Need insight

[DnJ]

Hi JoJo

No worries about double posting, happens every now and then. I usually try to clean up such things. (BTW, double post deleted. )

At the moment the website is sometimes a bit glitchy; stalls or is slow to respond. There is an updated website being created, and should be out in a month or so. (Hopefully)

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Here are some wise word from a wise poster, Wonka.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

For the moment, H is not on team JoJo. Do not share or tell him about DB, the books, any tactics or strategies, etc.

As much as this hurts I don’t mind the roller coaster of emotions as long as it means we will stay together, so I just have my eyes on the prize.

Oh that rollercoaster.

Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Step off the rollercoaster.

I totally agree about having your eyes on the prize. However, what is the prize to you? I suspect you are referring to saving your marriage.

Saving your marriage is a bonus. The true prize is YOU!

Divorce Busting will save you and give you the best chance at saving your marriage.

Just like on an airplane: you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Then you can help others.

H is living in two worlds. Divorcing/staying. A mix of fantasy and reality. He is confused and it will make you confused trying to figure him out. He can/will change direction at the drop of a hat. Ping pong about. Because he is being lead more by his emotions than logic and reason.

You cannot reason with him. Can’t set him down and logically spell it out to him. He needs to sort out his own mess. He needs to choose to change direction.

You are doing well being calm and pressure-free. Also, don’t walk on eggshells. Focus on you. Let go of fear.

I have been doing my best to just act normal around him and not try to touch him or make him feel uncomfortable.

Yes. Be normal and do your own thing. It is perfectly fine if H feels uncomfortable. You don’t go out of your way to make him uncomfortable, or manipulate, or anything like that. It’s more letting him lay in the bed he’s made.

looking for insight on what you guys think this could mean.

I think H was running low and needed to resupply. He needed a refill on knowing you are waiting for him.

Let him feel the loss.



Hope you have a good day.

D

[JoJo12]

I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I am very patient normally but I have no patience for this but there's nothing else I can do. We've had a better relationship than we've had in years since he dropped the bomb. I'm just afraid that he's sliding comfortably into the friend zone rather than seeing me as the best thing that every happened to him.

[JoJo12]

He knows about the book. I told him I was reading it when he came back from his trip and had asked for sex the first time. He wanted to see it and I suggested he read it and he said ok. He never picked it up. I tried to reason with him on another occasion and told him everyone goes through what we're going through and that I was reading stories identical to ours in the DR book. He still wouldn't listen so I have since dropped it. He did say that he thought I was trying to manipulate him at one point. I just said I was changing for us (mistake, I know now.)

He's being really nice, thanking me for dinner and for cleaning the house today. I thanked him for keeping the table and counters clear because it made it easier for me to clean. I didn't ask him to do that recently, he just started doing it on his own after he told me he wanted out. He apologized for being messy before. He had told me a couple weeks ago that I didn't have to make dinner for him anymore but I said no, that he has enough on his plate and he needs to come home to a good meal. That way we can continue our new chats over dinner as well. It lightens the mood being able to talk to him normally about anything but our relationship.

He had told me (crying) that he felt neglected for a long time, even though I feel like I took care of him the best way I knew how after he repeatedly told me that he can take care of himself. I told him how that hurt my feelings because I did the opposite of neglect him in my book. He later apologized saying that was not the right word. I'm just trying my best to show him that I am on his side and I can be the loving wife he needs without being clingy.

[Cadet]

. He still wouldn't listen so I have since dropped it.

Good that you dropped it.

Understand that there is NOTHING you can say or do that is going to change him.

You can only change yourself.

He is on his own path right now and until he decides that he is going to change it anything you do is more likely to make things worse rather than make things better.
If you make a mistake then like falling off a bicycle get up dust yourself off and get back on again.

Just also remember like the Lighthouse story - be YOU the person YOU are and don't worry about trying to attract him back - a bright light and he may find his way.
It will be on his timeline - Not yours.

Keep Posting

[JoJo12]

Thank you. I'm not having the best morning. Gotta pull it together before he comes home from work. I wish I knew what was going through his head, but if I could, then I wouldn't be in this situation now, would I?

[Cadet]

Thank you. I'm not having the best morning. Gotta pull it together before he comes home from work. I wish I knew what was going through his head, but if I could, then I wouldn't be in this situation now, would I?

Never met him but I can tell you that you don’t want to know what is going on in his head.
Mostly confusion, pain and overall depression.

You didn’t break him and you can’t FIX him.

Let go

[JoJo12]

Thank you

[JoJo12]

I was feeling hopeful because there hadn't been any talk of divorce since Sunday and I thought we were getting along great. I kept my changes going and he was doing things for me too. As soon as I woke up today he said we needed to talk and that he filed for divorce and wanted to know what I wanted as far as the house and what not. I'm so lost. I told him I want everything I'm entitled to and I didn't want to lose the house as it's part of my retirement. He said we can go work with a mediator.

