Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, 
Still pains and bruises in knees, palms, and mild headaches.  The helmet did do its job though.  It has a pretty good scrape where it covered my forehead.  Prescription pain meds is good stuff too.  I’ve been at half speed for a few days….



V,
My days are full…one way or another!  Instead of trying to put it all down, I’ll just start working backwards… since last night there was a minor blowup that applies…

So what's the status with D19? Is she just working or thinking about college? I'm sure you see this but she is overcompensating and acting as a second mother. How are you actively combating this whilst gentle guiding her to be doing what typical 19 year olds should be?

about D19 -> D20!

First… Happy Birthday to D19!  She turned 20 on Easter.  I, S13 and D18 made a little family party for her.  Decorations, cake, presents….   XW texted them in the afternoon and took them out to Texas Roadhouse for a birthday dinner.

D20 isn’t all that academic and wasn’t interested in college upon HS graduation.  She did not complete the pre-requites for a college track.  She has been working full time since then with child/after school care and swim lessons.  (Side note: the place she works is owned/run by a woman and her two sons.  OM is one of those sons...)  She worked hard and got all her state certifications required for both skills.  Her side gig is babysitting from all the recommendations she gets through her day job.  

As a full time working young adult, she pays me each month household for expenses I itemize for her (water, electric, rent, etc…).  This is about 2/3 or 3/4 of the actual costs but it is a step towards launching ... owning and being responsible for her life herself.

In the last six months she has expressed a desire to earn more, explored the idea of moving in with a friend and a shared apartment, and talked about a degree she might like to pursue.  I responded to each by saying I would be happy to help her accomplish them.  To walk her through what each would take …

For her, I control minimally other than household standards and requiring the shared chores get done.  She does go out with friends, spends overnights, has friends over, ... her bedroom is her own space and so on.  I try to treat her as the young adult she is.  Guiding, not telling.

sisters minor blow up... and mom

Tonight I arrived home at 9:30p with D18 (trivia night at the pub and pick up D18 from gymnastics) to find XW’s vehicle in the driveway.  XW apparently inside and upstairs with D20 and S13.  D18 heads upstairs and I stay downstairs to finish some evening chores and finish chopping / putting away watermelon.  I hear a lot of excited voices upstairs.  Emotions seem to run hotter when XW is in the home.  I call upstairs to D18 that it is her night to walk the dogs with me.   One of our daily routines.

Several minutes later I hear excited voices... then D18 shouting with emotion and some anger... then a slammed door.  Hers I think.  More voices.  Heavy footsteps.  Sounds like XW going to the front door...then back... But now I also hear what sounds like the dog leashes.  ???

Then I hear D20 come down the stairs... insistent and stressed, "What are you doing? "

XW emotional and maybe angry, something like, "taking the dogs out.  ....  **something** calming down"

D20, "That's not how this works mom.  We have our routines!  That's not how ANY OF THIS WORKS!"

XW, emotional, "I'm not doing this.  I'm LEAVING!"

And she does with a huff and hard door close.

the rest of the story

D20 comes into the kitchen where I had just finished cutting up the watermelon, Dad, I'm walking the dogs with you tonight.  Lets go. "

I know we'll talk while walking.  This has been one of our routines.  Each in nightly rotation has dog walking time to say whatever they want away from their siblings.  I go upstairs to get my shoes and knock on D18's door, "D18, I'm going to walk the dogs now with D20.  Do you want a hug first?"  

I instruct S13 and then leave with D20 and dogs...  after being squeezed tight and tears left on my shirt by D18.   Barely out the door and D20,

OK, Dad, here's what happened...
D18 and I misunderstood each other the other night when she walked instead of me
I thought it was for my birthday as a present
She thought we were exchanging days
When you called for her, she came into my room insisting that it was my night
I got flustered and emotional 
and I could tell I needed to calm down 
so I asked her to leave first so I could calm down
She wouldn't leave 
and I asked her like twenty times
I remember you told us our own rooms were OUR space 
and we could tell our siblings to leave and they had to, right?"

G, "Yes D20, that is true.  I'll talk to D18 about it."

"Well, I couldn't answer D18 because I was all emotional,
but I kept my cool this time,
I managed myself!

And then Mom stepped in 
and told D18 to "come here right now" 
and pointed at the floor in front of her 
and told her to "calm down"

THAT never works
and didn't
and she is treating us like we are 12
and that is when she came downstairs 
and tried to walk the dogs

G, "Well, your mother might have been trying to do something nice for you.  ... and there are memes about women being told to "just calm down"...  LOL"

Yeah, well, it NEVER WORKS.  
And this is OUR space not hers
We have OUR routines 
If she wants to do something nice she should go get us Starbucks or something.

G, "Yes, this is our space now.  Our home.  I appreciate your help in making it OUR home.  You've helped with many of the things your mother used to do.  I don't want you to take over her roles though.  You are the big sister."

I know Dad.  That IS how I try to do things.  As big sister."

She does try to fit into a role of young adult participation in a household.  She does try to keep it to big sister.  Though she didn't start out that way...  and we have talked about this before.  

g

Sometimes I feel like skin and bones.

Skin and bones - Switchfoot

The wasteland is mine, mine alone
The desert comes alive when no one's home
Apocalyptic skies burning gold
I walk these empty miles, I can't find a soul
...
In my mind I'm miles away
I'm miles away