Hi. My husband told me he wanted a divorce about a month ago. We weren't even fighting. I was excited about a piece of exercise equipment I had gotten. He knew I was insecure about my body and had tried to tell me how to lose weight, but anything I had tried wasn't working. He's the problem solving type, so whatever was festering in his brain must have been brought out by this. He told me he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. He asked me if I was and I said no, that I had been feeling unwanted for a long time too. He said he has a very stressful job and I stress him out with my problems. I had no idea, I just wanted someone to vent to. He also said that we had no intimacy. That was partly because of some female health problems I've been experiencing throughout the years, and the feeling I was having that he didn't want me anymore. Also that I always bugged him at the wrong times. I literally never had time to talk to him, he was always either at work, the gym or barricaded in his room. We did spend every Sunday afternoon together and weekends in general when I wasn't working.
I immediately ordered Michelle's book "The Divorce Remedy" and started implementing some of the techniques. I told him why we weren't having sex. When he stopped asking for it I assumed he was getting old. He would often not finish when we did do it, saying he was tired. I didn't feel any passion whatsoever so I admit I wasn't the best at it either. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said of course. We've now had more in two weeks than we have in 2 years.
I told him that I would always bug him at the wrong times because I never had a window to talk to him. I asked him if he could make time and sit with me at the dinner table instead of watching TV and he's been doing that ever since. I stopped venting to him and only talk about positive things.
I've started talking about my feelings for him, something I was scared of or embarrassed about before. I wasn't raised like that. I started complementing him and he's been so nice to me, even complementing me as well, which I told him was one reason I felt unwanted. He says he wants me to be financially taken care of and today he said he still wants to be friends. He tried being cold with me at one point because he felt like he was leading me on. That didn't last very long. I'd burst into tears and he wants to comfort me.
He's dead set on divorce and I'm dead set on making this work. I told him today, I don't care if it takes two years, I'll be waiting. He says we don't have a connection and he knows there's someone out there whom he can connect with and is better for him, and the same for me. I am positive he's not having an affair. Two other major things are that he went through what could've been a fatal accident a few months ago but thank God he got out without a scratch. Also that he smoked weed to relax and forget for most of our relationship and suddenly stopped. I'm pretty sure he's going through a midlife crisis. I've been suggesting therapy for a long time, but he was never interested. I wish I had known I could've just worked on things on my own, but I really didn't know what was bothering him, even though he said he told me many times. When I ask him now what it was he told me that I didn't listen, he can't even tell me. I know I've changed a lot of things in the past, but he just chooses to keep looking at what's missing. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me, and that we're both still young (we're 45) and that we can find happiness with other people. We've been together 17 years, married 15. I was previously married to a bi-polar, violent man who also cheated on me. My husband is nothing like that. He's kind and sensitive and caring. I really thought I had hit the jackpot with him.
Do you think there's hope for us? We still live together and sleep in the same bed. There's no rush for either of us to move out. I told him I wanted to stay in our house. It's a great investment on top of it being exactly what we wanted since we remodeled it together. I also don't want to see him suffer financially because of the split, but it's ultimately his decision. I told him all I can do is keep the changes going and show him that this time they're for good, since he's skeptical I can really change, if anything for my own sanity. I have completely lost my appetite and have lost 10lbs already, and paid the ER a visit last week with a major panic attack and my whole body went numb. They said my blood pressure was really high and my heart was racing. I told him I take my vows seriously and I'm not a quitter. My parents are still married. He said he never believed in marriage but decided to give it a try. He comes from a broken family and had to take care of himself most of his life. I've never been alone and I am terrified. I don't ever want to gamble with my heart again so getting into another relationship is out of the question for me.