I couldn't help but cry. Tried to reason with him. He was sad too and started crying. Says he's had low self esteem since he was a kid and wasn't happy with himself and he works out and works to deal with it all. He says he has a plan to make himself feel better and healthier and one of the steps is to get out of this marriage. So he gets healthier and ruins my health because all I wanna do is die. He says he can't help how he feels, or what he doesn't feel for me. There's no plans of him moving out any time soon, he mentioned over a year at least, so I don't understand why papers need to be filed right now. He's not gonna go get married again, and I'll lose my health insurance and base privileges. He's medically retired. He keeps telling me I'm a great person and I just feel like a failure that I didn't read the signs. If I'm so great then why am I the problem??? He still wants to be friends and I don't even know what that will look like, especially when he finds someone. He keeps telling me I deserve better. I have no plans to ever be with anyone else. I'm just done.

[DnJ]

Hello JoJo

Oh my, what a gut punch to wake up to. I know how lost you feel. (((Hugs)))

I told him I want everything I'm entitled to and I didn't want to lose the house as it's part of my retirement. He said we can go work with a mediator.

I’d speak with a lawyer, ASAP. Your lawyer. Your individual lawyer.

Then, let your lawyer deal with H. No more discussing D, or what you do or doing want. What you are entitled to. Etc. You do not know all your rights and entitlements, a lawyer does. Do not say or make any deals with H. And definitely, do not sign anything before your L looks it over.

I'll lose my health insurance and base privileges.

I don’t believe so. H will likely be legally obligated to continue coverage, or provide coverage, for you. (Depending upon years of marriage, local laws, etc.) It’s stuff like that, the insurance (and such), that a lawyer knows. Have a L working for just you to sort it all out.

A lawyer can tell you your rights and entitlements. Your best case, worse case, and likely case outcomes. And what can and cannot be negotiated or waived.

This is the business side of the situation. Keep the business side and emotional/healing side separate. When dealing with business matters, stick to business. And since we LBS are usually hurting and pretty attached fresh after bomb drop, having a trusted lawyer representing you is so very valuable.

This is likely the biggest financial decision of your life. And you got a lot of life left to fund.

Don’t fret. This doesn’t negate divorce busting. It’s just business. Go dark. Employ the LRT. Focus on you. H has to burn through his feelings before he can turn back. Give him time and space. Lots! Enough to choke on!

There's no plans of him moving out any time soon, he mentioned over a year at least, so I don't understand why papers need to be filed right now.

A year! Nope! I’d kick him out.

He filed for divorce. He sleeps in the spare bedroom or couch or bus station. Anywhere but the master bedroom. He’s the one who wants out of the marriage, he’s the one who leaves.

He says he has a plan to make himself feel better and healthier and one of the steps is to get out of this marriage. So he gets healthier and ruins my health because all I wanna do is die.

Again. Nope! Screw his plan! Your health is number one priority here! You are number one priority!

Talk with a L. Find out your rights.

My goodness, a year of H holding a divorce threat over your head. I suggest you turn that around right away. If he stays, while he stays, be roommates. Period. He sleeps in a different room. In house separation is very difficult. As counterintuitive as it sounds, it is usually better if they move out. The chances of reconciling are higher.

He keeps telling me I'm a great person and I just feel like a failure that I didn't read the signs. If I'm so great then why am I the problem???

Jo, you are not the problem.

I’ve been right where you are. Oh my, why do we LBS’ blame ourselves. Our spouse wants to leave, and we blame ourselves. Our spouse cheats, and we blame ourselves.

Do not drink his poison.



I am sorry H pulled the rug out on you. Have faith, you will be ok.

(((Hugs)))

D

[JoJo12]

I do have a lady I know that I didn't know was a family lawyer that I will be talking to this week for advice. H says he wants to keep lawyers out of it.


I feel sorry for him. I had no idea he felt this way all these years. I can't make him change how he feels or make him stay with me if he doesn't want to right now. He took me out to dinner tonight. He said he was sorry I had to be in the middle of all this. I just want him to find himself and find his way back to me. I said I never held him back from doing anything he wanted to do and I wasn't going to start now. He said he feels like he's being held back just by being married to me and he doesn't want anyone waiting for him while he does what he does to better himself. He can't even explain it.

I don't know if I could kick him out of the bed. He would just laugh at me and say, "yeah right". He has nowhere else to go. I don't know what his plan is but he obviously needs to stay here for however long it takes and to also get me situated and financially stable. I just don't want to give him any reason to resent me if there is even the slightest possibility of him coming to his senses before or after the divorce.