how long. Wouldn't that raise the payment on the house?
This sounds shady. H is making some significant financial alterations to your two’s plans and present security. And he is doing so without your input. I’d look into things.
Like most things, details matter. How long your marriage, renting or mortgage, both working or someone stay at home, age, previous debts, prenuptial or not, etc.
Some hard to absorb advice: If you need financial security or protection, get it!
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I can only hope that I can make our time under the same roof so much more pleasant that he won't want to leave after all.
In my opinion, no. You can do more. You can let H feel the reality/consequences of his choices.
Yes, be cordial. Be kind. Give plenty of time and space. Do your inner work. Focus on you. Look after you.
Do implement boundaries on disrespectful behaviours. Do not pussy foot around or walk on eggshells. Be sincere. Stand for your convictions.
Believe nothing H says and only half of what he does. (His actions speak much better than his words. He filed for divorce!)
Be strong my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
