Hi. My husband told me he wanted a divorce about a month ago. We weren't even fighting. I was excited about a piece of exercise equipment I had gotten. He knew I was insecure about my body and had tried to tell me how to lose weight, but anything I had tried wasn't working. He's the problem solving type, so whatever was festering in his brain must have been brought out by this. He told me he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. He asked me if I was and I said no, that I had been feeling unwanted for a long time too. He said he has a very stressful job and I stress him out with my problems. I had no idea, I just wanted someone to vent to. He also said that we had no intimacy. That was partly because of some female health problems I've been experiencing throughout the years, and the feeling I was having that he didn't want me anymore. Also that I always bugged him at the wrong times. I literally never had time to talk to him, he was always either at work, the gym or barricaded in his room. We did spend every Sunday afternoon together and weekends in general when I wasn't working.
I immediately ordered Michelle's book "The Divorce Remedy" and started implementing some of the techniques. I told him why we weren't having sex. When he stopped asking for it I assumed he was getting old. He would often not finish when we did do it, saying he was tired. I didn't feel any passion whatsoever so I admit I wasn't the best at it either. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
I told him that I would always bug him at the wrong times because I never had a window to talk to him. I asked him if he could make time and sit with me at the dinner table instead of watching TV and he's been doing that ever since. I stopped venting to him and only talk about positive things.
I've started talking about my feelings for him, something I was scared of or embarrassed about before. I wasn't raised like that. I started complementing him and he's been so nice to me, even complementing me as well, which I told him was one reason I felt unwanted. He says he wants me to be financially taken care of and today he said he still wants to be friends. He tried being cold with me at one point because he felt like he was leading me on. That didn't last very long. I'd burst into tears and he wants to comfort me.
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting. He says we don't have a connection and he knows there's someone out there whom he can connect with and is better for him, and the same for me. I am positive he's not having an affair. Two other major things are that he went through what could've been a fatal accident a few months ago but thank God he got out without a scratch. Also that he smoked weed to relax and forget for most of our relationship and suddenly stopped. I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested. I wish I had known I could've just worked on things on my own, but I really didn't know what was bothering him, even though he said he told me many times. When I ask him now what it was he told me that I didn't listen, he can't even tell me. I know I've changed a lot of things in the past, but he just chooses to keep looking at what's missing. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me, and that we're both still young (we're 45) and that we can find happiness with other people. We've been together 17 years, married 15. I was previously married to a bi-polar, violent man who also cheated on me. My husband is nothing like that. He's kind and sensitive and caring. I really thought I had hit the jackpot with him.
Do you think there's hope for us? We still live together and sleep in the same bed. There's no rush for either of us to move out. I told him I wanted to stay in our house. It's a great investment on top of it being exactly what we wanted since we remodeled it together. I also don't want to see him suffer financially because of the split, but it's ultimately his decision. I told him all I can do is keep the changes going and show him that this time they're for good, since he's skeptical I can really change, if anything for my own sanity. I have completely lost my appetite and have lost 10lbs already, and paid the ER a visit last week with a major panic attack and my whole body went numb. They said my blood pressure was really high and my heart was racing. I told him I take my vows seriously and I'm not a quitter. My parents are still married. He said he never believed in marriage but decided to give it a try. He comes from a broken family and had to take care of himself most of his life. I've never been alone and I am terrified. I don't ever want to gamble with my heart again so getting into another relationship is out of the question for me.
Hi, I'm sorry you're here. I'm sure one of the vets will be along soon with some great advice and the welcome post.
It sounds to me like you've started off on the right track. You've identified some changes and have started making them. What I would say to you is to stop talking about your changes and keep making them and stick to them. It could take a while.
Sorry to hear about your health but I'm sorry to say that is normal at this stressful time. I have a health and fitness watch and it is very obvious how my stress, weight, sleep were all affected during the few months when my situation was at Bomb Drop last year. I remember going through all the graphs on the app with my doctor. I was having to force myself to eat even though I was still working out a lot. Be good to yourself. Eat. Work out. Do what you can to get some sleep. Get yourself out to nature. Concentrate on you a little bit. You need time to think and process this.
I like you was straight in to the feeling of 'how do I save my marriage' all before I really took stock of what was actually going on.
Midlife Crisis is a bit of a strange thing. I personally don't believe there is a phenomenon called midlife crisis that happens to people and causes them to act strangely. Rather, in my opinion, there are a subset of psychological and relational things going on that aren't always the same in each case, but they result in behaviours that are so hurtful or destructive to their loved ones that they get called a crisis.
I don't want to alarm you but in almost every case I've read about there has been an affair. Whether that is the case or not, your husband is not acting in a faithful way towards you and your marriage so please guard yourself.
