Mother’s Day was amazing! I had some tears heading up to see D19. H knows it’s a tough holiday for me. D17 gave me a great card and D19 got me flowers. I actually got a happy Mother’s Day from H which was more than expected honestly. Had a nice meal and a tour of campus. D17 is going to be looking at schools this summer so she wanted to check things out. Hopefully hearing about H and I won’t totally sidetrack her. Moved a bunch of stuff out of the dorm. H complained a lot but I was determined just to enjoy the beautiful day with my girls. Then H actually grilled out when we got home. His idea. He hadn’t done that yet and we used to almost every Sunday. Hung out on the patio like nothing was wrong.
Had a pretty good week. D19 is home. It’ll be nice to have her back this summer. Today for whatever reason I couldn’t get the thought of “I wonder how much of my life the past few years was a complete lie.” Shouldn’t think way. I’ll never know and probably better I don’t.
D19 has been asking about July 4th again. I stay out of it. H says we probably will stay home. I know D19 wants to anyway but he may have some pushback from D17. I’m not pushing, not talking about the future or the R, but I wonder if these conversations with the D’s about summer will push him. Will it get taken out on me and he’ll leave. I’m trying to even tell myself that there is a good chance he’ll still leave in June. Was that conversation a lie. I seem to be questioning everything.
The past few days he seems more irritable. Mostly with the dog. Then when D17 tells him to calm down he’ll kind of go off. Not yelling just making comments. I keep quiet and shrug. She’s okay. I check in when he’s not around.
Saturday will be tough to see my dad. He has no idea. Will probably tell him H is golfing. And Sunday it’ll be five years since my mom passed. Going to just try to enjoy my dad and hanging with the girls.
