Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

A tale of Tires

Sitting here in the tire place getting four new tires. Irritated they couldn’t be patched or plugged because of liability issues. Irritated that I have to do it 10,000 miles early. Irritated at the extra $$$. Happy my work is still allowing “situational telework.” Emotions ebb and flow writing out how I got here today.

getting ready

Saturday evening was D18’s last gymnastics meet. She will be done unless she wants to try college gymnastics sometime. So … this is an important day for her.

A month ago D18 said, “Dad, you’re taking me to the meet in XYZ next month.”

I was a little surprised. When XW left, that was one of the things she said she wanted to do/keep. This was also a basis for me paying alimony for a while. I thought, “what is XW doing then? To not take D18 to her last meet? Will she be there? XW’s parents are supposed to be in town about then for D18’s graduation ceremony…what about them?”

I said nothing except, “OK D18. Sounds great. I’ll take you.”

For a while, D20 and I were trying to get a friend to house/pet sit for a night. This meet is 3 hours away and by a well known beach front. The notion was the four of us would spend the night in a hotel there after the meet… then a morning at the beach. That fell through in the end and I prepped the young ones for a 2pm departure for the 6:30p meet start time. D18 wanted plenty of time and was extra worried about being late.

2p arrives and we are still stuffing the truck. Ice chest with ice for D18’s foot. Cold foods. Snack foods. Special drinks selected. Blankets/pillows. S13, “Dad, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten anything today. Can I make this ramen?” I just about growled at him. D18 is anxious and this kicks off emotions of NO we HAVE TO GO. Snap decision.

G, “S13, you picked a very bad time to figure this out. Go get a container with a top, put the ramen and hot water in. You can eat on the way. “

Everyone getting in the truck and there is little room. D18’s emotions are bobbling all over now.

D18, “Dad! There is NO PLACE FOR MY LEO and stuff!!!!!!!!!!! S13 that ramen smells disgusting. You can’t be eating that!!!!!! The Leo has to hang up WHAT DO I DO???????”

on the road

S13 looks like he is about to cry under the onslaught. Time for more snap decisions and Dad authority. I take the ramen, drain most of the liquid onto the lawn, and tell him to finish the noodles in the next 5 minutes and seal the container. D18 is vibrating with unhappiness. I take supplies out of the back seat, stuff them up front, and shove S13’s stuff over, hang D18’s gear on the passenger headrest. Get in let’s go. A prayer. D18 settles once we are on the road.

On the road with D20 driving, “I want the practice Dad. While you are in the car with me on long trips when it is raining.” 30 minutes down the road and who gets to pick what on the playlist is sorted.

Tires

DING! The dash has yellow flashing going on. The tire pressure display is now center. The right front tire is flashing 26. “Dad. Dad. ….. ” as we watch the 26 turns into a 25. Oh…. At the same time we hit standstill traffic on a freeway merge. We are stopped. Next exit is 3 miles. “Dad ….. how low is ok for me to keep going before I have to pull over? I think we should try to make it off the freeway where we can park at the next exit.” Smart girl. I told her 20 and we just made it to the parking lot by that standard. D18 starts vibrating with emotional unhappiness again.

Yep, a decent size screw. Truck has a mini-spare. I run though all the variations and factors in my head. “D20, please see if mom/grandma/grandpa are still near and can stop by and get D18 to make sure she makes the meet.” D18 is distinctly unhappy that I can’t make the 3 hour drive on a mini-spare. “I don’t want to go with grandpa/grandma.” I start the process of putting on the spare with D18’s help. She is practiced at this now and proud of her capabilities. Distracted.

Mom

XW apparently was 30 minutes further down the road when D20 reached her and she turned around to get D18.

G, “D20, was grandpa and grandma not with her?”

D20, “No Dad. I don’t know why. They are all driving separately (the three hours).”