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I had some kind of hope since he was still willing to have sex with me. I was pretty much throwing myself at him any chance I could, till he refused me on Sunday night, saying he didn't feel good about it. That he tried to feel something but he can't. I was devastated. I told him I'd back off so I haven't tried to touch or kiss him at all yesterday. He's also said before that he felt like I was trying to manipulate him with my changes and I said I wasn't, I was just hearing what he said and wanted to change things for the better. I'm basically at The Last Resort Technique right now, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I’m glad to see you’ve read DR from MWD. Lots of good advice in that book!
First off, yes I believe there is hope for your situation.
H only drop the bomb a month ago. And you are correct, his issues and unspoken concerns, pains, complaints, etc have been going on for much longer. Do realize, it’s his issues, pains, concerns, complaints, etc. Do not take on ownership for his stuff.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Certainly own, and clean up, your side of the street. Which it sounds like you are doing. It will take time for H to believe in your positive changes, and that they aren’t some ploy to win him back. So ensure any changes you enact are for you. That way those new and improved behaviours will become permanent, because you did them for you.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting.
You’ve told him this, now leave it alone. H needs to feel the loss before he may start to turn back.
You sitting around waiting for him allows H to stagnate in place. A spouse will make less forward progress when their partner is sitting on the shelf at home pinning away. Focus on you. Get a life (GAL). Let go. Detach. Be pressure-free. Have no R-talks.
I know that seems counterintuitive. Sounds wrong. Such is Divorce Busting. It is counterintuitive, until you figure it out.
Begging, pleading, pressure, all that just pushes them out the door faster. Focus on yourself. Live and love your life. Let H feel a bit of the reality of that divorce fantasy life he has built up in his mind.
To be clear, that doesn’t mean go out dating. Or ignoring him. You be kind and cordial. You don’t jump to his every whim and want. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Like I said, it’s been a month. This takes time. So if you don’t focus on you, it’s going to feel a heck of a lot longer.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I am positive he's not having an affair.
It is staggering how many have affairs. In fact, I cannot recall a single situations where there was not an affair.
I’m not saying that to be mean, or dash your hopes, or anything like that. Just sincere honest straightforwardness. Also, affairs mean nothing. There are built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation for a relationship. That kind of an illicit foundation is akin to building in sand, it requires incredible energies to maintain the relationship.
I also tell you this for your health. You definitely do not want an STD. If you choose to have sex, use protection.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
The topic of having sex. The usual suggestion is no cake eating. H has announced and is still adamant of wanting a divorce. Why are you sleeping with him? Let him feel the loss.
And do not fear that doing so will push him to someone else. That is a pretty normal fear for a LBS. And a normal narrative/justification/blame from the spouse.
Of course, it does sound like your sex life was lacking. However, that is not the only item on H’s list of “reasons”. I’d likely pull back, and tell him why. That you aren’t going to sleep with someone looking to leave.
H will like push back. Blame, justify, rewrite history, and so on. Let him. You know better.
Originally Posted by JoJo12
I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested.
A midlife crisis is a horrible consuming time. Long ago unrecognized unrealized unreconciled buried trauma(s) burst forth and consume them. MLC is nothing like what Hollywood portrays. It is not a guy buying a red sports car and getting a girlfriend. A true crisis rips the person’s soul asunder.
A crisis cannot be stopped. Once started the person must finish it. One can be delayed, but the crisis will not be stalled for long, and when it resumes it will be far worse than before.
A crisis has nothing to do with you. It is about long ago childhood trauma(s) from a person in a position of authority. The very person who is suppose to protect them. The youngster is far too immature to deal with happens to them, so they do the only thing they can, they bury it.
Kids are egocentric, the world revolves around them. Abuse, sexual assault, etc. the youngster blames themselves. To them, it’s their fault. And they cannot handle that! So they bury and deny it. A perfectly normal response from their young psyche; for trying to face things would have destroyed them.
That is the seeds of a crisis. Horrible dark deeds/seeds.
Cue midlife. Marriage, work, kids, mortality, life’s accomplishments, life’s regrets, and so on. All come to the fore. Everyone feels this time. For most folks it is a midlife transition. And sadly, for some folks it does not go smoothly. Still, it is a transition from one stage of life to the next.
What sets midlife’s stage apart from the other ones - childhood, adolescence, golden years - is one cannot bury things. All one’s skeletons, known and hidden, come out and want their say. Long ago demons will not remain silent any longer.
A crisis happens when one has hidden demons and poor coping skills. Those long ago seeds emotionally stunted the MLCer and they need to revisit their past and grow up from then.
Realize they need to. They are driven to.
I had no idea of what MLC was until my XW blew apart her life. I only saw it as that comedic Hollywood version. True MLC is near unbelievable. In fact, most people who have not seen it cannot believe in it. That’s not a slight at anyone. It is a normal protection of their psyche.
For a crisis lurks unknown. Waiting to drag and consume. Had long ago forgotten events of my childhood been different, I would be in crisis and not XW. To accept that. To see and accept the fragility of the mind and the lurking possibly that you too could succumb. People’s protective mechanisms spring up. Like I said, I’ve been there.
I knew my XW for 31 years, married 26, four kids, big country house, big yard, and wonderful life. She dropped the bomb during thanksgiving supper in front of the kids and my parents. Seven shocked witnesses to the absolute destruction of her life. “DnJ, you get the house, cars, and kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”
Following her grand announcement, a mere three hours later, her grand exodus. She left with OM - my neighbour - who was waiting at the end of the lane to pick her up. The bedlam, the shock, the absolute flabbergastness of it all. No one saw this coming.
True, my XW is on the nuclear end of the crisis spectrum.
A loving Mom of four. A vibrant woman who ran a daycare in our home. Was consumed!
She threw away her children like they were old clothes.
Now, eight years have passed. XW is still running with the unicorns and fairies. She is gaunt, unhealthy, sad, depressed. She is still with OM. She has not rekindled with her children. Instead, she blames them.
She is truly a lost soul.
MLC is horrible.
I pray your H is experiencing a midlife transition.
Either way, your path is the same. Focus on you. Be kind and compassionate. Live and love your life. Become the best version of yourself. A woman only a fool would leave.
I’d also suggest ceasing suggesting to H to go to counselling. That is pressure. And to him, nothing is wrong. Especially if he is in crisis, as his broken psyche cannot blame himself. That is some of the underpinnings of why they blame the LBS and write a narrative; for they cannot handle fault or blame. They truly cannot.
I look forward to conversing with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
By the way, for some reason you were on moderation, which is why your posts did not show up right away, one of us moderators had to approve them. Anyhow, you should be off moderation now.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you. I don't know if you saw my update about the sex part. That was part of my 180. I explained to him that I did want it and want him, which was important to him. I'm happy that he tried but extremely sad that he still couldn't feel anything for me. I am so hoping I can become a woman only a fool would leave to him. I already know that I am, he just doesn't see it. Yes I would complain to him about my problems but I never complained about him. I always supported him in anything he wanted to do. He likes to travel by himself and I was reluctant about it when we first got married, but he didn't give me any reason to suspect anything so I never gave him grief about it. Actually I made him promise me to take me on a cruise the first time and he agreed, and we still haven't gone. Last time I mentioned it a few months ago he said he's not going and to go with a friend.
We've also always had separate bank accounts and joint one we transfer money back and forth to each other through. I was fine with that at first because my ex and I had everything in one account and it was a disaster, but it really bugged me that I had no access to his accounts in case something were to happen to him. When he would ask me why I needed to have that, I would say "because I'm your wife". That wasn't a sufficient answer.
I know he's not having an affair. If he's not at work he's at the gym or at home. If he is, he's hiding it incredibly well. He's just got this fantasy that he's going to meet someone one day who's going to make him feel all the feelings.
We did fight over little things and our communication sucked. I would bring up something he did that bugged me in the nicest way I could, to which he would get defensive and start raising his voice and start pointing out my shortcomings. To which I would just shut down and have nothing to say because I just want the fight to be over and to get along again. I'm quick to forgive and forget and he holds things in, even if it was a joke and I told him a million times that it was.
I don't think he's ever had his heart broken or been abused like I was in the past, which makes it harder for him to appreciate what he has with me.
Apparently there is still some snag with your posts needing approval. Don’t worry, I’ve forwarded the request and I’ll continue making frequent checks. We’ll get this resolved.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you. I got home from work this morning and hubby was getting ready for work. I have been doing my best to just act normal around him and not try to touch him or make him feel uncomfortable. He asked me how my night was and I asked him if he slept well and we had a brief, pleasant conversation about a podcast we both listen to. I got into my PJs and told him to have a great day at work and to drive safe. It was a bit awkward because I usually sit on his lap and give him a hug and kiss before I go to bed. I went to bed and started sobbing as quietly as I could. He came into the room, I thought to bring our dog to bed as he often does. He called my name and told me to stand up. I asked why. He said he thought I needed a hug, so I just cried in his arms as he held me tight. He probably hasn’t changed his mind and was just trying to comfort me again. As much as this hurts I don’t mind the roller coaster of emotions as long as it means we will stay together, so I just have my eyes on the prize. Again, looking for insight on what you guys think this could mean.
Sorry I didn't mean to post that twice and I don't know how to delete it. I was trying to post from my phone and it was taking forever to load. I didn't think it was going to go through, so I went on my computer and did it there too.