I am talking to D18 about she needs to get her stuff and go with her mom. D18 will be just in time for the start. She starts crying, “No No No No No. It’s my last meet. Everyone has to be there. Everything is going wrong. Why can’t everything work?” I start to reason with her but stop. That won’t help. I offer love and support and reassurance that D20 and I will be right behind. I tell S13 he will go with XW and D18 when she gets here.

XW arrives and approaches with concern seeing D18 crying. She tries to approach, but D18 backs away from her visibly shaking, “No No No No NO”

G, “XW, Wait. S13, go get you stuff and go with mom.”

I walk over to D18. “You know I love you. This is the right thing to do right now. I promise you D20 and I will only miss one event at most.”

D18 folds into my arms so I can hold her and she stops shaking. D20 loans her AirPods so she a listen to her pre-meet motivational music… and not have to talk to mom if she doesn’t want to. I hope sending S13 is moderating and there is no crossfire he gets caught in.

Just not how it is anymore

As XW and D18 drive away, D20 bursts into tears.

D20, “Sorry Dad, but I think I did pretty good holding it in and being big sister while D18 needed me. I didn’t respond emotionally. She did NOT want to go with mom. I hope mom doesn’t argue with her and spin her up.“

G, “Yes you did well. She needed us to be strong while she gets through this.”

D20 is sitting in my truck as we wait for her friend N to show up with an air pump.

D20, “Dad, she REALLY did not want to go with mom.

G, “I know D20. But first priority was to get her to the meet on time. The we will come and be there for her. I think only missing the first event.”

D20, “She doesn’t quite understand that’s just not how it is anymore.”

Grief

Taking with D20. Thinking on the fractures represented by events. Grandparents driving on their own. XW driving on her own. Me, with my three who didn’t want to go with grandparents, didn’t want to go with XW.

I have tears in my eyes also. I show D20 my hand which is trembling.

G, “D20, it isn’t that way anymore. And this is how I feel about my own daughter not wanting to ride with her mom to her last gym meet.”

D20, “I know Dad.”

relationship lessons

While D20 and I waited for her reliable friend N to show up with a portable air pump to fill the mini-spare…don’t I feel dumb… we talked about another friend she tried to call. One who has been … not so reliable.

D20, “Dad, why can’t she be a good friend like I try to be….”

G, “D20 have you heard the term “covert contract?” You expect certain behaviors from her when you behave a certain way with her. But you don’t have an actual agreement for that…you haven’t talked about that…. You feel bad about her because of your own expectations of her. Her behavior suggest that is not who she is right now. Can you accept who she is right now and not who you want her to be right now?“

Tires

D20’s reliable friend arrives and we inflate the mini-spare to 55psi. After profuse thanks, we drive 25 minutes back home and swap cars to D20’s little hatchback and head out.

D20’s car has brand new tires on it. Put on Friday. Because of a nail in a tire earlier in the week. D20 practices the techniques to go fast…but stay innocuous. We arrive 10 minutes before D18’s second event. We don’t head to the bathroom before watching her though!

departing a winner

D18 does well. 1st in one event and 2nd overall in her skill bracket. Her team comes in 1st.

She get recognized on stage as a departing senior. The announcer calls for any friends and family that want to support her to come up on stage… XW on the end of the row doesn’t move. Seeing this, I, in the middle of the row get up and make move it! Move it! Motions until we are all up on stage. Don’t care how awkward anyone feels … this is D18’s moment in front of her peers.

XW departs taking grandma with her as soon as D18’s last award is done. Grandpa hangs around. When everything is all the way done we depart and I send S13 with Grandpa. Not sure if either of them wanted that. Too bad. Deal. D18 crashes out on the way home. The rest of us do so at 2am back home.

I dream of tires and things undone.

Oh, and it was raining on and off for this whole story….

g



PS

The grandparents stop by in an evening. Grandpa takes me aside and says he owes me a check. I look confused. It turns out the grandparents had put aside money for grandchildren's college funds. I just say thank you and accept the check for many thousands. I'll put it in an education account for them.

It was only later I thought, "why did he give it to me and not his daughter...XW?"